Reply To: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice

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I just joined and I have been with an ADHD suffer for 7 years. Initally it was hyper-focus and he announced he was in love with me for years. I thought he was insane. And kind of ignored him. But he would call and we talked for hours. About his life and work and family. And he sent me flowers and kept saying he really wanted to be with me and was not joking or crazy. I thought I had finally found IT! And we were not kids. He was 30 I was 33. We were friends for 3 years before. Never knew him as anything but a funny, charming, great guy! We started dating. And I was showered with attention. But never too much. The right amount of can’t get enough. After 5 months we were still in love. 8 months and he couldn’t sleep without me.

Then one day I brought Regular Coke instead of Diet. He flew off the handle. Yelling and telling me I was stupid. I LOST it! I am no shrinking violet. We were done. 2 hours later I get tearful apologies and he is wrong and texting and apologies. We went no contact for a month. I wanted nothing to do with him. He wouldn’t give up though. He was a product of child abuse and always have trouble expressing anger without yelling and name calling. But he has NEVER been physically violent. He loses his filter when he gets mad and says whatever comes to mind. To hurt the other and win. He was going to try because I meant everything to him. Still have that text to prove it. We had a long talk and I agreed to try again.

Well, I wish I could say it never happened again. We would fight. I would walk away, go for a drive. And still be hurt when we saw each other. And 10 minutes later he was fine! It’s so annoying. Things were good for a while and we moved it together 2 years later. Like a lot of ADHD sufferers, he is cool and collected outside and a dramatic ogre at home. The wrong kind of bread will set him off. A year ago learned what ADHD does to Adults who were not treated after childhood diagnosis. He fit so many boxes: He dropped out of school at 15, No one cared. He never stayed employed long and no serious relationships. Everyone else is wrong and stupid. Women are too emotional, and no one can take a joke. After a fight he expels his venom and feels better. Energized and great. Ready to makeup and be in love. (Sometimes I want to hit him with the skillet). I realize now that he does not want to be that mean guy. He has gotten this far acting one way and leaving a wake of relationships. But every time we fight, he is the one apologizing. He wants to be nicer to me. He tries not to say those things but it just comes out. We can split anytime and things have gotten pretty heated. But he loves me and I love him. He needs professional guidance because the world does not make sense to him in some ways. Peoples reactions to him are soft and everyone gets offended too easily.

He is up for surgery next year and once that is done, I am going to tackle telling him its time to get help. I have tried to be his therapy and that not fair to us. We need a professional. Your don’t put a band-aid on a broken arm. The Dr. sets it and you move on. I would suggest that you only attempt the relationship if: 1. They want to seek help, 2. You’re not afraid of some intense moments. They need to own their condition, but you can’t make it worse by expecting what they can’t give or punishing them for it.. But if there is a foundation of love and you can learn to respect boundaries it is possible. Even with treatment, you’re not going to get an easy breezy relationship.