Reply To: S.O.S. Trying to explain why I need private time afterwork

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Aloha all,

Just read through all posts here… I believe I can relate to being on both sides of this situation and appreciate all perspectives offered.

Before going further with this, I would like to ask that everyone here be compassionate and understanding. Please do not presume to know *everything* about a poster’s situation and make judgments about them as a person. Insulting one another is not necessary or helpful.

For this particular situation, I’d also like to offer that there are SEVERAL healthy and legitimate reasons for an adult to move back in with parents, ailing parents being the primary and most common reason. Whatever the reason inkpool has returned home, that is not the topic of this post thread.

With that said, may I please also ask for advice? I need help getting my ADHD family members to allow me the downtime I need.
I believe I am living with a husband and stepson who have ADHD with co-occurring conditions. Though neither have been diagnosed, husband is self-declared and stepson is currently in the evaluation process with his pediatrician and therapist. I also have a biological child who has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and has begun the evaluation process for ADHD, and we have three other children as well. With the mix of personalities going on in our home, the transition time required for any of us seems impossible. Though I’ve verbalized the need for what I call defrag time when I get home (think of a computer sorting out its cache after beginning to show signs of processing delay and errors), I find that reasonable accommodations can not be made beyond waiting 10 minutes to ask me about my day or to asking me to help with homework, dinner, the baby, “mom, watch me do this,” you name it. 30 minutes or an hour to myself seems impossible, be it after work or on the weekend, and I actually don’t feel justified in taking that time to myself knowing my husband feels overwhelmed much easier than I do and thinking I need to relieve him as soon as possible from the work it takes to be a home maker – I know how his days are going because I’ve done what he’s doing and we switched for financial reasons. HOWEVER, I find that I accommodate my family members in an attempt to assist them with emotional regulation because they need it or else and I am in danger of burnout and blow up!

How do I successfully communicate with them that I need this important processing and self-care time as well? Conveying to my family (husband in particular) what I have included in this post has not produced results. The response I get is usually guilt-laden and I find it easier to continue with supplying the family with relief than the argument that potentially ensues regarding priorities and personal need.

Any suggestions are welcome! Personal experiences or links to info, whatever you’ve got, and I appreciate you for reading through this and giving it some thought =)