But studies suggest that we can teach kids effective skills for regulating their emotions, improving their behavior, engaging in active problem solving, and building positive relationships. How? The intervention I’ve found most helpful is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
“Dialectical” is simply the idea that two things that seem like opposites are true at the same time. Some examples of dialectics are: “I am independent, and I sometimes need help,” or “I’m really frustrated with you, and I love you.”
A simple approach to incorporating dialectical thinking into your parenting is to replace “but” with “and.” When you tell your child, “I know you’re angry, but you need to put your coat on,” that communicates that the first part of the sentence (the child’s side) is less important than the second half (the parents’ side). Replacing “but” with “and” communicates that both sides are equally important.
[Watch: Managing ADHD and Emotion Dysregulation with Dialectical Behavior Therapy]
Deeply Feeling Kids are “Supersensors”
When families arrive at DBT, they’ve often heard negative interpretations of their kids’ challenging behavior – and accusations that they are manipulative or spoiled. DBT asserts that, if you put a highly sensitive kid in a chronically invalidating environment, tantrums, risky behavior, and relationship problems are sure to follow. In DBT terms, a sensitive kid is an emotional “supersensor,” with reactions that are immediate, extreme, and long-lasting.
Validation is a kind of fire extinguisher for these emotional explosions. It doesn’t involve solving the child’s problems. It doesn’t mean agreeing with the child’s behaviors, thoughts or feeling. It simply involves communicating that these feelings make sense and are legitimate.
[Free Download: What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?]
How to Validate Your Child’s Feelings
- Listen with awareness and avoid judgmental facial expressions.
- Reflect what your child is saying: “Math was really hard today.”
- State the unstated: “It sounds like you’re really hurt by what your friends said. Is that right?” Even an incorrect guess helps them think through their feelings.
- Communicate how their behavior makes sense given past circumstances. “I know the cafeteria is loud and overwhelming. I get why you’d be nervous about lunch today.”
- Confirm that their behavior is not unusual. “It makes sense that you were disappointed by the cast list. You worked hard preparing for that audition.”
- Cheerlead: Express belief in your child’s abilities. “It makes sense that you’re worried, and I know you are strong and up to the challenge!”
Validation is the salve for a chronically invalidating environment. It doesn’t solve the child’s problems or mean you agree with their behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. It simply communicates that they make sense and that their feelings are legitimate.
Parent Responses to Avoid
Avoid invalidating responses, which tend to exacerbate supersensors’ problematic behavior. Consider these two examples:
- During a child’s explosive episode, the caregiver says: “You’re making a spectacle of yourself!” or “You’re overreacting.” This dismisses the child’s experience.
- When a child complains that an activity is hard or boring, and doesn’t do what they said they would, caregiver says: “I don’t want to hear excuses. Do as you’re told.” This rejects the child’s efforts to communicate their feelings and oversimpliflies the process of meeting a goal.
Usually, parents or teachers say these things with good intentions, but these sentiments rarely help supersensors. These kids get the feedback that their emotions are wrong or illogical, and they start to doubt their own experience. Feeling misunderstood often turns up the dial on their distress.
Validating Deeply Feeling Kids: Next Steps
- Watch: How ADHD Amplifies Emotions
- Read: When Angry Kids Lash Out – How to Defuse Explosive Reactions
- Learn: 10 Rules for Dealing with the Explosive Child
Lauren Allerhand, Psy.D.. is co-director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Programs and a psychologist for the Mood Disorders Center at San Francisco’s Child Mind Institute.
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Updated on February 20, 2025