I am in a similar boat. But my partner was diagnosed as a kid. He told me before we got really serious. But I had no idea what ADHD was for adults. I thought it was a kids disorder that you grew out of! So when the hyper focus part of dating was over, and he started to drift I thought that if we spent more time together it would easy. He thought our work schedules were pulling us apart and so we moved in together. He wanted a separate room to sleep cause he is easily awakened and works graveyard. Made sense to me. We were sleeping apart anyway. But as soon as he had me his true colors came through. The clutter, piles of papers, losing everything, changing plans, pacing, fidgeting, non-committal to events, disorganization, and money issues (forgetting to pay things and overpaying things). Those I could live with. But the meanness, spontaneous anger over trivial things…that’s when I thought something else was going on. I remembered the talk about ADHD and his parents refusal to accept or treat it. This poor guy has been navigating life, paddling a dingy in a swell. I am trying to find a good time to talk to him about it, but he has other pressing health issues right now. We will have a discussion soon, but I am starting by training my brain to deal with his. Short of the rude comments and lack of intimacy because he cannot focus on me, we are great together. And after we fight, I get hugs and apologies. I know he doesn’t’ want to treat me bad and says it’s all his faults. It will get better. I assure him it takes two to tango , but he is the one asking to dance. :). I just need to find a good way to stop the burst of anger. The name calling and rude comments will the death of us. I just can’t accept to live with that forever.
FYI-part of moving in was that we planned to marry. Now, we don’t have time for it. Weddings take to long to plan. I don’t have time to get the paperwork for a courthouse ceremony. We don’t have time. We don’t have time. One ADHD excuse after another. When he is calm, we should start thinking about dates…sigh…
I could some help on how to approach it. I don’t want him to think I have been diagnosing and studying him behind his back. I wish I could find the perfect article to send that was short and concise. For him to find himself in it. No shame, no blame. Just HELP!