Starting to struggle again this week. I recognize things are getting better, but maybe I’m impatient. I’m shouting less, which is good. But the disruptive behavior is still happening and I feel like more effort is coming from me than my SO.
The other week I curled up into a ball and cried for 2 hours. Every day I wonder if I can take it anymore and wonder why I stay. I tell myself all of the good things and I hate that as humans we are hardwired to focus on the bad even though there are more good things than bad. I keep trying to focus on the good, but it’s like the bad just sticks and I can’t seem to quite push through it.
I don’t feel like I can ever relax in my own home. I feel trapped. And worst is this deep sense of guilt. This deep upset that I can’t fully understand and therefore can’t fully be supportive. And how my SO is so disruptive and will later admit it, but nothing changes. It’s like every day it just happens again and again.
I know things are improving, but it feels so much to bear at times and I think ‘what if this is the best we can do?’ And id that really enough? Do I need to live a lifetime of sitting on the edge of my seat because most likely something is about to happen to cause a panic inside me that then makes me angry. I don’t want to have to live like that and it’s not fair that I wait for bad things to happen…it’s just I’m so used to the disruptive behavior and out it comes again and again.
How many days do I need to tell myself to ‘hang in there’ until I’m old and realized I spent my life telling myself to ‘hang in there’?
I’m still not ready to give up and I’m sorry if this hurts anyone, but sometimes I wish I would give up. I wish I cared about myself more than my SO, but clearly I don’t otherwise I would have left already. I feel so utterly trapped today, but I’ve felt more trapped before, so I know that this feeling will pass and it also gives me hope that things can be a bit better than they are seeing as they have improved since I first started this post.
Wishing you all are having a good day x
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by ADHDSpouse123.