Reply To: Feeling resentful about his ADHD

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My lord. I am in shock and awe at your original post. You sound like my wife and I in the early years of our relationship.

Some background on me. I’m 28 and have been with my wife who is also 28, for 11 years. We moved out together at 18, and never looked back. I have ADHD, she does not. I stopped taking strattera at 17, not because of her, but because of the zombie I felt like when I was on it. I took no more meds and did nothing to decrease my ADHD symptoms until almost 22. Also, this woman is tough. Stubborn like her father, with fight like Ali.

The only reason I started looking into my ADHD again was because our marriage was failing. I was constantly agitated over stupid things. Various car or motorcycle projects, lack of money, adjusting to office work for better insurance after leaving a factory job of 4 years, and a 1 year old son. I did not consider the reactions to my emotions and the effects they would have on us. I never personally attacked her, but yelling at her was a constant issue. She never said she was unhappy, but I could feel it, and I just knew that this is not how I should be treating her.

There were many changes we both made after I started taking Adderall. I started to pay attention to myself and my triggers to try and learn from them. She started to pay attention to them more as well to help assess the best possible way to alleviate those issues. Also, there is not a single day that I do not take my meds. I want to make sure that I’m putting forth as much effort as possible to make sure that my marriage and her happiness lasts as long as possible. I also need to set a better example for my 7 year old son and 2 year old daughter. They need to know what a great relationship looks like, especially since my parents and her parents have been divorced since early on. We bicker every once in a while because I’m tired of the mess in our house, or I’m angry that I’m having to do something I wasn’t planning for, but I keep myself in check knowing that she deserves better, and I want my son to know how a man should act and I want my daughter to know what kind of man to look for.

If he is willing to start taking his meds everyday and he’s willing to start getting himself into check when he feels himself start getting worked up, then he’s worth the extra time a heartache. Being with someone with ADHD is very hard, but if he is willing to do everything possible to keep you in his life, he will take his meds everyday and not care what other people think. Don’t let him get to used to yelling at you, if you do, it will be a life long battle with him because he’s gotten used to being able to yell at you. You need to be able alleviate his agitation while keeping your cool and working through it. Once you back him off the ledge and get him cooled off and make him think about the way he’s acting, his embarrassment and guilt may take over real quick and extinguish that fire. Just don’t threaten leaving him in the heat of the moment. It will only ignite that fire in the moment. That is something you do once you’ve both cooled off and moved on.

You deserve to be happy, but I think you’d be surprised at how far he is willing to go to keep you if he is as invested as you are in your relationship.