I am so frustrated and upset right now I have no idea what to do. (long post ahead, if don't feel like reading skip to after the asteriks)

For a long time I suspected I might have ADHD but never wanted to cave into it, seeing it as an excuse. Talking to my therapist, I have changed my outlook, and seriously reconsidered the prospect. I've been seeing him for symptoms of depression (I am reluctant to say I am suffering from a mood disorder), and he once asked when I've felt most functional, and to be honest it was at times that I (illegally) obtained adderall.

It got me to thinking about all the dynamics of my symptoms, my locus of control, my anxiety, etc. I feel that all my life I have been considered lazy, disorganized, irresponsible, and I think the underlying factor to my "depression" and "anxiety" is lack of confidence in myself to be an adult. Right now I am in graduate school for counseling, and I feel like I am not up to the standards that's required of me, but know rationally that I am more than mentally capable. I've always gotten by in school by extensions, being a "special" case due to my depression, sympathy of professors, or because I was taking adderall. I've always been frustrated by this dissonance of wanting so badly to apply myself but not following through with actions, and disappointing everyone including myself for not doing so. There's a strong intent, I'll set aside days at a time, not spending time w/ family or friends, staying in on weekends, with the intent of doing schoolwork or any other responsibilities I had to tend to (from cleaning my room getting simple errands done etc) just to do a plethora of tedious activities and becoming engrossed in random subjects from cooking to theology. Also, one of my good friends who I have always related to on these kind of things (he's on his 9th year as an undergraduate student but has an absolutely brilliant mind) told me he got diagnosed with ADHD, and with his treatment he feels better than he's ever felt before, and that it has helped him tremendously.

Anyway. My therapist recommended I see a psychiatrist to discuss medication. For anti-depressants or adderall. Because therapy was really going nowhere without me being able to follow through with the CBT techniques he was trying to incorporate. Since I only have bare bones school insurance, I booked an appointment with the local hospital's behavioral outpatient clinic, so I could use charity care. Which is a pain. I had to schedule an appointment for a month later just for an intake, then another month after that for the actual psychiatric evaluation. **********************************

So a week ago I finally went in to see the psychiatrist. He asked me mainly about my mental health history, which consists of seeing a number of therapists for "depression", and some questions about my sleeping habits. He then started talking about anti-depressants, but I interjected that I was feeling reluctant about anti-depressants and was wondering about an evaluation for ADHD. I told him I had been on adderall in the past and it worked well for me, and he for some reason told me that the reason adderall was created was to keep soldiers awake who had to man posts all night. Then said I didn't show any symptoms for ADD (though I hardly talked about my current state), and that prescribing adderall was counterproductive in treating someone with sleep problems and anxiety (which I had read is often co-morbid with ADHD). I felt like he was trying to pigeonhole me before I even got to elaborate on my problem. When I discussed my sleeping habits, I talked about how I get engaged in trivial things all night, and always feel the need to be stimulated, and he literally put the words in my mouth that I had "racing thoughts" even though I was reluctant to call it that. Then as I tried to explain why I thought I might have ADHD, I started talking about my performance in school in the past, and he said some people get depressed over not being intellectually equipped to deal with the demands of school, or something to that extent. He started badgering me about what my GPA was in high school, which I said I couldn't remember, with him responding gruffly "How can you not remember your GPA??" (I was in honors and AP courses but failed out of some, and got anything from an A to a D in others).

Eventually, he said he could prescribe Adderall to me, since I said it has worked for me in the past. But he really made it seem like I was twisting his arm. And I didn't come in just to get adderall, I wanted to see what treatment options were available, but he didn't seem knowledgeable about ADHD whatsoever, or even think that it exists.

Part of the reason I was looking forward to the psych appointment was to get some validation, that maybe I'm not just pathetically incompetent. I feel like that is what depresses me and makes me anxious. When I read other people's accounts with ADHD, I feel like I'm reading my life story. But my visit with the psychiatrist just reinforced that I'm buying into an illusion to excuse my flaws.

I know I should look into seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD, but my insurance makes everything such an ordeal. I only have bare-bones insurance (where I pay out of pocket and they reimburse you some minimal amount) that I bought through the school, and right now just finding someone to give me medical clearance for Adderall is cumbersome. I'm jumping through hoops trying to figure out who my insurance will cover and how much, and it seems I might have to drop hundreds of dollars in order to do so still. I'm afraid to see what the benefits are of seeing a specialized psychiatrist.

I had to ask for incompletes for all my classes last semester, and struggling to juggle my current summer course, while trying to sort out all these mental/emotional issues. I can't take a break, because my parents are paying for me to live by the school to attend full-time, and I'm afraid that I'm just going to end up failing out and my whole career will go down the drain. I feel like I'm drowning, and have no control, and don't feel equipped to deal with any of this.

Sorry for such a long post, I hope it doesn't deter anyone from reading it, because I could really use some input from people who are knowledgeable about ADHD. Explaining why I can't do the things I need to do when I need to do them is embarrassing and futile when I try to explain it to most friends and family. Who knows, maybe the psychiatrist is right, maybe I'm just kidding myself.

Quote