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“Chivalry Exists”

I struggled to focus as the date spoke. I hope ADHD doesn’t prevent me from listening…

Yes, there is hope. It’s a rare man under 40 who actually wears a suit to a date, buys the tickets and makes reservations ahead of time.

He’s either really into me or a really good actor. Oh well, can’t get my hopes up too high, remember this: spinster forever. But he’s the nicest guy – really, really nice. I mean he’s said a million nice things about me tonight and all I could do was say nice tie, I love green. He’s thoughtful – hard to explain. A planner, too. He chose a really excellent restaurant. What a gentleman. Did I say the young ones didn’t exist anymore? Well they do, touché – at least I have hope now.

He wanted to know, did I want cocktails first? Did I have a certain restaurant I liked? Do they make them like that anymore? It was the perfect ending to a terrible day. Lately, things have been unraveling at a speedy pace.

He said we’ll meet at Barnes and Noble at 3rd Avenue and Lexington, and for the oddest reason I think he means the one three blocks away. I leave work early to make it on time and then I circle around the café, once twice and three times, wait 30 minutes and tell myself this is dating apocalypse, no man is dependable, they are all late, or don’t show up.

I say screw it, and go around the corner and buy pizza for dinner and sulk. I come close to not showing up at the Catholic meeting, and then on my way there I see him sitting on the steps, coffee in hand looking kind of well, surprised to see me. “Hey I was waiting for you but didn’t see you,” I said. When he said he’d been waiting at 3rd and Lexington, I thought, I screwed up. I wanted to kick myself. It was just so awkward, everything in my face showing as usual.

God, the oddest things happen to me. Today I walked in on a colleague as he was sitting on the toilet seat. And then I watch in green envy as Lisa and her baby come in and are magnets for attention – not fair, I think. I should just get pregnant and have a baby and everyone would go ohhh and ahhh over me. The five-year-old self was emerging again and it wasn’t good.

I was also losing my thoughts again, ideas ricocheting around, which got me thinking that the meds have done their wonders and left, kind of like the men in my life. Even though the date said I seemed so happy and positive, inside I felt blue. If anything though I hope that ADHD won’t prevent me from listening, which I struggled to do as the date spoke.

I need to remember these things, because in a relationship I need to be cognizant of what he likes too, I need to remember these things, he likes jazz music, he likes meat, he likes Italian, likes travel (has been to Morocco and lived in Japan). And although it wasn’t an instant attraction I felt a gut sense that maybe this could be it. The night ended with a glimmer of hope.

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