Reply To: I hate my husband's hyperfocus!!!

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#104449
periscopemills
Participant

This has been such a helpful book – my husband has hyper focused ADHD. He is a workaholic, and he gets so overtired he comes home as exhausted and upset as a child – totally overwhelmed, can hardly move properly, can’t organise food to eat…extremely irritable. This caused huge stress for us. But I have been reading and learning about hyperfocused ADD and decided to stop trying to explain how he is hurting me to him straight on – it just triggers his arguing tendencies and then he gets upset with himself. Instead, working with him on taking care of his diet, exercise regime etc and requiring him to make some changes too – reminding him not to be ashamed of how the ADD makes him behave and put that energy to adapting behaviours. It takes a lot of encouragement and not everyone wants to do that emotional labour, it’s a fine line between enabling, empowering someone to change through supporting them and coddling – especially if you feel like you’ve been ignored – which I have felt for many years and yep, it’s really hard. BUT. I decide to stay here and be with him because he is 100% worth it, I am not letting something he can’t help (but is working on) take away our closeness but for sure, I have had a couple of the illusions and glamour of love knocked apart. Who they are when you fall in love with them is a whole other person…but then I have changed too, and their need for support can feel like another child. I have PTSD so, we both have to care for each other which keeps the balance of caring and also being romantically involved somewhat steady. I think that’s important. We’re not here to parent our partners.