He's Lost That Loving Feeling


When we were dating, my husband, who has ADHD, made me feel like I was the center of his world. Then we got married, and it felt like someone flipped the switch off! He doesn’t touch me, or even talk to me, much. He tells me he loves me more than anything, but his actions don’t say that. What can I do?


Believe him when he says he loves you, and don’t take his lack of interest personally, although that is easier said than done.

At the same time, explain to him why his behaviors must change, so that you feel loved.

I warn you that it won’t happen overnight. You’ll have to persist to get him to understand how lonely you are and how he may be contributing to it. Without nagging him or accusing him of threatening the marriage, work with him to figure out how the two of you can spend more quality time together. For example, make a date each Sunday afternoon and explore your town together, hike in the woods, or go to a new restaurant in a neighboring town.

Another option is to promise that you’ll eat breakfast and dinner together and share details of your day. Schedule enough together time each week so that you feel connected to him. On another note, you might also suggest that he talk with his doctor about tweaking his treatment plan.

Melissa Orlov is coauthor of a blog on ADHD and marriage on http://www.adhdmarriage.com/. She is also author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage (Specialty Press).

Melissa Orlov is a marriage consultant, specializing in helping ADHD-affected couples rebalance their relationships. She is a cum laude graduate of Harvard College and the author of the award-winning books: The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD. She blogs for adhdmarriage.com and Psychology Today and has been interviewed by The New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, and CBS, among many others.

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