Reply To: Shame/lack of trust about having a crush

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#105838
Spaceboy 99
Participant

I used to get the same thing, primarily due to the fact I was bullied something awful. My logic was that if I like a girl, and someone else finds out, they’ll make fun of her. If SHE finds out about it, then SHE will hate me, because me liking her is a short route to her getting bullied. So, the only chance I ever had to get a girl to like me was to never, ever tell her about it.

I managed to break this cycle by using what I call ‘the dynamite technique’.

It is based on the wisdom of Mary Cooper from The Big Bang Theory- “You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Well I’m done fishin’.”

Basically, there comes a point in every crush where rejection will hurt LESS than the accumulated tension you bear from not telling your crush about the crush. At that time, it is wise to just ‘throw a stick of dynamite in the water’, and just tell them about it. To force yourself to throw the stick, start with the phrase “hey, there’s something I need to tell you…”. Once you’ve said that, you’re already committed- you can’t take it back, so you then HAVE to tell them you like them.

If you’re me, you’ll probably get rejected. Quite a lot. But uncertainty is more painful than rejection, and it’s better to find out that you’re barking up the wrong tree, than to waste months mooning after someone who is never going to be interested in you. But then, the one time it DOES work, and that person likes you too, then the risk pays off, no matter how many rejections you’ve received in the past. The last relationship I threw dynamite at was successful. She left me in the end, but that entire set of experiences is what led me to my CURRENT relationship. Now I’m getting married in 9 months 🙂

This is what worked for me, but if you have rejection sensitive dysphoria, you may well disagree with my ‘rejection is better than uncertainty’, but it’s the best technique I have to offer. I hope this helps 🙂