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Ask the Adult ADD Expert:
Kerch McConlogue
Dealing With Emotional Detachment
Q:
"Is it true that people with ADD feel emotions less intensely than non-ADDers? My husband has ADD, and sometimes he seems emotionally detached."
A:
People with ADD vary in their reactions to the emotions of people around them. Some ADDers pay so much attention to others' emotions that they barely notice anything else. Other ADDers, including your husband, seem oblivious to others' emotions.
If you'd like your husband to be more attuned to your feelings, find a private time to talk things over. Using "I" statements, tell him how you feel: "When I told you the car broke down, I felt frustrated because you didn't seem concerned or offer to drop off the kids. I wish you had at least acknowledged my difficult situation." Then give him time to react. Maybe he, too, was anxious about something, or didn't know what to suggest. In any case, pointing out that he missed something will help ensure that it will be on his personal radar the next time.
Kerch McConlogue is a Baltimore-based ADD coach.
 1 Comments:
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Posted by
michaelmosca
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Feb 20 2008 @ 1:11 PM
emotional detachment
I am 53 years old and was Dx'd ADD a few years ago. Looking back at my life, especially school and work but also relationships, through the prism of my new understanding has been very revealing. Emotional detachment may not be the very best phrase for what the writer describes of her husband's behavior. It is not so much a detachment as it is a jumble of scrambled thoughts and emotions that seem to converge at once. This makes it impossible to comfortably engage any one person or activity. In those times, speaking for myself, I choose to become detached from everything but the most essential things, like remaining alert and aware on the road or in a crowd, etc. If I am alone then all my attention needs to be centered and quieted to some manageable level until the worst of the situation passes. It's those times that anyone in a close relationship with me would think I am aloof or detached. It's only that I'm on "overload" and I am modulating the sensory and cognitive "noise" so it doesn't cause me to become despondent or overly frustrated or dysphoric. I am usually quiet and seek solitude in those times. When they pass I explain/apologize to my wife or whoever else might have been affected by my "mood". I explain what was happening and offer to make up for the lost time by devoting my best attention to that person. And when I can turn my attention to one thing, I am locked and loaded and aimed ...you wouldn't trade me for another listener for anything! Telling her husband how she feels and telling him what he might do to avoid his wife's perceptions of detachment and indifference are intended to do what? Alleviate the hurt feelings this lady has? It must be because it isn't going to accomplish a thing with regard to the husband's behavior. He is trapped in his ADD at those times and she should understand and wait for him to feel better. I'll bet he knows how she feels and doesn't like it any more than she does.
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