Reply To: Feeling resentful about his ADHD

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#102749
ADHDSpouse123
Participant

@C1957 – I am so glad you are feeling a little better today.

I can feel so much of what you say about the rollercoaster being beyond unhealthy at times. There are days on my end where I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming. Then I feel guilty because I know it’s not my DH’s fault. I’m still on a learning curve, but am trying to accept my feelings as valid but also accept his way of being as also valid (to him). The question becomes if I can learn to accept the situation or is it so harmful that I must let go. At the moment he is working on himself and I am working on myself. It’s all I ever ask for. If he gives up and expects me to change, then it’ll be over. If I give up amd expect him to do all the changing, it would be impossible. We both need to put the work in. We also both need to be truthful and tell each other how we are making each other feel and not be afraid to do so, to give both sides a fair chance at making things work. I guess the hard thing sometimes can be finding a time to have that talk at all (particularly if he has not taken his meds).

We need to remember too that we will have perhaps more ups and downs than the average couple. If we can accept that, we can both be happier, I feel.

Don’t be afraid to follow what you want and don’t feel guilty for it. I realize I am a hypocrite as I say this because I can’t always follow that advice myself. If the relationship seriously costs you your mental health, ask if it is worth that. But if it’s super tough but you love him so much and just can’t let go, then don’t. But at all times make sure there’s enough goodness in your life to keep you going. You’re a human too and you’ve been incredibly supportive from the sounds of things, taking the time to read, adapt yourself and write here when things got tough.

I just want to say, please don’t forget yourself and your needs in pursuit of a happy life with your SO. He can have your love, but he doesn’t need to be your world. We build more resilience by making sure all areas of our life are as balanced as they can be. Then when one area drops, we have enough at a good level so that we can keep going. I know previously I put all of myself into my relationship. He was my heart, soul and world. I realized that I needed to be my own heart, soul and world and in working on that, I could better offer him my love and better share my life with him. Do all the fun things you ever wanted to do, follow your passions and you will get so much fulfilment and be even happier during the highs and more able to deal with the lows.

Have a good day x