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Ask the Adult ADD Expert:
Melissa Orlov
Constantly Angry at My ADHD Spouse
Q:
I always expected my marriage to be happy. Yet, these days, I feel anger at my ADD spouse most of the time. How do I get control of my emotions and my relationship?
A:
Your anger is a clear sign that something is awry in your ADHD marriage.
The best way to deal with this powerful emotion is to determine its cause. For instance, you may think you’re upset with your husband for spending so much time on the computer, but the real source of anger may be feelings of loneliness and the fear that you’re unloved.
Talk with him about your feelings in a calm and caring way. Once you find the reasons for your anger, you can take control of your relationship.
Taking control means understanding that you — and only you — are responsible for your life (stop blaming your spouse); communicating thoughtfully, not lashing out (a mild-mannered approach will get your spouse to cooperate and, possibly, to change); and engaging in activities that reduce your anger and make you happier. This isn’t easy, so get help.
I would start by reading a good book on the subject, such as The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. She writes extensively about relationships like yours, and offers specific solutions. The book also teaches you how to avoid getting angry about things you don’t have control over.
Do you have a question for Melissa Orlov? Post it to our expert forums. She’ll try to answer one question a week, so check back often to read her answers and to see what other ADDitude readers are asking.
 3 Comments:
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Posted by
shebutler
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Oct 6 2009 @ 9:23 PM
Constantly angry... part two
OMG!!!!I can so relate!!!This is my story, different person. The sad thing is, I have attempted several times with the solution provided, but, the solution is just one more thing I have to do. Is there a bottom line solution to get the ADD'er to pick up their slack?
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Posted by
ADDWife
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Jun 24 2009 @ 3:45 AM
Constantly angry...
I think it's interesting that so many of the solutions given to the spouses of those with ADHD require us to take over those responsibilities our spouses can't handle. Much of the resentment we feel is for that reason already. I, for one, have a demanding career because my husband has such struggles with his and I need to be the primary wage earner. I manage our finances because he can not. I keep the family schedule and transport the children everywhere because he will forget where they need to go (yes, even with a list and a schedule) and I maintain the household because he apparently does not see the mess. What more can I do?
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Posted by
Jaydra Hymer
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May 22 2009 @ 12:41 PM
Constantly Angry at My ADHD Spouse
It can definitely be a challenge to be married to a spouse with ADHD. In addition to the good advice Melissa gave,one thing that can help is to gain a greater understanding of what makes the ADHD brain tick (or not tick). It is important for you to understand that there are some things that at this point in time, he may only have a small measure of control over-- such as forgetting things, acting impulsively, saying things in the wrong way, not tuning in to what you need, not helping with what you would like him to help with, and so forth. Once you both understand what areas he has challenges in, then you can work to make adaptations. For instance, instead of getting mad because he didn't pick up the clothes from the dry cleaners on the way home from work, even though you reminded him the night before, send a text or call him to ask if it is still going to work out for him to pick them up (say it in a way that doesn't sound like you are talking down to a two-year-old who needs to be reminded). Or if you are needing help with the kids, or need him to take you out, don't get your feelings hurt because he doesn't just figure it on his own. Instead, "Say it straight"— tell him what you need, but without any anger or attitude to your voice. Instead of, "I always have to do everything around here," say, "Would you tuck the kids in while I finish the dishes?" Or, instead of, "Why don't you ever get off that stupid computer?" say, "I need some attention tonight, can I call a sitter so we can have some me and you time?" (then be sure that you make your time together enjoyable—don’t have it be your gripe session about all his failings). And the last thing to remember is that there is a reason you fell in love with him. Don't let his ADHD challenges eclipse what is good about him and what is good about the two of you as a couple. Best of luck— your efforts will be worth it.
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