I can relate to your feeling ashamed for lying. Many years ago I found that by stopping my substance abuse/addictions (alcohol & weed). Which I used to use to cover up my woundedness. Getting help with recovery (AA & NA) helped me begin the process healing, and of getting to the point of being comfortable in my own skin most of the time. Enough so I would not feel the need to lie to anyone in order to feel accepted. Along the way I also got involved with and helped with ACOA (Adult Child Of Alcoholics) and CoDA (Codependence Anonymous), all are 12 Step programs. I am still involved with CoDA, and men’s circles. There were many a therapist along the path too, and I also discovered my ADHD. You are not alone. SO what drives what? WHat I do know today is that I was codependent before any of the addictions arose. That has been the most powerful healing antidote (CoDA). My “normal” today is most of the time I am not feeling sad, ashamed, hurt, or angry, but more happy. So early on in recovery when I wasn’t honest, I found I needed to own the truth with the person lied to, and also apologize, then move on. I realize everyone is different, and this only what was helpful for me. It is just a discription, and not a prescription.
Eventually, I got to the place where I am today, when asked how I am? I can honestly reply “I never felt better, and I never had more”! Your asking for help took courage, and just keep taking the action and I think you will find that “things” will keep getting better.