Reply To: Feeling resentful about his ADHD

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#101638
ADHDSpouse123
Participant

@Kendall and @Tomhurting

It makes me really sad to hear your experiences. I can’t say that I’m a saint and don’t also scream and shout. I want to say a massive thanks to both of you. My DH doesn’t talk much about what he is going through. He opens up sometimes, but I think I get so self-centred and sometimes can’t see past his ADHD. I need to remind myself every day to keep working on my own patience, and understanding, not just his ADHD make things work. As long as he works on understanding ADHD better and how to work with it too, I think we’d be in a good place. Reading your comments helps me to understand so much better what ADHD really does to a person and how awful it must be to have people shouting at you all the time. You’re not making excuses like people might think, and so long as you’re working with your ADHD rather than ignoring it is the key thing everyone should be focusing on.

Kendall – you’re 19 and already so aware of how your ADHD affects you. I truly believe that if you continue to work with your ADHD like it sounds like you have been, you will make positive relationships. In my case, had we known that my DH had ADHD before I met him and he was as aware as you are, it may have prevented some issues. I think non-ADHD spouses need to live it to really get close to understanding, but a heads up can be useful. Like saying ‘I might behave in x way sometimes, but please know that I don’t mean to upset you’ upfront and reminding the non-ADHD spouse of this frequently can help. I know in my case it at least gives me something to think about when things go pear-shaped. I have a chance to think ‘did he mean that? Maybe it was his ADHD in action, not him’. I can’t always think this in time, but I try to practice doing that.

For non-ADHD spouses, we need to be so patient. In honesty I have always been pretty patient but this has tested me beyond what I could ever imagine. That’s why I think you are absolutely right that it takes both to work on it. It helps that my DH is always saying how he loves me and does take actions to prove it like helping around the house, making me dinner etc. It means that during those really explosive moments I have something to hold on to. I don’t know if all this might provide some insight and help back, but I hope so.