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Ask the Parenting Expert:
Carol Brady, Ph.D.
When the Grandparents Don't Respect Your Rules
Q:
"When our five-year-old visits her grandparents, they indulge her—giving her treats, cleaning up after her, and helping her dress. They also refuse to give her her medication. Is this harmful?"
A:
The positives of having involved grandparents outweigh almost any problem. I’m convinced that children know that “grandparent rules” are different from “parent rules.” If something is unacceptable to you, make it clear (for example, 10 p.m. is the absolute latest she can stay up), then plan to resume your routines once she returns home.
The medication issue, however, warrants serious discussion. Loan the grandparents some books about ADHD, or set up a talk with them and your doctor. If they still refuse to give the medication, invite them to your home, but tell them that your daughter can’t stay over with them.
Dr. Carol Brady is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Houston, Texas. She is also a specialist in school psychology and a well-regarded speaker in the area of ADHD, children, and families in trauma and Tourette's Syndrome.
She received her Ph.D. from LSU and she is currently on the scientific advisory board for the Tourette's Syndrome Association and is an adjunct faculty at Baylor University and the University of Texas. Dr. Brady hopes to help children and families who deal with neurological/developmental disorders by serving as a regular columnist for ADDitude magazine.
 1 Comments:
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Posted by
KGR
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Jul 31 2009 @ 3:02 PM
Partly Agree
Our five yr. old's grandmother has been overindulging our child since the very early days. Attempts to discuss our parenting rules with her gently & express to her what is acceptable vs. what is not has unfortunately always met with resistance from her; time and time again.
She instead prefers to overstep the boundaries by replacing our parenting style with hers right in front of us when it comes so many areas including but not limited to: eating habits, manners, cleaning up, saying please /thank you among many other areas.
Her style seems to be all about mere indulgence and inconsistency, frankly, anything opposite of "the way we do it" at home.
The problems this has caused has steadily increased over time.
We have calmly sat with her alone to try and discuss what the rules are and that we feel its important to have consistency at home as well as when visiting grandma's place (including when grandma visits our home.) However, we found that the consistency talks haven't proven helpful. What happens is she questions everything. And upon hearing the answer, she carries on saying we are wrong and she is right. We respond by explaining the benefits of advice we've had success with; coupled with trial and error on our part: (advice from our own friends who have children, parenting books and articles, the pediatricians advice etc.)
Essentially she really just refuses to go along with the way we have decided to parent on so many levels, well all of them in fact! ...That we've found no choice but to limit visits due to lack of respect for our rules.
The other grandma however does like to discuss privately with us new or different ideas, but wont force her own styles or advice on us so blatantly. And so, when it comes to visits - she is wise enough to respect our parenting style and help to maintain the consistencies. As a result we find that visits with the respectful grandma result in a more harmonious relationship and more visits as a result.
<< "The positives of having involved grandparents outweigh almost any problem." >>
I partly agree with Dr. Brady on that point - yet in our case the 'almost' plays a big part in our individual situation.
Currently we're dealing with severe discipline issues now at home with our 5 yr old, (beginning with the birth of new baby sister) and will soon be having her treated, tested for ADD / ADHD & or whatevere else may be the core of this latest development. But unfortunately the disrespectful grandma is so disruptive to our family life--we've had to limit her role to the point of phonecalls and pictures in lieu of visits until we can work out the more immediate behavioral issues.
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