Dito...dito...dito!! But my son also has Asperger's, Generalized Anxiety and possibly ODD & OCD! Yikes!

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I am in tears, with the exception of hanging out with the wrong kids and annoying people in school....that is my son....and welcome to my life. He is also 11 and just started middle school, we are off to a TERRIBLE start. Missing assignments, lying about amount of homework, ignoring projects, losing supplies, etc...I am at a loss. Nothing in life has come easily for me, I have struggled throughout much, yet always prevailed and left it behind, learned from it...grew from it. This will never go away! I tell everyone that he's not the only one on drugs "adderal", I am too (blood pressure). I get so angry at his room, the condition of my house, his personal belongings and 3 hours of helping him with homework that should have only taken 45 minutes, but the non-sensicle conversations and tantrums (sometimes mine), drag on. I have a 7 year old daughter with my second husband who get thrown to the wasteside while I devote my time and effort to my ADHD son. I try to look at the bright side to make it through. He is otherwise a happy and healthy child, he is compassionate, resourceful, athletic, innovative, mechanical, talented and bright. My fear is that he will never work hard and excel at anything because nothing is worth the effort; yet I put forth my best effort, but it doesn't seem enough to help him, help himself. Best of luck to all!

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Reading your post I felt that I was reading about myself!!!! Tantrums, lying, my exhaustion, putting the others to one side .. is exactly my situation. Yet he is gifted, like your son, Centre stage in plays and musicals, a winning smile and oh-so-nice to other people when he wants. No-one would know what goes on at home, all the yelling and screaming and answer backs.).

You said: I get so angry at his room, the condition of my house, his personal belongings and 3 hours of helping him with homework that should have only taken 45 minutes, but the non-sensicle conversations and tantrums (sometimes mine), drag on.

THAT'S ME TOO EVERYDAY :)

I'd really like to stay in touch with you, I need a friend who understands what I go through every day unlike my other friends who have the perfect kids.

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my 7 year old daughter was diagnosed recently wi sensory issues and adhd after a 2 year battle non stop problems at school and at home and no clue why she was misbehaving so badly all i knew was im her mum and i knew something wasnt right she was an angle as ababy and a toddler until 3 onwards and since constant battles every day its draining for me i have 2 other children a boy 9 and a girl 2 as well as working 16 hour and my partner works away monday to friday but i think hes happy to get away from the mad house and to be fair i find it easier when im alone to deal with it all cos he cant grasp why shes so difficult and dont think he ever will he tries to understand but dont think fully that he will ever and at least when im alone i dont have to defend her actions i can just let her be herself its a constant war zone with tantrums her lieing her and my son fighting and cos shes so loud and dramatic and emotional everythings that much worse with her having this condition nothing has a time scale or organisation my daily life is never dull im still learning my self how to deal with things its hard for me to have to reprogram myself and my parenting to adapt to my daughters needs and understand how she must feel she craves my constant attension and if i dont give her it i get u dont love me! u love everybody else more!screaming and crying its hard cos my life is her more than my other 2 i just try my best to give them all my love and time its a very complicated disorder to understand i just hope as time go,s on il understand more and have the tools to cope like u all i have hard days were ive had enuf and cry and cant cope but no days are the same and sum are beta then others i look at her and no matter how bad things get ano she dosnt mean how she acts or wot she says and i love her to a million pieces and ano she loves me!my life is hard but if she wa any different it wouldnt be her:-)

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Nice to hear from you, again we share many things in common and it's encouraging to know other parents are just as tired and emotional as I am. I understand about partners/fathers not understanding. It's the same in my house, no-one understands and they think he just likes being annoying and difficul with everything to get attention. I often have to defend his actions and when we are out together I'm anxious all the time about what he's going to do or say to make the others mad. Restaurants, cinema or other outings are difficult.

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Last night I was just drained and I cried and cried after my 10 year old went to sleep. He was so difficult and I felt so guilty too because I feel like I was not organized enough and this is what is causing some of the major problems. I let him stay up too late. I let him play games when I knew that his frustration tolerance was too low at the time. On top of that I was nagging him to do homework and practice his instrument. I am also disorganized, emotional at times and ADD too. I often wonder if most of this is my fault even though my brain knows it isn't completely. I wish I could be organized and calm. I'm really unhappy. On top of it all I have a meeting at school today to discuss "behavior." I just want to crawl into a hole.

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Gosh...I was about to write my own post about my 14 year old son...and after reading the OP's post...I'm in tears. I can so relate. I get so tired of hearing..."he's so smart, BUT.....", and the fact that I TOO have ADHD doesn't help any. I put so much time, money, and energy in to helping him, that I can't even begin to take care of myself. We've been dealing with notes and phone calls since the age of 4...and the funny part is that he is really a bright kid. No, seriously...he is bright. WHEN he studies he makes A's (or, should I say, when I hover while he studies) but I work 12 hour nights and his daddy works 16 hour days. Hovering is not always practical...but we work these jobs to pay for meds, therapy, replacement items that he has lost or broken, etc. This is his first year of high school, and already he has been in two fights, has managed to fail English for the first grading period, almost fail Algebra, fail an ELECTIVE class that is rumored to be an easy A, and as of this coming morning, will start a 5-day suspension because another boy TOLD him to fight someone else...and he DID IT! High school is supposed to be the best years of his life, and it is just AWFUL!! No sports, no ROTC, no nothing....I cry so much because other parents in my circle of friends always brag about how proud they are of their kid and their grades, basketball/football performance, assorted accomplishments and achievements, while I LOATHE the day his report cards come home. We have a parent portal where we can check their grades daily. But now, opening that website is like opening bills that you can't pay....I just DON'T. It's gotten so bad that when he says Hi Mom, I just dryly say "hey" because I know it will be followed by bad news. When my phone rings during the day and I see his school in the caller ID, I answer with, "Oh God, what did he do THIS time?" I'm so tired of crying, switching meds, switching docs, justifying his behavior, arguing with his daddy about how to go about raising him (strangely enough I understand my son's thought processes because we share quite a few common ADHD traits), and listening to my father say "bring him down here to me, I bet he won't do any of that with me". People just have no idea what I go through. Sigh. Well, on the contrary, I guess you guys do. :)

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I thought I was reading my friend's post, but she has a son 14. I also have a son and daughter 12 each with ADHD and RAD. Daughter only has ADHD. We talk a lot. I have found reading the other blogs on this web site make me feel better. We all know we are not alone in our problems and we are NOT bad parents. Outsiders do not understand our situation and usually only make things worse. Good therapists are hard to find but you need to have one that specializes in ADHD or in my case RAD (Attachment disorder). I am also looking into starting a support group in my area. Even if its only a few of us it would help to talk to others that know our situation. Right now I know of three moms in my area. Just knowing I am not crazy or a bad parent helps some. I am thinking the group could just have coffee/tea and a hour away would be helpful. Anyone else in my area insterested please comment back. I am in Cecil County MD. Keep reading this magazine it has helped me. Not so much my son or daughter yet. FYI I have ADHD as well and a full time job.

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Just found this site. Had to hop on the internet to find SOMEONE who could relate. My daughter is 8. I can't even go into all the "stuff" weighing on me....clearly all of you out there are dealing with very similar issues and I'll just say "ditto." I did want to throw one question out there. This is the third year in a row that I have noticed this....something about October seems to trigger a massive "setback" for my daughter. Every year -- the teachers start calling, the coaches start calling, her behavior at home becomes unbearable. Her meds (15mg Focalin) seem all wrong. If I give her the full dosage, she gets zombielike and starts picking at her skin. If I don't give it to her, the teachers are ready to strangle her. Has anyone else had experience with this? It's as if the change of seasons wreaks havoc on her. I don't know whether there's an allergy??? There's no sneezing, etc. Or a sensitivity to the light changes? But we go through this the latter half of every October -- and by mid-November she will likely "reset" and come out of it. But what is this??????

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I feel like I'm reading a bio about myself with this topic.My son is only 3 and has ADHD,(yes,we went to 2 pyschcologist 2 and 2 pyschiatrists).He is on Risperdal (2 times a day) and Adderall (3 times a day),and he still acts out,I dread picking him up from daycare,I am always getting bad reports about him.Lately,he has been running up to the other parents and hugging them,(some of the parents don't like that)Hey at least he's not hitting them,but it was brought to my attention by one of his teachers.If they don't have any children or friends with children that have ADHD they don't understand it and it just gets to you.I'm getting tired of explaining too people why he acts the way he does.Some days I just feel like drowing my sorrows in alcohol,but then I have to think about my kids (also have a 12yr old daughter) and I would'nt be good to anyone including myself.Ok,I think I have vented enough,I'm glad I found this website!!! :) Have A Good Day Everyone!!

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Just discovered this and am so excited to be able to talk to people who KNOW what it's like to have a kid with ADHD! If one more of my friends with "normal" kids tells me they know how I feel I am going to scream. They have no idea what it's like to have a kid like ours!!! My daughter is 14, takes Concerta at 5:00 am because if my husband doesn't wake her up and give it to her then she is a complete b*h! She also takes a short acting pill at about 4:00 pm to get her through the rest of the evening. Homework is HORRIBLE, particularly math which she currently failing. She has a 504 plan in place and many of her teachers are really good about getting us a list of assignments and working with her challenges; they really want her to succeed. Her math teachers, however, wants to teach his class his way and too bad if my daughter learns differently or forgets to hand things in. I feel like I am on the phone with the school counselor EVERY DAY trying to get her caught up. I am probably the only mother who did the Happy Dance when my daughter's math grade went from an F to a D!!

And don't even get me started about how she has no filter on what she says or does! And she misses so many social cues. She has managed to make friends, but I'm not always sure they are the right kind of friends. I have to watch her like a hawk - texts, Facebook, etc. She says things that I know are meant as a joke, but she opens herself up to ridicule and it breaks my heart. She did manage to play water polo this fall and did fairly well. In addition to ADHD, she has Auditory Processing Disorder so multistep directions completely confound her. It is so evident in sports; she can only do one thing at a time. Most parents measured their kids' success on how much they improved during the season. We were just so delighted that she played at all!!!

Oh I could go on and on, but I know you all feel my pain and frustration. Thank you for listening. She is such an amazing person and I know she will do something great with her life; I'm just afraid no one but me and my husband will see it.

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Hi, I feel your pain and have experienced many of the same things you have. One thing we did notice, is that my daughter(8yr old, ADHD on Concerta) has some seasonal allergies that flare up end of September through November. When we started giving her Singulair for her mild seasonal sinus allergies, October stopped being less of a "Shocktober" scholastically. Hope this helps, and, stay strong--this is not an easy childhood to parent through. Quote:

tcforre said: Just found this site. Had to hop on the internet to find SOMEONE who could relate. My daughter is 8. I can't even go into all the "stuff" weighing on me....clearly all of you out there are dealing with very similar issues and I'll just say "ditto." I did want to throw one question out there. This is the third year in a row that I have noticed this....something about October seems to trigger a massive "setback" for my daughter. Every year -- the teachers start calling, the coaches start calling, her behavior at home becomes unbearable. Her meds (15mg Focalin) seem all wrong. If I give her the full dosage, she gets zombielike and starts picking at her skin. If I don't give it to her, the teachers are ready to strangle her. Has anyone else had experience with this? It's as if the change of seasons wreaks havoc on her. I don't know whether there's an allergy??? There's no sneezing, etc. Or a sensitivity to the light changes? But we go through this the latter half of every October -- and by mid-November she will likely "reset" and come out of it. But what is this??????

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Hi all I have just found this web sight - and thank goodness. I am not alone. In fact I don't even have to type in any details of our daily struggles- all of you have done it already.! I live in South Africa and my daughter is not doing well even on loads of medication. She is 7 and takes 108mg Concerta, 100mg Lamictin, 40mg straterra,1.5mg serenace, 3mg risperdal... Not sure what the american equivilants are - but she is on everything that can be prescibed here. I had to remove her from Grade one as she could not cope and she is going to a remedial school in January - a year behind all her peers. Her behaviour is still not controlled - she seems to metabolise her meds very quickly and peace only reigns from 5 am to 11am... It is Monday and I have had the usual HORRIBLE weekend with her and I'm just so glad I have found a forum with people who understand. Look forward to lots of give and take support. Regards

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As everyone has said, I may as well have written all these posts myself. I am a single mom with 2 boys (age 15 and 13) who both have ADHD and ODD. I also have ADHD. Life is a nighmare. I even came up with a formula (not sure why): ADD + ODD = HOE (hell on earth). That's how I feel most days. I can totally relate to all those with the school issues. Two years ago, when my oldest was in 8th grade, I literally spent all my vacation hours at school meetings, psychologist/psychiatrist offices, CST meetings, etc. Oldest failed Algebra in 8th grade so had to repeat in 9th. Failed English this 1st quarter of 10th grade. Youngest was always in fights at school and being suspended. On and on and on. Both boys are extremely oppositional. The youngest spent 10 days in a mental health oriented hospital for hitting me. The oldest has also hit me and had to complete a 90-day Probation program with JD. Both of them have destroyed my house. It's not worth buying anything new. If they know it's something I really value, that's the item they'll go after when they are mad. I gave up on getting help from them a couple of years ago. I do everything myself- laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, yard work, and I work more than a full time job. Meds help some but their dad doesn't believe in ADD (as some of you have mentioned) and he's constantly trying to convince them to not take their meds or that I'm crazy. I have spent tens of thousands (yes, really) on psychological tests, therapy (doesn't work for these kids), meds, doctors, my own therapy (has definitely helped), and even managed to get Home Based Services from the public school system. Essentially, nothing really works that well. I came to this website tonight to seek some relief b/c I'm so tired and always feel ashamed or that I'm to blame for a lot of this mess we're in. I know others have felt that way too. Deep down I know that it isn't really my fault (although I did contribute to handing down the ADD). I try to feel better by telling myself I have done all that I can to help them. I even went through 2 separate incidences of physical/mental exhaustion where I was completely debilatated. Again, I feel the same as all of you when it comes to family, coworkers, friends who have NO CLUE what this disorder is all about. I'm always the one who has to sit there quietly while they all tell their wonderful family stories at Christmastime or vacations. Several of my holidays have been spent either at the Mental Health unit in my community or at the Juvenile Detention Center. The police have come to my house so many times I was starting to get familiar with a couple of them. I am so tired of the lying, the homework battles, the utter mess, the refusals to bathe, the name calling (b*h, dumb-a$$, f-off, etc.), and the desperation of it all. I have come to some sort of peace with myself tho. That is that my oldest has only 2.5 years of high school left and then I don't have to support him anymore. Sounds harsh, I know. But I honestly believe that there is nothing more that I can do except to wait this out. I do my best every day. I have to in order to do my job as a parent which I still do take very seriously. However, it breaks you down. I read something so exactly like me recently in a book by Russell Barkley. It was talking about the stress that parents like us endure while raising ADD kids. He said that parents go thru a process while trying to get children to comply. Eventually, after repeated failures, they wind up detached. They disconnect themselves from their kids, often barely making an effort to meet daily needs and wind up just giving in to many of the children's demands. They avoid interaction with their kids whenever possible. Sad to say it but that is completely where I am at right now. I am only happy outside of the home. As soon as I enter the house there is discord, arguments, and tension. In an odd way, reading this made me feel better. Heck if they wrote about it in a book then I'm not the only one! It's just horrible to have to admit that you don't want to be around your kids anymore. I'm hoping that one day when they are older we can reconnect on a much more loving and respectful level. I love these kids very much and would do anything for them. But I have come to realize that I can't really save them. Nor do I deserve to be treated so badly. I do know that they cannot always help it but the scars are very deep. Stay strong everyone. We do have each other to lean on. As someone suggested, the support groups are very helpful. I used to attend those several years ago and need to get back to that. It really does help.

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I to have a daughter that has ADHD and is 14.5, and i agree i am at my wits end all the time of late, we are struggling with Meds as we were using concertia but shortly after her 14th we decided that the rebound was awful and changed her on to Strattera,, worst mistake ever . So challenging argumentative aggressive. i haven't found one other mum who has daughter with this condition , we to suffer the consequences when her friendships fall apart which seems to be frequently. and yes she also keeps the wrong type of company., Her school try really hard with her and i have a good relationship with he mentor at school. however she often plays up gets chucked out of class . Wonder where it will all end.

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MomofADHDGurl said: Just discovered this and am so excited to be able to talk to people who KNOW what it's like to have a kid with ADHD! If one more of my friends with "normal" kids tells me they know how I feel I am going to scream. They have no idea what it's like to have a kid like ours!!! My daughter is 14, takes Concerta at 5:00 am because if my husband doesn't wake her up and give it to her then she is a complete b*h! She also takes a short acting pill at about 4:00 pm to get her through the rest of the evening. Homework is HORRIBLE, particularly math which she currently failing. She has a 504 plan in place and many of her teachers are really good about getting us a list of assignments and working with her challenges; they really want her to succeed. Her math teachers, however, wants to teach his class his way and too bad if my daughter learns differently or forgets to hand things in. I feel like I am on the phone with the school counselor EVERY DAY trying to get her caught up. I am probably the only mother who did the Happy Dance when my daughter's math grade went from an F to a D!!

And don't even get me started about how she has no filter on what she says or does! And she misses so many social cues. She has managed to make friends, but I'm not always sure they are the right kind of friends. I have to watch her like a hawk - texts, Facebook, etc. She says things that I know are meant as a joke, but she opens herself up to ridicule and it breaks my heart. She did manage to play water polo this fall and did fairly well. In addition to ADHD, she has Auditory Processing Disorder so multistep directions completely confound her. It is so evident in sports; she can only do one thing at a time. Most parents measured their kids' success on how much they improved during the season. We were just so delighted that she played at all!!!

Oh I could go on and on, but I know you all feel my pain and frustration. Thank you for listening. She is such an amazing person and I know she will do something great with her life; I'm just afraid no one but me and my husband will see it.

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I'm reading the posts from everyone and feel like you all have a front row seat to the window of my life. I'm a mother of four (22, 20, 19 & 13)...my 19 & 13 yr old sons have ADD & ADHD respectively. My husband too has ADHD & OCD. Needless to say, there is never a dull moment at our house. My 19 yr old, was never placed on medication nor could I get his father to acknowledge the diagnosis. He struggled, but not in the same way my 13 yr old son does. My 13 yr old has been "under the microscope" in school since the second grade....say hello to notes home, phone calls home and suspensions. Middle school has been a living hell. He seems to get in trouble for typical age related things that his peers can do and have no repercussions. He's an intelligent, loving, caring child, though the school makes me feel ashamed as if he's a juvenile delinquent. He's not gotten in fights (actually to the contrary, he's the one breaking them up), he doesn't bring weapons to school, he doesn't do drugs and has turned in classmates who have come to school with them. He gets decent grades though he is capable of straight As, yet he is always getting in trouble for something....usually reacting to something that has been done to him. He's teased about his size and is called names by other students...we've taught him to ignore the names because they re just words, however, we've learned this year that we should have taught him to be a tattle tale. He's been suspended twice already this year for ridiculous things (accused of saying something another child said, denied saying, but laughed at my son because he had to serve the suspension; second time was for calling a girl a whore...school actually contemplated charging him with sexual harassment) and now, we've just been notified tonight that we're looking at a third time because of the way our son reacted to being hit in the groin area by another student while walking down the hallway combined with expressing yesterday how he hated a fricking teacher....because the word another teacher heard sounded similar but is spelled differently. Because of our sons continuous issues, he's automatically guilty. It breaks my heart to know how this affects his self-esteem to always feel like he's in trouble. Let me top that off my a father who is quick to judge without truly understanding that the impulsiveness of our son's reactions cannot always be controlled....you would think that my husband of all people would understand.

Sorry for rambling, I've just spent the past two months crying myself to sleep because I feel like I'm failing my youngest son. I'm mortified when I have to go to the school and sick to my stomach every time they call my cell phone....I was so frustrated once I even answered the phone "what did he do now?" I feel like my son can't even breathe differently from the "normal" kids without getting in trouble. Breaks your heart when your child tries so hard and can't seem to catch a break. He's actually asked me why can't he be "normal", why can't he not take the medicine....and don't even get me started on "when am I going to get taller Mom?" He's endured negative comments about his size since elementary school...it's bad enough when it's coming from his peers, but when the teachers/adults make comments I just want to cry. THINK PEOPLE!!!! Recently he had a substitute teacher ask him why he was in the 8th grade hallway when he should be in the 6th grade hallway...really?!

He's a sweet, charismatic, good kid, I just wish that everyone could see the same kiddo that I do. Sure, does he have his moments? Name me one person who doesn't. Keeping all parents of children with special circumstances in my prayers. I had a co-worker tell me to find the gift that my son has to give and focus on that and not the daily non-sense I'm going thru with him. Most days I'm able to do this.....but there are times when I am just plain ol' worn out emotionally, tired, depressed, embarrassed, angry, frustrated, heartbroken....and ready to pull him out of the public school system and home school him....but that just sends my husband over the edge to think about losing my income even if it is to help our child....and there in starts the arguments and stress on the marriage.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!! I know I rambled, but needed to unload ..... And at least I'm in good company with parents who understand my struggles and pain.

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HI QFD wife,

You are truly in good company here and we all understand you perfectly. when we read each others' posts we nod and smile or cry or both! It's a shame our kids can't fit in and are in trouble all the time. It totally breaks their self esteem when they get blamed for things they didn't do or trivial things any other kid wouldn't be in trouble for. Like you, I dread the phone ringing and I know that sick feeling in the stomach oh-so-well. Although home schooling or any other way of life where they don't have to abide by strict rules and which is tailored to them sounds great, it makes me scared to think that they still have to lead their adult life out in the real world where no-one is going to make allowances or excuses for them. Worse still, they will be around drugs, alcohol and all sorts of potential disasters, not to mention relationships with girls. Teens are a difficult time! My son easily gets angry when someone calls him names or does something else to set him off. I'm scared he'll get into fights as a young man and someone will pull out a gun or a knife!

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Hello again. I am keeping you ALL in my prayers! Knowing I can come here and vent makes things a little easier. I hope you all feel that way too. I have had SUCH a struggle with my daughter's math teacher this year! She is a freshman in high school and taking Algebra I [after taking Pre-Alebra TWICE in middle school!]. She has a tutor too. She is still failing. There are too many assignments and too much "in class" work for her to keep up. By the 3rd week in she was 12 assignments behind! I have had to fight for every make up assignment, etc. even though she has a 504 plan. The teacher seems to only be able to teach round pegs that fit in round holes. My daughter is a square peg! She learns differently. She forgets A LOT. She does the work but forgets to turn it in. She even does the classwork and somehow it doesn't get turned in. She's failed every test even though she's studied and is ready. Very disheartening. She's getting As in the rest of her classes and those teachers are compassionate and seem to want to teach her. This math teacher just wants to run his class by the book. GAH!!! I've been on the phone with my daughter's school counselor every day. I feel like I'm standing in a room naked and no one sees me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for listening.

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We had similar problems with our son and a "seasonal" reaction, but it lasted from mid October until mid January. Not only was his ADD less controlled, he also got migraines with much more frequency. It turned out it was holiday eating habits. With Halloween festivities, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years hitting one after the other, his sugar intake was greatly increased. We didn't have much control as he is with his bio-dad every other week and treats at school abound. Finally he became so miserable with the headaches and subsequent vomitting that he has started policing himself and we don't have this problem anymore. It sounds like your issues might be different, but I wanted to at least offer this thought.

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tcforre said: Just found this site. Had to hop on the internet to find SOMEONE who could relate. My daughter is 8. I can't even go into all the "stuff" weighing on me....clearly all of you out there are dealing with very similar issues and I'll just say "ditto." I did want to throw one question out there. This is the third year in a row that I have noticed this....something about October seems to trigger a massive "setback" for my daughter. Every year -- the teachers start calling, the coaches start calling, her behavior at home becomes unbearable. Her meds (15mg Focalin) seem all wrong. If I give her the full dosage, she gets zombielike and starts picking at her skin. If I don't give it to her, the teachers are ready to strangle her. Has anyone else had experience with this? It's as if the change of seasons wreaks havoc on her. I don't know whether there's an allergy??? There's no sneezing, etc. Or a sensitivity to the light changes? But we go through this the latter half of every October -- and by mid-November she will likely "reset" and come out of it. But what is this??????

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I am also struggling! My son is 6 and has ADHD and ODD. These past two weeks at school have been terrible! He is not completing his work at school and he is being very defiant at school and at home. I'm at my wits end I get notes home everyday about his behavior. Does anyone out there have any advice for me?

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Have you had him evaluated? Defiance is hard to cure but there are plenty of books to teach you how to deal with it - it's more of your reaction to it rather than expecting it to go away!

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No he has not been evaluated for an IEP. He goes to a private school and I was told they do not have the funding to do it. I don't expect the defiance to just go away. I was just looking for suggestions from other parents on how they handle it.

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Here is my tuppence worth on handling defiance:

My son is 11 years old. Generally, whenever I ask him to do something, he's going to say no. So I try only to ask him to do things which are important, to minimize arguments. If it's not that important, I let it go. I'll ask later when he's in a good mood or not at all. This includes tidying his room etc.

With other things, then I'll ask him to do it e.g. start homework and if he says no then I'll say " Fine, but it doesn't look like you're going to get it done before football practice( can be any other commitment they have) and then you'll be tired afterwards. So perhaps you should really think about getting it done."

Then I leave it at that.

1. I've reminded him of the consequences of his decision (natural consequences; not rewards or punishments thought up by the parents)

1. I've left it in his hands

I've found that handing over responsibility and not getting worked up ( or at least not showing my anxiety) works well. Generally, he will think about what I said and ten to thirty minutes later he will start what he is supposed to be doing. With ADHD, you have to remind them of deadlines and natural consequences of not reaching that deadline. Also, hand over responsibility - they hate to feel they are being made to do something.!!!!!!!

With other stuff that makes him defiant, I'm also using the "Fine!" approach. As soon as I show him that I'm not going to get into an argument, things calm down. I'll walk away, go to another room, do something, make tea.... whatever. Later, he will comply but in his time. He usually apologizes too when he's had time to calm down. Then we share a hug and I show my appreciation for him being reasonable. When he's being nice I praise him and give affection. When he's being nasty, I leave him to it.

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I am new to this site but my 4 year old was diagnosed almost one year ago with ADHD, ODD and OCD. I thought I was the only one who felt overwhelmed and that things were out of control. Her father is not in the picture or shall we say regularly maybe once every 11 months or so. It makes me feel a little better that I am not the only one that is dealing with the same issues such as destroying property, ransacking her room and having disruptive behavior. I thought it was only me and that I was doing something wrong. I have learned so much in the little time I have joined.

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