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Ask the Parenting Expert:
Mary Fowler
Stop Nagging—and Get Your Child to Listen
Q:
"Day after day, I remind my nine-year-old not to leave her dirty clothes in the bathroom after taking a bath, to put the milk back in the refrigerator, and so on. The problems are minor, but they add up to a lot of frustration. Why don’t my words sink in? Help."
A:
As you’ve discovered, repeating commands doesn’t work well. Children with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) do better with concrete reminders. When it’s just talk, many children interpret it as nagging! They tune out—fast.
Sounds like a behavior chart would help. Explain to your daughter that both of you are going to work on an improvement plan. You are going to nag less, and she is going to need less nagging. Select three behavioral goals, such as “put clothes into the hamper.”
Have your daughter help you make the chart. Agree ahead of time what the positive and negative consequences will be. If she puts her clothes in the hamper, she gets a star on the chart and a reward, such as extra time before bedtime to play a favorite game with you. Leaving her clothes on the floor might move her usual bedtime up by 15 minutes.
Try to “catch” her putting her clothes in the hamper, and express your appreciation “in the now.” When a behavior becomes a habit, remove it from the chart and decide what you’ll work on next.
If you want to develop the sense that the two of you are a team, chart your nagging, as well. Let’s define nagging as repeating a command or request more than twice without giving the child a negative consequence. “Catch” yourself nagging, and acknowledge it. As you nag less—and see your daughter make progress—you’ll feel less aggravated and stressed.
Writer, educator and advocate Mary Fowler is author of Maybe You Know My Child and Maybe You Know My Teen.
 8 Comments:
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Posted by
courtgos
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Mar 7 2008 @ 4:25 AM
Just let go
I know this is not the best of advice for little kids, but I have learned that with my ADD husband, nagging does not work at all!! This goes for teenagers and young adults. My husband does almost everything one commentor mentioned...he leaves clothes everywhere, leaves the front door open even when it is cold....... I notice that when I leave him alone and just mirror the good behavior while he is sitting there watching me pick up all his things...it's like a red light goes on.... Of course, not all people will respond to this, but it's worth a try! ;)
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Posted by
amy
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Mar 6 2008 @ 3:39 PM
ADHD & Teens
We should talk some time. Really! I'm a single mother of a very tall 14 year old. Very similar issues. We can vent and share ideas.
aalvidrez@albanyca.org
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Posted by
b3oliver
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Mar 6 2008 @ 1:24 PM
computor chore charts
There is a great webset that I found www.handipoints.com
You and your child or children all have separte logins and they get points when the finsh tasks. They can use the points in what ever they choose. Really hard to list all the great things they offer. I know my 7 year old absolutly loves it and when she gets 2000 points she wants to get a dog.
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Posted by
tjones
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Mar 5 2008 @ 9:09 PM
Teen trouble
For all of you who are being challenged by your teens, I HIGHLY recommend Love and Logic. They have a great website and many resources. I have used their techniques on our children, and 20 years worth of foster-children. Great stuff. The technique called Enforceable Statements is particularly powerful with teens. Here is an example. My 16 year old son did not get his homework done, so the next morning, I went to his room, took the car keys and said, "I allow driving privileges for those who have their homework done." I then evaded his attempts to suck me into an argument by answering, "I don't know", or "I love you too much to argue". A short time later he was finishing his homework. This is SO powerful because you tell the child what YOU will do, rather than telling them what to do. You can only control yourself anyway! Check it out! It is an incredible technique. It isn't real easy to begin with, but it's worth the effort. Good luck to all of you!
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Posted by
rhagerty
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Mar 5 2008 @ 7:57 PM
ADHD & Teens
I agree with all of the other comments - My son is almost 14 and charts and rewards worked when he was younger but now - between hormones and the ADHD it's not easy. I could certainly use some suggestions on how to handle a teenager!
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Posted by
myhouse2urs
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Mar 5 2008 @ 3:11 PM
ADHD & ODD in Older Teens
Because of non-threatening, but disruptive impulsive behavior, I took my son out of public school. He was due to be placed in a school with serious delinquents. He quickly joins in with others and desperately wants to 'fit in' so that didn't seem a good situation to put him in.
I, too, have a hard time keeping him motivated---doing his share of household chores, keeping his room clean, and the 'biggie' doing his school work.
Nothing works---no reward and withdrawing activities, TV, computer or video games.
Parents need some well thought out help in dealing with teens. I have worked myself to the limit to help him grow into a worthwhile citizen, but at 16, he's bigger than I am and just says "no," he's not going to do it.
I'm a working mother raising him alone.
Experts: Any help would be appreciated!
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Posted by
RCH
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Mar 5 2008 @ 1:43 PM
Nagging and Teens
I agree w/Carol. I feel like I'm talking to the wall w/my almost 15 yr old son. His room is deplorable, he seems to leave a trail wherever he goes, and his ability to focus seems to have dwindled to almost nothing. We increased his meds, but I'm wondering if it's part of the hormonal changes he's encountering as a teen. Would appreciate some advice for two full-time working parents, as the behavioral mod is very difficult to implement at this age.
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Posted by
Carol Hatcher
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Mar 5 2008 @ 1:12 PM
Anti-Nagging and 16 year old
The behavior chart worked well when my daughter was younger. Now she is in her mid teens and has "forgotten" some of the behaviors she learned earlier. A behavior chart doesn't seem to be the answer now.
What might you suggest for this age?
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