Reply To: Why does anything Matter?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Why does anything Matter? Reply To: Why does anything Matter?


27 year old? Stop and think about that. You are a grown adult, and have been for a long time now. I am very sorry to hear what you described about the woman you fell in love with, but felt you had to make a break from, to appease your parents. It seems quite clear to me that you have one single choice to make: Either you choose to continue allowing your parents to control you and your entire life this way, obviously for their own sake (which is clearly a very self-focused thing to do), or you choose to become your own person and say ‘no’ to them.

Of course, this is harder than it sounds. It means that you first have to look at your entire life honestly and recognize how dependent you are on your parents for the very essence of your well-being, from how you see and feel about yourself to your next meal, not to mention your sense of identity and belonging. And once you look that in the face you will begin to see more clearly why you are apparently so beholden to them, even to the point of foregoing your own dreams for your own life and breaking up with someone you love, who your parents will not even bother to get to know.

Can you imagine a headstone on your grave someday that says, “I lived the life my parents wanted me to live [for their benefit]”?

I am 56 years old, and I have a daughter who is 31, with a granddaughter who is 7. I have always made sure my daughter knew that the life she was living on this earth is hers, not mine, and she has amazed and made me very proud with what she has chosen to do with her own life. You are not on this earth to live someone else’s life. If your parents’ views about this are the result of eons of cultural scripting, and if they are living their lives according to what their parents insisted on for them, that is their own issue to live with, however they choose to. But your life is your own, is it not? If your parents died in a plane crash tomorrow, how would you choose to live your life then? And someday when you are a parent, will you also insist that your child be and do according to your desires for them, to make you look and feel good, or will you free them to make their own life choices? Yes, your experience may be cultural, but at some point someone in your lineage will stand up for their own life and be free of the psychological bondage you are currently living with. That person might as well be you.