Friendships

Q: “I’m a Flaky Friend. How Do I Break the Last-Minute-Cancel Cycle?”

Three questions to ask yourself before you turn down that invite, and other tips for managing social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria so that you can maintain your commitments.

Caroline Maguire
By Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, Verified Updated on March 15, 2024
Click to Add Comments

Q: “I have a bad track record of flaking on plans with friends. I’m enthusiastic about the plans at first, but nervousness, social anxiety, and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) get the better of me, and I cancel at the last minute. My friends, of course, get upset. And then the invites stop coming, which only makes me feel worse. How do I break this cycle?”

Isn’t it strange that, despite our desire to meet new people and maintain friendships, we still find ourselves turning down invites or outright canceling plans — self-sabotaging actions that can cost us friendships? I know. I’ve been there.

You don’t have to accept every invite. You don’t have to agree to be in uncomfortable environments that are simply too much for you. But turning down too many of them, especially key invites and events that are within your comfort level, can carry consequences. When you find yourself wanting to opt out, ask yourself three questions:

  • Will this have a long-term impact on my friendship? Canceling on someone’s big day, like a wedding or retirement party, may have huge repercussions.
  • Does this hurt the other person? How do you think your friend will really take it? How many times have you turned them down before?
  • Will this hurt my friendship goals? Step into the future to see if your decision will help or hurt. Think twice if the future’s discomfort will outweigh today’s discomfort.

[Read: My Fear of Rejection Keeps Me Socially Isolated]

These questions can help guide your decision and determine what really matters to you in this friendship.

Once you establish that you’re going, identify routines and tools to manage social anxiety and RSD while honoring your needs (sensory and otherwise) so that you can maintain your commitment. Social anxiety would like to convince you that the event won’t end well and that there’s nothing you can do about it, but that’s not true. Take some power back and think about what will make you more comfortable. Here are a few ideas:

  • Ask a buddy to come along for support.
  • Figure out in advance where you’ll sit. (Like far from the speaker if you are sensitive to noise.)
  • Recharge before the event.
  • Remind yourself of the three questions above.
  • Come up with a few encouraging phrases, like, “I’m so grateful to have been invited” or “I’m nervous, but I’m willing to be there for my friend.”
  • Have a role at the event — something to keep you busy and relieve the pressure.

You can also “communi-splain” the situation and your needs to your friend. If they invite you to a casual hangout at a place you know is too crowded for you, suggest a quieter locale before you turn down the invite. Say, “I’m excited to see you again! How would you feel about going to [insert place] instead? Places with large crowds tend to make me anxious.” Try to advocate for yourself where you can.

[Read: Feeling Antisocial? Alone? Both? 3 Common ADHD Friendship Challenges]

I can’t stress enough that if social anxiety is significantly interfering with your ability to make and keep friends, you should seek help from a professional who can help you manage your symptoms.

Are You a Flaky Friend? Next Steps

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “An Adult’s Guide to Fostering Friendships with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #478] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on November 2, 2023.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.