Home › Welcome to the ADDitude Forums › For Adults › S.O.S. Trying to explain why I need private time afterwork › Reply To: S.O.S. Trying to explain why I need private time afterwork
Chuk Gleason: Welcome to the forums! Happy to have been the inspiration for your first post!;) I am happy to hear it is not just an ADHD thing to need that switch time. Your solution seems so natural. I am trying to find that natural solution here. Maybe I need to approach this with a different balance of emotional/logical outlook? Happy posting and thanks for your response!
Rowan: I have definitely become much more introverted over time. Having moved back home, both my parents, extended family, and friends seem to see this switch in me as sudden, but in honesty it was a gradual transition which I feel came naturally with age. Thanks for your input!
keliemm: Thank you very much for your input and validation. I do appreciate your post. I wish I could offer you something in return, but I hope you are able to glean something off of this thread- or someone reading this advice will address your concerns here as well. If you find anything on a different thread, please let me know. I am willing to hop around.
ASpring: Thank so much. Moving home incites this weird loop around to return to how things were. I kinda see it as a destructive comfort zone I really would like to readjust. I really appreciate your words. Let’s help each other out. I have some updates at the bottom if you are interested. You are appreciated.
Bert: You are right about the exercise. With that in mind, I think my work outs which happen in the late evenings will need to be right after work. I prefer doing so around 7-800pm because for some reason I sleep much better the later I work out.
You trolling? Because if you are, well played. If you aren’t, here is my response. You are absolutely correct: I do have a failure to launch. In fact, that is the exact term, verbatim, I am being coached through with medical professionals. I am working everyday with to launch, again. Because I did launch before, and unfortunately crashed with the impact to create a humongous crater, something of which I will not offer additional information, lest I sound like I am, “protesting too much.” Having failed to launch is something I will directly acknowledge. It is a real experience I am having. But it does not negate everything else I am expressing in this forum thread. You made a clear direct assessment, but is one that I do not relate to as I find it is an overly simplified appraisal of my situation. It is guided by your tone and innuendos your unique inner voice used, with reference to your personal history and success stories when relating to me. I did the same thing reading your response as well as any post I read. Just as much as you know what you have experienced and think I should learn from you is valid is probably equal to my own confidence in knowing what I am experiencing is also valid and just as complicated as I am expressing it to be.
How I came back to living with my parents and how long I have been here is a weight on my own shoulders but is central problem. I am here, physically helping my parents. They express to me daily how much they appreciate my help. But you are correct about age having as factor, but not with the demeaning innuendo my inner voice assumed when interpreting your exclamation point. I know how old I am, which is 36, and know what I should expect from myself as the mature adult I am and would like to start recognizing in myself again. My behavior and the patterns that I have fallen into are not ok. And they manifest most strongly when I get home, do not have a time to adjust my mind set, and and stimulation threshold is overwhelmed by environment. This was the original issue I stated, and continues to be the issue I am working on.
My parents are not tired of me. They are VERY concerned about me, which translates into over protective parental behavior; which is something we as a family have spoken about on multiple occasions in very candid discussions. They have a caliber of protectiveness that boarders on paranoia, and it is something that my older sibling and I struggled and fought with growing up with and without professional help. It is not something I am wanting/willing to fight anymore. Their behavior is one that I am looking to find a compromise for and reconcile using the tools I have and am trying to learn. It takes re-assessment of my own short comings and recognizing when I have fallen into the easy trap of impulsive emotionally charged outbursts. I am not proud of when I do, and am working very hard and diligently to to recognize it and change because I want to feel like the adult I know I am. And I also recognize it has a lot to do with emotional dysregulation and many other ADHD quirks and qualities. This is not an excuse. I am using the knowledge that having ADHD affects my default behaviors to find appropriate tools and strategies to remediate them; and not just in hindsight- in the moment as well.
I addressed in this forum that I know my actions, responses, and opportunity for an independent future are my own personal responsibility. You have your assumptions and you will forever be validated by your confidence and by whoever else appraises and sympathizes with your evaluation of me. I know what I am experiencing and my reactions are very much rooted in the ADHD quirks and qualities I have. I also know there are ways to learn how to mediate those symptoms. Thanks to professional help and personal experiences shared by the larger community, learning how to identify, recognize, and articulate needs is getting easier. One of my biggest struggles is answering the question, “How are you?” By reaching out to the community, I am realizing this is common in ADHD brains. Because assessing and identifying my own personal emotions and thoughts in a comprehensive articulate manner is not easy for me, it one of my top goals to work on. I have no shame in recognizing that. By recognizing this, I am getting better at the being able to answer the “How ave you been?” questions with honest and more elaborate conversational friendly responses.
I know my parents love me. I know they know how much I love and appreciate them. We tell each other every day. I will never go to bed without telling them, even when I did live on my own. Because I want them to know, especially when I am not proud of how I handled myself during the day. I need them to know it is not their fault so they stop holding on to their feelings of failure. So, your direct and to the point response is not something I can relate to because I also know with full confidence what I am experiencing is validated and much more complex. If you have anything else to offer, I would never tell you to not do so. I will however, assess your input and consider if it is something I my inner voice can identify with and find valuable. However, if you are just trolling… props for a nice strategic move.
Updates for anyone who is curious:
Thanks for all the support. Those of you who are wondering, hopeful progress has been made by setting a “before we go to bed, lets have a cup of tea/hot chocolate” time with my my mom (and my dad when he wants). Just letting my mom have that assured time that I am setting aside seems to have calmed something inside of her. I continue to promise to call if I am going to be an hour later than expected and I have pretty much let them know to not worry about me joining for dinner, except for at least two nights a week. That seemed to also have calmed motherly tendencies. Its been a struggle for me to stick to new routines too, and I don’t have anything to offer in terms of what I am doing to keep on it. Just do a lot of calendar reminders? Any advice is welcomed in how to adjust to knew routines.
I was also very direct with both of my parents. I had to be, because my impulsive reactions passive agressive and not doing me (or them) any favors. But remember to be direct in the moment and finding the appropriate size break pads for impulsive responses is still a struggle. I know what to expect when I get home, so I swallowed my pride, not caring that I am talking to myself in the car… rather loudly… and am practicing what I want to say. I hoping this doesn’t lead into any, “self-fulling prophecy…” I don’t want them to react the way I expect them too, but so far they have been fairly predictable.
Ok, so longer than two cents in this post… more like 20 or 30 dollars maybe??