You wrote ” I just think the parenting in the relationship will make me unwell. I fell into a major depression going back and forth last winter – it literally consumed me to the point I sought out a therapist – and it’s sad because it’s not like it’s his fault he is forgetful or clumsy or his family has been rude. I’m the type of person though that doesn’t want to give-in when I have such a great connection with someone.”
Listen to your gut instinct. It will never steer you wrong. Where we go wrong, is when we start to second guess ourselves and feel guilty about putting what WE need above what those around us need. Some people call that being an “empath”. It comes from a traumatic childhood. I know, I’ve been there myself and it feels like you want to help everyone around you. Make the world a better place. But in reality, the depression sets in the moment that you start putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, too often.
Our society still sees depression as a taboo topic, as if it’s a weakness. When in reality, depression is very similar to a headache. A headache is due to either dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, pain due to a physical blow, etc. Well, depression is actually a symptom due to things going on in your life that you are not happy with. We all have to deal with daily things we don’t like, but when the scale starts to tip too far, and you are spending a majority of your day focusing on other’s needs, or being around negative people, etc. Then the depression seeps in. A pill will help it. But it won’t make it go away until you realign how you spend your time.
You said you are in your 20’s. I envy you. I am in my 40’s and fell for a man that loved to go kayaking, camping, hiking, anything that I was interested in. Then I married him and once his hyperfocus ADHD subsided, he confided in me that he really didn’t like those things, but he did them because he wanted to make me happy. Nine years of marriage later and I can’t beg him to do anything I like. I feel duped and tricked into a marriage. If I had only listened to my gut. It was all right there in front of my face while I was dating him. But I made rational excuses for him in my head. I came from an abusive childhood so I was taught to not listen to my gut. Because as a child, your gut tells you to run from your abusive parents, but society tells you and the law says you can’t.
As a similar woman, 20+ years your senior, I can tell you this. The ONLY time I have ever needed to take an antidepressant or see a therapist was when I was in relationships with dysfunctional or abusive men(very typical when coming from an abusive childhood. I urge you to read up on it so you can avoid it. Here is one of the better books on it: The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap ). Any time I was alone or in a relationship with healthy minded people, I thrived and needed no antidepressants or therapy. But I thought I had met a nice, kind man who just had a few quirks. What I know now, is that I personally have a predisposition to depression due to my childhood. And that weakness of mine means that I cannot handle giving too much of myself to help someone else with more issues than my own. I look at it as my own shortcoming, I don’t blame them.
I hope this helps.