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for this additional perspective. It actually helped to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole picture.
You are absolutely correct; both my parents just want something reciprocated that will validate my appreciation and love for them. I like the idea of giving my mom a promise to converse at a certain time. I think she will respond to this. I already asked her if she wants to have a cup of coffee with me later. I let her choose the time and am promising myself to not indulge anything that will monopolize my focus.
When I first moved home, I was prepared for my parents tendencies, and took every mature route I was able to glean from my resources: looking to discuss (not argue), listening and offering compromise, explaining, responding to their ‘what’ and ‘why’ questions with personal, open book experiences and other resources. They received it (though with more limits than I liked), but the behavior didn’t change. And then I crawled into the emotional mess that I am now working through. I recognize that because I tried “everything” I had, doesn’t mean there isn’t anything left to add to my list, which is why I am reaching out to others.
I have been at this current job for two years now, still looking for something more appropriate to my skills and nature as well as applying to grad school. This job is a struggle though, and is the MOST UN-STIMULATING work I have done in a long time. I am constantly overcompensating for skills lacking in focusing on details, linear thinking, extended periods of sitting, and not being allowed to choose when I take my breaks. Meds do help ALOT; I know from past experiences that I would never get through this without them. But, after eight hours of this, I am typically leaving pissed off, feeling like my brain synapses have disconnected and dulled.
At times, I am self-aware enough to evaluate why I am angry. But, I have a hard time calming down, knowing I am not actually directly angry at anything, except for my situation. Also, my transition time seems to be even longer than previous jobs in which my skills were actually exercised, appropriately challenged, and appreciated.
(Just writing this down, I think maybe I will try putting a sticker on my steering wheel in the shape of a stop sign? Maybe that will remind me to use some calm breathing techniques as soon as I get behind the wheel…)
I have actually tried transitioning in the car, whose engine calls our dog to the door barking with excitement, which alerts my mother I’m outside, which prompts her to stand there waiting for me to come into the house. Just out of curiosity, I waited her out to see how long she would stand there. At six minutes, she called me asking what I was doing in the car. I told her I was taking care of a few things and to please stop waiting.
She wanted to know if I needed help.
I walked in the house without my impulsive breaks locked in gear, and yelled at her to, “stop hovering. Just because I am in the car for an extended period doesn’t mean there is a disaster.” Total fail on my part, resulting in me mentally slapping myself for not exhibiting a mature response, further validating to my parents that I am still emotionally immature. My dad further yelled at me for yelling at my mom… Don’t blame him for “disciplining;” I would have been upset if I were the parent… But I NEEED to break this cycle of hovering and yelling.
I tried transitioning in the car at work and in the mall (maybe the above mentioned sticker will be a jumping point rather than transitioning without a prompt?). Seemed to be working for a while, but my mom started calling in panic mode and asking why I didn’t come home on time. This lead to a conversation of me being an adult, that when I lived on my own for ten years, during which time, she didn’t always know where I was. And just because I moved home does not mean I have signed over my rights to personal space and independence. This conversation actually had a positive affect for a long time, compromising with her that I would call if I was going to be more than an hour late than usual. But she has slipped many times, which prompted me to offer a few reminders. But it became frequent enough that reminders no longer mediated the behavior, and I also digressed.
I just need the interim between turning off one switch (which is powering a dulled, nearly burnt out, cracked, and jagged light bulb) and then flipping on the other one (which is often too bright and won’t shut off at a descent hour.) The indulgence of my parents during the in-between time where one bulb is turning off and the next is turning on is disorienting… Like the two switches are powered at the same time. Ability to receive mental stimulation is overloaded and is also paired with emotional disregulation.
In hindsight, I am the most impulsive during this overlap. In time, I started to notice that I have a harder time shutting off at night and am more intensely angry and (insert you favorite negative emotion here) for longer periods than when I arrive home to an empty house. Which I think is most likely due to the fact that my metaphorical bulbs are pulsing out of sync with each other while also trying to dominate the overlapped time.
Alright, was not expecting to write a novel size rant. Thanks for reading all the way through. If anyone has anything to offer in relation to anything they read, it will be appreciated.
As all I seem to do is complain, please recognize that I do love and appreciate my parents very much. My goal is not to alienate myself from them. I need more tools to give my parents something more to relate to, as well as change my reactions; which in turn will most likely be the starting point for my parents to change theirs.