“It Stops with Me:” The End of ADHD Stigma and Cruelty
A stigma is unjust and evil. But stewing about it won’t help. Banding together with other moms and families will.
I had a surprise a while ago. I gave a talk to a business audience one evening on a subject unrelated to attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD). The room was filled with men and women, consultants, executives, all high achievers interested in learning what I knew about how to bring out the best in people in the workplace.
The surprise came after the talk was over. I stayed to answer questions and interact with the people I had just spoken to when a woman asked me if she could have a private moment.
We walked over to a corner of the room. She was a smartly dressed woman, looking to be in her early 50s. She looked me in the eye and asked, “Do you remember me? You diagnosed me with ADD a long time ago. You changed my life, and I want to thank you.”
I smiled and thanked her for thanking me. But that was not the surprise. “I also want to tell you that I saw you in a parking lot a few years ago. I wanted to come up and thank you then, but I decided not to, in case someone might recognize you and put two and two together and conclude that I had ADD. Isn’t that terrible?”
“No, it’s not terrible at all, but it is too bad. We all need to band together and stare down stigma, one person at a time.”
Changing the Way People Think Takes Generations
When you encounter stigma, prejudice, ignorance, or outright cruelty toward your child who has ADD, or toward another family member, it stings. I saw a patient in my office today, a man who had an IQ of 179 whose father told him every day how stupid he was. He was ashamed of his son because he had trouble reading and paying attention. He punished him in cruel and inhuman ways. This man went on to become a circuit court judge and a loving father of three. “It stops with me,” he said.
We have the truth on our side. There is talent embedded in ADHD and dyslexia. Just look at the brilliant and successful people who have those conditions. But changing societal attitudes takes generations. Just look at how long we’ve been fighting racism.
Correct ADD Misperceptions
When you encounter the ignorant mother who says your child is holding back the rest of the class and he ought to go to a school for handicapped children, follow Martin Luther King, Jr.’s advice: Hold back on your desire to clobber her and instead invite her out for coffee. Ask her, “Since you care enough to offer me your advice, could I invite you out for coffee and the chance to have a conversation so we can each learn about the other person’s point of view?”
We need to give voice to the children in the classrooms who are not being understood. We need to give support to the teachers who understand them but do not have the resources they need to help them. We need to educate the pediatricians who do the medical treatment of ADHD. There’s lots to do with the anger you feel.
Stewing about stigma won’t help, but banding together with other moms and families will.