Reply To: Don't know if I can do this anymore

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You sound like an amazingly intelligent and competent person, with a need to reset your priorities, and focus on yourself and your child.

Your husband sounds overwhelmed by his brain disorder, and may be doing all that he can, given his under-treated state. To start changing this:

Write to your husband’s prescribing physician about his aggressive and verbally violent behavior. HIPAA laws bar his dr. from talking to you but you can talk to the dr. Explain to the dr. that your husband needs a mood stabilizer in addition to the stimulant med; he may also need an additional, non-stimulant ADHD med such as Strattera. Your husband sounds under-medicated. This website has good info on ADHD treatment and guidance for the ADHDer to stick to a schedule of medication, CBT / coaching, and daily tasks.

Establish firm boundaries and structures to help your spouse and to save yourself. Instead of cleaning up his messes at work and home (which doesn’t work), concentrate on getting a new job or expanding your current one. Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior.

When your husband has tantrums and vicious outbursts, let him know you won’t tolerate them – and leave the room or house if necessary. Don’t hesitate to call police and/or the local women’s resources organizations; they’re not for “other people.” You need support from others because you sure aren’t getting it from your spouse.

Be ready to research therapists and set up the first appointments for him but make it clear he must commit to change. By leaving your husband to his own devices (after getting meds and therapy on a better footing), you may help him to learn self-reliance.

Don’t bother talking with him much about all the things you are having to do – he is unable to listen much at present. They tend to learn best from actions anyway.

What resources are available to your daughter? Is after-school care possible? What about respite care for yourself? Some states have resources. What is your housing situation and could you pay for it alone? Do either you or your husband have tenure?

Talk to a lawyer to learn where you stand.

This is a long-ish to-do list and you are so tired.

Remember what has been said elsewhere on this site about communicating with ADHD people:

Less talk is better than more talk. (Put any really necessary words in writing.)

Arguing doesn’t work. (Turn a smooth cliff face to the waves of his provocative statements)

Rebuking them doesn’t work. (They lose control.)

Strategic, strengths-based expectations are better than negotiated agreements. (Attempts at compromise usually fail.)

Best of luck.