Reply To: I hate my husband's hyperfocus!!!

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Thank you all for your advice and perspectives.

I’ve only seen “the man I married” one night in the last year (possibly longer). Call me demanding and needy, but I’d like to see him more often than that. We’ve tried date nights, but he admits he’s only really half “there” and I can sure feel it. Before he got diagnosed we tried alternating who initiated date nights and he never did. On that one night that he was his old self (which was recent) neither of us have been able to identify why he was more present. Many of his family and friends have told me they miss him, too, and that they’ve noticed both his distraction and out-of-character behavior. His mom cries most holidays since he’s stopped buying his family gifts or even returning their calls/emails/texts.

It wasn’t until after I posted the original post that I realized we have an additional problem to my husband’s ADHD: I think he might be a workaholic. His entire mindframe revolves around work. He recently called his former boss “good people,” which I found confusing since I know he steals books from the library and cheats on his wife – then I realized being a “good” person is all about work to him. He’s “good people” because he cares about the business my husband used to run.

I know the ADHD brain loves novelty and I’ll never be able to excite his brain like I did, but I find it very painful when the women he used to work with can excite his brain in a way that I can’t – and that this results in him choosing to hurt my feelings, rather than hurt theirs. For example, he left the house to meet a former female co-worker while I was sleeping (at 2 A.M.) without waking me to tell me he was leaving (among other things I posted about here).

I’m sorry, but it’s hard not to take the symptoms personally after he said he doesn’t think he should need to give me “quality time” (meaning his full focus) when I have so much “quantity time” with him. And it hurts the he forgets to buy me gifts while he buys gifts for his co-workers.

I wish there was a forum for workaholic’s family- so far all I’ve found is bi-monthly over-the-phone meetings. The combination of the two is confusing. The only person I’ve talked to who’s been helpful is his sister, who also suffers from both ADHD and addictions.

Thank you all, again, for taking time to read my story and share your own.