I can relate to this and it hurts.
I’m in high school and it is hard for me because I hate judgment. Like any kind, even if it can help me. I feel like I’ve messed up.
recently I had two friends I really cared about and they started dating. While they were dating, one started to act like the other (she was generally nice) but she would say jokes like “Shut up” and stuff, but not in a joking way and it really hurt. So eventually the other one broke up with her saying “I need space” (Which we gave her but anyways) and she was doing all these things that made me mad, upset and I resorted to self-harm for a bit and it sucks, a lot. But eventually, she said that she felt “unloved and unsupported” even though all of us have bent over backward for her. This sent me over the edge. I blew up at her, I said somethings I regret, but I told her what she needed to hear.
Whenever I feel like I’m going to blow up, I just put in my other earbud (I generally listen to music constantly because it helps me focus and I have better conversations when I do) and write out my emotions.
I wish I knew more but I’m still struggling