Reply To: I need help supporting a partner with ADHD!!

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#106380
AJ
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Wanting, you stand with many, though we all feel we are standing alone. This is not simply ADHD. I’ve never let these words be seen, but I now see that they may help another being greater than myself. Keep in mind that my family is now healing together..
It is Wednesday November 28th exactly 10:00 a.m. in the morning. I stand here alone having return from dropping off my son and my wife at school and work respectively, the possibility of the destruction of this family unit was made evident by our son last night. He finally told his mother, my wife, that he would rather go live with my parents than be in our household.
Part of me is happy because it is a breakthrough for him to open up to her to that effect. I have already known of his feelings On the matter as well as his feelings about our family and its instability. It is a situation that is the result of a multitude of events and behaviors associated with a dynamic in which both she and I have been an continue to be engaged. We both must own this. It is up to we adults to behave like adults in make a decision about what is most important in our lives. My wife has known my decision to that end is that it is our family that is of most importance; that it stays together.
But I have apparently not done enough, been enough tried hard enough, thought of her enough nor achieved enough for her to find contentment. This is evident base on the realities of what her behavior has been like towards me as well as Ian for at least 5 years if not more.
Behavior far from that which once was loving, and allows one to enjoy life and the others around them to enjoy their lives. My work My acts, my behavior has not been perfect. I am human. And still demonstrate personal behavior that while annoying and symptomatic of my having attention deficit disorder, are at worst very annoying but still able to be resolved or coped with by anyone who has stated and done what my wife claimed to have done, and has some compassion and empathy for their partner and others.
Unfortunately that is not the reality in my life in my family with my spouse. Because in spite of every fiber of my being wanting to deny reality, the behavior that my wife has been demonstrating toward me and then my sonv as well, is of the quality and duration so as to absolutely be considered emotional abuse. This is what poses The most significant threat To this little family we have staying together. It is an issue that I confronted my wife with some months ago. It is an issue that she has resisted for quite some time. And most recently she stated having recognized what her behavior is; what it suggests; that she understands and that such understanding has led her to apologize, feels bad about that behavior and has committed to changing it.

But that is as far is we have come. She unfortunately has further than she may be able to go. Because in spite of her claims she is still doing things that are indicative of behaviors engaged in by Emotional abusive people.
I know this with absolute certainty based on what I have acquired through researching the area over at least a period of 3 years if not more. It’s something I realized early in my search, and even worked hard to find evidence to the contrary For at least 2 years and even today I struggle with the concept that that is the situation now.
And I struggle because if she resists actively engaging in remediating her overt direct and hurtful Behavior toward my son and I. Behavior that is demeaning belittling excessive controlling and continuous, Nothing will change. Nothing will heal. And my son will continue to feel the way he feels. A feeling that now is expressed by his telling Madeline that he would rather live with my parents than in his home, with us his parents.
And this is why I am standing here alone writing this down With a lump in my throat and tears running my cheeks, that I may reflect upon the absolute fear and sorrow, even grief that I feel at the prospect of losing this family to The traumatic effects of emotional abuse. This is in spite of trying to provide my wife with information about symptomology, actual causes, progressive course as well as approaches one can implement in the interest of finding a resolution and sustained remission, In spite of a variety of ways in attempting to approach or on the matter in spite of being one given and wanting to forgive; she seems entrenched in the position that while her behavior may be bad, I’m still 50% of the matter to be resolved.

However hopeless the situation may seem, therapy has reinforced that I can feel my emotions and I can process them appropriately; Regardless of the depth of the pain and sadness. And in spite of the worry I have for the effects this entire scenario will have on my 9 year old son going forward. Like me, he is an extremely intuitive, empathetic and compassionate individual who loves his family as much as he loves life. I hope he can hold on to that person he is through everything no matter what occurs.

Your husband must choose to change.

Peace