@C1957 I hear you. And I am so sorry you are feeling the pain of loneliness. I know how that feels and how truly difficult it is.
Does your husband acknowledge how he is behaving? You mentioned that you have educated yourself, but has he educated himself too? In my situation, this is the issue. We can do all we try in terms of educating ourselves but something must come from the other side too otherwise it is so energy depleting. You put everything in and as you say, you can feel like your soul is broken.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I find I am bouncing back and forth from feeling broken or on top of the world. As much as my SO is on a rollercoaster with his ADHD, I’m on that rollercoaster too and sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a manic nightmare.
You are doing so much right, educating yourself and looking after yourself too. I know that self esteem can come and go (in my case sometimes my SO says such awful things as a ‘joke’ it makes me feel utterly worthless). Just remember that your friends love you and whether your self esteem is low or not, they are surely there for you. I took the route of making my relationship part of my life and not all of it (I’m the type that gets really into relationships and it seems like my entire world). I’ve had to learn that it isn’t. That sounds horrid, but it isn’t. It’s probably the kindest path for me and my SO.
Feel what you need to feel, but remember your friends are there. And if you’re not ready to contact them and spend some time out, we are all here for you.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow.