Hi! I am new to this forum. First and foremost, I'm feeling really scared and vulnerable right now. Hate this feeling.

I am a 31 year old professional single woman. I've been dealing with ADHD my whole life, but diagnosed within last 5 years. I've never had much success with meds... but I want to find treatment that will help me to calm my ADHD mind down and enable me to focus and not procrastinate. When I was diagnosed the test I took classified me as "inattentive type" and that's why it was able to fly under the radar for so long for me without getting in the way of my life. I first sought treatment for my mental health and emotional well-being in 2005 when I graduated from college. At that time I had just started a new job, was overwhelmed by stress of being an adult and also had a car accident which just made everything worse. I started having irrational fears and and anxiety, so I sought counseling. I work as a social worker and at that time I worked with adults with major mental health issues such as severe bipolar, anti-social personality disorder, chronic severe depression, schizophrenia, etc. In the state I was in with my mental health and emotions at that time I began to believe that I was going to wind up with a severe mental health problem as well, that I would never be able to hold down a job, have relationships, or accomplish any of my dreams. I was in counseling at this time, and I talked about my fears with my counselor. He reassured me that he did not see any signs of bipolar or a major mental health problem in me, other than severe anxiety and depression. As I went on in my sessions and started an anti-depressant things seemed to stabilize for me. I quit my job and began working in a lower stress/emotionally safe environment for myself (a local grocery store) and started my journey to find sanity for myself.

A couple of months into that job, I got a job more along the lines of what I wanted to do and started working with adults with developmental disabilities. I continued seeing my counselor, and he convinced me with my new insurance to get tested for ADHD and also... to see a psychiatrist, which was a phobia of mine bc I was convinced they were going to diagnose me with something that to me would mean I was crazy... namely bipolar. I had known (and continue to know) several people who have bipolar disorder and the people I knew with it at that time were my cousin who would walk up and down busy highways and talk about things so bizarrely I couldn't understand them, and my uncle who has in many ways resorted to giving up and living off of disability. He lives in a cluttered "hoarder like" apartment, is extremely overweight, talks about bizarre subject matter, and is like a hermit. I was terrified that I was going to become like "them." Sorry to offend anyone. To my surprise the psychiatrist did not feel that I had bipolar, he felt that I had ADHD and that my ADHD had probably been the source of lots of depression and anxiety for me. That is when I first started taking meds for ADHD. I had been taking anti depressants (namely Zoloft, and then when I didn't have insurance my doctor gave me samples of an anti-anxiety medicine called Effexor). I first took Adderall and because I was not used to taking a stimulant I panicked. I noticed shaking, fast talking, minimal appetite, and I hated how I felt... it amped up anxiety in me. I called the doctor and told him I was afraid to keep taking the medicine... He told me if I thought I would continue to worry about it to stop, and we would try something else. I had concerns about the psychiatrist I was seeing at that time because he would schedule multiple patients for the same time and I would wind up waiting 45 min-1.5 hours for an appointment that I had scheduled. Also, he would type on his computer and ignore many of my comments, and he did not seem to believe in the approach of a patient knows his/her body best. I decided to stop going to this particular psychiatrist and see if I could work with my PCP instead. My PCP is an osteopathic doctor (DO) and I felt comfortable sharing what I was going through with her and she would consider my thoughts on self-care but still offer her expertise. She made me feel empowered in taking care of my own health and I value that a lot. At that time I took an anti-depressant (Lexapro) and then was tested for any physiologically reasons for my depression and I found out that I have an underactive thyroid... so she started having me take synthetic thyroid hormone (Synthroid) and we also started straight ritalin. No time release formula (because I wanted to sleep and be calm on weekends) but wanted to be alert and focused at work. Let me also tell you that at this time I had held down that job for 2 years and was 27. Things seemed to be going well, but things at work were changing and it seemed to be time to move on.

I took a job 3 and a half hours away from my family and that also offered no health insurance... so my medical expenses including prescriptions were all out of pocket. I continued taking my anti-depressant and synthroid... but not ritalin. I had a very difficult time adjusting to living away from my family... I did it for 8 months, but not without consequences. I had a car accident, bought a lemon car that cost me a ton in repairs, quit my job (I was being asked to work 60 to 90 hour weeks on a salary of $27,000)... didn't know many people I was close to in town, and I incurred a lot of debt. I also worked at a family owned business after I quit my first job there but was layed off/fired after about 2 months because they said I was too much of a people person, didn't fit into their business, and they didn't have enough work for me. I was devastated. This happened in December 2008 and that is when I decided to move home. In the beginning of February 2009 I moved back home.

So that brings me to now... I've now been living at home with my parents since February 2009... that's three years. I held a steady job as a social worker from June 2009-June 2011, when I did a very practical thing and accepted a higher paying job in the same field. I've been there for 8 months now and for the most part I'm happy there. I struggle with getting along with co-workers sometimes, I struggle with self-doubts, I struggle with impulses and a desire to be perfect (overcompensating for my extremely forgetful mind) but I've had 2 years of success at 2 separate jobs so I know I can do it. I've also been back on ritalin since sometime around June 2009. I hate feeling amped up and hyper, so I took a very low dose, along with my anti-depressant (paroxetine or generic paxil) and Synthroid. I go to my doctor regularly for blood work due to my synthroid and on a couple of occasions I mentioned that I didn't like how hyper I felt on ritalin, but that sometimes I felt like I needed it. She discussed a new medication called Vyvanse and I looked into it and decided just two weeks ago to try it. I remembered my old psychiatrist and therapist saying that my ADHD could be the source of anxiety and depression for me... so I decided I wanted to be committed to treating it. I've now been on 50 mg of Vyvanse for about two weeks. I take it in the morning and then eat breakfast... and I take my other medications before bedtime (20 mg of paroxetine and 75 mcg of synthroid). For the last two weeks I've had positive and negative results... I've been able to get a lot of work done, have been able to sleep, and have had some periods of calm. However, I've also had feelings of hyperactivity (typing really fast), being extremely verbose or talkative (more so than usual), a desire to pour my feelings out to anyone who will listen, anxiety, tremors, lightheadedness when standing up, and dry mouth.

I don't know what to do. I'm in between counselors right now... and I think that's a big help for me, because I almost need someone to bounce ideas off of and center me at times. I'm working on seeing a counselor I used to see when I had a former employer's insurance, but they do not take my EAP yet and I'm trying to save some money. Do I sound crazy? Will some of my side effects from Vyvanse subside? Does anyone else experience LOTS of anxiety with their ADHD? Some help and encouragement from others who have been in similar positions might help.

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