Getting Along with the Non-ADHD Spouse

3 Comments:

• Posted by ginniebean - Mar 12 2009 @ 3:09 AM
  Expert dropped the ball
  Considering the wealth of posts by and for non-ADD spouses on the difficulty of living with an add spouse, you'd think there would be a little attention given to the difficulties an ADD spouse has living with a critical non-ADD spouse. This is an issue, and the potential for abuse is indeed a risk. My first thought would not be, is your medication needing to be adjusted, or get reassessed by a psychiatrist, or go pay for some coaching, but rather, MY first thought would be about the womans welfare, has the non-add spouse unreasonable expectations, does he need education, is he a jerk with a control problem, Has this relationship become abusive? Do you need a link to educate yourself on what psychological abuse looks like? This answer not so subtley puts the onus on the person with the ADHD to jump thru hoops to accomodate a spouse who is critical. Not all criticism is well intended, not all criticism is realistic, or reasonable. The ability to outpace a person with ADD in verbal gymnastics can lead to classic covert abuse patterns. I do not know if there is any research supporting abuse of partners with ADD, but particularly women, with low self esteem, depression, and other emotional and cognitive difficulties have been shown to be more at risk for psychological and emotional abuse. The assumption that the spouse with ADD is probably the problem is sending the stereotyped message of blame. Surely, like other human beings sometimes a spouse can be an abusive jerk. Finally, why are there no articles for people with ADD to cope with the non-add spouse? Unrealistic expectations, constant criticism, minimizing our difficulties because of ignorance, prejudice, frustrated angry outbursts , built up resentment etc.. are common in an ADD'ers relationships. This answer was disappointing.
• Posted by meadd823 - Mar 12 2009 @ 1:20 AM
  I don't "get it" at all
  Why does the ADDer have to automatically be the one to change? Being ADD in no way make us automatically wrong. There was not one thought to the notion that being over critical doesn't have squat to do with organization and that being overly maticulious to the point of expecting every one to be to is NOT a sign of good mental health. So while the young lady is in getting her ADD medication tweaked she should be encouraged to drag her hypercritical man along and have him evaluated for OCD We should be responsible of our behavior but to assign the ADDer the blames for their neurotypical spouses critical behavior is wrong. Couples should be in a place to work together.She should do all with in her power to make modifications that increase functioning but he needs to learn to accept and love her for who she is as she is. Compromising should be encouraged as opposed to always blaming the ADD. . . Diversity isn't the enemy fear of it is!
• Posted by Daryl McNabb - Nov 5 2007 @ 3:50 PM
  Getting Along with the Non-ADHD Spouse
  Yep, lose things, procrastinate, forget to pay bills, etc... Oh boy, do I know the feeling. I think your husband should be lucky to have someone like you and vice versa. I think it can be a complimentary relationship. I bet he can't do 15 things at once, focus on problems and come up with a creative solution, etc.. I have shared specific web pages (sorry, I don't have the addresses with me now) about people with ADD. The 1st step is understanding. In my opinion, ADD is a curse and a gift. Let him read about people with ADD, the struggles, etc. Hopefully he caqn then understand. If not, well, unfortanutely, there will be problems.