Reply To: Is this ADHD or did I marry a manipulative con artist?

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#104249
plantpot
Participant

Hi,
Please, please, please get away from this person as soon as you can, before this escalates into violence and injury.
Your husband may be suffering from his past as well as ADHD, but this does not excuse his abusive behaviour toward you.

You cannot fix this person and it is not your job to try. 1Christine is right, you need to self preserve and do all you can to get yourself out of this situation.

As a person who put up with abuse similar in nature to yours (I have since had counselling to work out why I let another person get away with so much, for so long), I finally left and life is so much better now. In hindsight, I should have stepped away from it all years ago.

Some of the reasons I stayed so long are:
We were on one perpetual roller coaster of falling out then making up (when things were good they were very good), but he controlled everything in our lives and he chose when to give affection and withhold it
I loved him
I never felt like a victim as I would answer him back. For years I was in denial and just thought of him as a difficult person
I didn’t want to break up my family (thankfully, my child was kept out of the abuse)
I felt if I didn’t stay he would have no-one. He had no friends and kept family at arms length
He had moved us away from family and I hardly saw them. I was ashamed to tell my mum about what went on
I depended on him for money
I had few friends. He hated them all and let them know it. Bad moods, uncomfortable atmosphere, ignoring people, dominating conversation and not allowing others to have an opinion. So people stopped coming around
I started to believe that it was mostly my fault (something he kept saying to me)
My self esteem was low
I had lost my confidence
Does any of this sound familiar?

What made me leave?
Well, I was putting up with so much emotional abuse but physical violence was the last straw.
Strike one: A woman bumped into him by accident one day and he shoved her back so hard while screaming “You’re in my way, you stupid B****.” My child saw it.
Strike 2: While arguing he suddenly punched the closet door in temper, inches from my head. Seconds later he denied he had done this and then wanted to take our child to the park. I scooped my child up and fled.
Strike 3: He smacked our child. You’re out!

Please recognise the emotional abuse for what it is and stop making excuses like I did. Get your ducks in a row then leave.

It’s 2 years since I left and life is good. Me and my child are much happier now. Thinking the abuse was having no effect on my child was blinkered thinking.
I have set personal goals and I am achieving more than I ever did when I was married. I’m putting myself through university, I’m volunteering, I have a great part-time job. My stress levels are low. My child is happy and thriving. I have friends and family around me again. I’m learning how to be independent. I got help for all the things I find difficult and life is easier. I’m still a work in progress and I’m not ready to date yet, but I’m open to it.
I have changed every aspect of my life for the better and my confidence and self esteem are better than they have ever been.

In hindsight, I think I was easily abused because I have ADD.
I let someone else take control, I trusted him and that was wrong
He took advantage of my empathy, confusion, slow processing, poor executive skills and forgetfulness. He saw that I was an emotive person and he pounced.

Please take the first step and read as much as you can on coercive control, narcissistic and sociopathic/psychopathic personalities. Then you will realise you are not crazy but have been carefully chosen by your husband because people like him choose certain personalities because they can easily be controlled.

Then read up about how you can get away from him.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:
DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE LEAVING.
AND DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM ONCE YOU ARE GONE. NONE.

I hope this helps you out. Just know you are not alone and help is out there for you. You can get out of this terrible situation and you will move on to a happier life. The life you really do deserve.