Thanks for all your really helpful and considered comments. I’m going to reread them all and think how to proceed. Feels like it’s a chicken and egg thing – need the meds to help me build a life that’s conducive to good mental health, hard to judge the effects of the meds when I’m a mess. Got some relationship stuff happening too which can’t help. Still, there’ll be a way.
I should add, saying I feel I’m “on speed” was lazy and inaccurate. Part of the problem is there’s not much of a physical feeling to go with it, so there’s nothing to flag up my disproportionate responses as being the result of something chemical. Speed has a euphoric effect for most people anyway, afaik.
And I agree it’s mostly aimlessness when I’m left at home – but the sort of paralysed nervous avoidance aimlessness that makes it hard to enjoy myself and amplifies my bad habits. Punctuated by moments of high emotion.