Hello! I am sorry to hear you’re hurting and I have been in similar situations. I know how hard it can be to find good help and I personally don’t believe in “only you can help yourself” because it really does take a village, not just to raise a child, but to uplift and support one another.
Have you been on the CHADD website? I found a great ADHD support group on there that meets once a month in my area. Maybe there is something near you where you can connect with others who have ADHD and those who provide support services.
As for your ex struggling with your ADHD, same here! My boyfriend has suspected Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which is basically the antithesis of ADHD in a lot of ways. After 4.5 years together we finally moved in together about two months ago and we spent months planning, talking about one another’s needs and how we operate when it comes to chores and cleanliness, and coming up with a plan to have a functioning household. Even with all that, it is still stressful at times for both of us. What has helped the most so far is printing out articles from this site and discussing them together. Perhaps something like that will help you in future relationships, whether with your ex or with another person.
As for still feeling the intense pain of the breakup, I too have felt completely crippled by breakups, even when the relationship didn’t last all that long. If you’re not getting the support you need from friends, this is another. Thing where connecting with other ADHD adults may be the best help. It can build your confidence back up to know you’re not alone, there’s NOTHING wrong with you, and that your ADHD comes with a lot of talents and gifts that you bring to the table. But don’t forget that while you can learn tools to better manage the negative impacts of your ADHD to have more harmonious relationships, don’t allow someone to make you feel like you need to change who you fundamentally are as a person to be worthy of their love.
I find it helpful for me when I’m in a tailspin to write out the negative impacts ADHD has on my life and things I can do to improve them or how I feel about them, then also a list of the strengths I gain from my ADHD and how they make me special/better at a task or skill, or how they make me feel good about myself. It’s easier to develop improvement strategies for me that way.
I hope you find the help you need, you’re not alone and you CAN find solutions but it takes time …and it’s hard for ADHD brains to keep sight of intangible future things so remember that too if you feel hopeless or like progress isn’t moving quickly enough.