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Ok.... So here goes. I need help
I am 35 years old, a firefighter/paramedic and a father of four. My relationships, however, have continuously taken the same pattern. 11 years ago I was in a relationship, had a son and it soon ended due to my impulses and aggression. At the time, I was also using steroids... So that seemed to be the problem. Then 5 years ago, I got into another serious relationship and had a beautiful daughter. Impulses and aggression took over again. Always convinced that she was cheating and always blaming her for the problems. Most recently, I absolutely fell in love with my fiancé, who has a daughter of her own. We had a baby boy 4 months ago... Now, it seems like it is happening again. With her, and my kids... I am overly aggressive with my discipline and now the house was in chaos because if me. I blamed her for post partem and began checking her phone and email with doubts of her trust. My insecurities and impulses have taken over my life. Now, my fiancé has notified my two other children's moms about my behavior. This was done out of love and in hopes I can shake these insecure thoughts and impulses. I am now living back at my parents for the past week and am not seeing my kids. I am in such fear that this relationship is deysroyed and the trust of my kids are ruined. I am now on kolonopin and Zoloft for 3 weeks. I do feel that the edge is somewhat off... But rather than getting motivated to get better and get the help I need. Depression and racing thoughts are overwhelming. I want to stop the way I am so bad. I want to be a better person, parent, and father so bad. I am talking to two different therapists... But am contemplating Ritalin or adderall may be an option... Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I have nowhere to turn.
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