I’ve spent the morning re-reading these replies because it’s happened again.
On Friday I had a conversation with my employee about his decision to let a team of 6 do nothing for 2 days. After the conversation he sent me a text to resign.
This was a total surprise to me. I didn’t shout, swear, get angry or derogatory. I was professional or so I thought. When I spoke to him he said “never in my life have I been spoken to like that and I will not put up with it” he continued “you spoke to me like I was 3 years old”. I apologised for offending him and he isn’t leaving, for now. He also told everyone in work what he though of the way I spoke to him which wasn’t great. Luckily the conversation was in front of others so it’s divided the team about 50/50. Drama.
Anyway, my point is. Who gives a damn?! It’s the weekend and I’m with my wonderful son playing diggers at the pirate ship park. So why, why the hell (and it is hell) is this scenario playing round and round in my head like it’s on repeat? Consuming ever space in my head, my mind. I feel physically sick, I’m anxious and I have a black cloud pressing down over me.
I’m trying to fight this, it’s a useless response. Total waste of my weekend and an attack on myself I could do without. But it doesn’t stop, I’m angry at myself for doing this again.
I purposefully ‘closed’ this on Friday because I knew what I would do. It’s over, resolved, I apologised and actually so did he. Finished. So what the hell is wrong with me? You’d swear I just buried my Grand Mother, the way I’ve hit rock bottom overnight.
It’s really strange because I can distract myself from it, I can do it. I just throw myself into something and it’s gone. Then maybe 30 mins later it creeps back upon me like a thick black blanket of dread and guilt. The nights are the worse, I wake up at 4am and it just spins through my head on repeat.
I think I’m half way there by recognising what this is and almost treating it as a threat to my well being I need to eradicate.
I just don’t know how.