I am a tad slow but not stupid. Life = Faith, Patterns, Probabilities, and Linkages

I am sorry for the lack of organization of the below - this task is not a priority.

Summary ========

Life is so very precious and beautiful.

I see things as black and white, right or wrong. Very rarely do I see something as gray and then only momentarily.

From a Beach Boys song - "So be true to your school now Just like you would be to your girl or guy" I have been true to girl friends and my wife. I guess I yearn for a time of honor and chivalry. Have I ever done wrong to someone - sure I am human, but it is still wrong.

Plato stated that man is a social animal. Even I to a degree am a social animal. I just am outside leaning against the glass looking inward at the party. This is even more true when I am the host.

Problems can be viewed as challenges, challenges as opportunities.

A poem I wrote back in '82 it is still me. It was written - signature 1st, then body, and then title. The name I put is not quite right as the "r" should be long and guttural.

A Circle Completed

Into the Valley of Sand they marched, Mighty men were they. Forward seemly without effort. They were alive, but dreamt not. And one dreamt, he dreamt of a void, a void of blue. Now, in this reality it is hard to remember as sights and sounds distract. In moments brief he remembers the battle. For even here there are reminders, tears like drops of silver fall. The fabric is distorted and unbearable. A child smiles, a promise of tomorrow.

I Live, Kasharin

Physiological Testing =============

94% Visual (better on 1 min. vs. 2 min) 35 and 45% Auditory

Reading Comprehension - Jr. in College - no misses Spelling 10 grade - we started at college and went backwards to shorten test. A couple of guesses got me 10th grade level so 8th or 9th may be likely. But the real problem is when I write and no spell checker. Reading out-loud - broken (short pauses to find even simple words), but at an acceptable level. Copping skills - excellent.

Symptoms =======

1. Can't sit still - always pacing. Even a 1/2 tablet of a tranquilizer (i.e. Dramamine) and I will climb the walls - hyperactive to the extreme. Adderall XR is a big help.

2. No focus or extreme focus - Adderall levels this out.

3. Spelling and word order difficulty (far worse at spelling if I am writing as opposed to reading a word) - no help from Adderall. Have not had problems with letters being reversed since 3rd grade, more of a sequencing issue.

4. Strong recall ability but very slow (seconds to decades) - some, but minimal improvement with Adderall and this was/is as big a problem as my focus.

5. Struggle with remembering people's names (women I will try to associate with a song - sometimes helps)

6. My wife says something (i.e. IF .... I likely will say out loud or to myself "If a picture paints a thousand words then...")

7. Having dinner with friends at our house - I can destroy the saying of Grace - saying at the wrong time or very broken with long pauses or just totally messed up. I am ok if it is planned an my wife tells me when to say it - only she better not add remember X's child is sick...

8. Grocery lists - 3 items I can remember fast, more maybe if I categories them (i.e. Fruit - bananas and apples, Refrigerated - Milk and Orange Juice) - but can be no more than 3 categories and no more than 2 items in a category. If the list is 4 to 5 items I can recall, but each item the recall will be in the 5 to 120 sec. range as I walk up and down the aliases waiting for a key. My memory recall is fast when keys are used - sequential is slow to very slow. Music, math equations, math sequences are the best keys.

9. Eating out with friends - an example my wife kicks me. In front of the friends I as what I did wrong. I then ask how can I learn if you don't tell me what I did wrong. I am totally confused by my wife's expression. On the way home she says I embarrassed her and that I was eating a little to fast. I was proud at this dinner in that I was doing something new - actually making small talk. I told her she should have told me to slow down - no big deal. The next morning I realize why she was really made - I usually keep my mouth shut except to start a conversation - then don't participate or that will be the only conversation I allow.

10. Switching between detail view and big picture view of a subject - very hard - I need to pause my brain. Adderall helps this a lot.

11. Confidence in my abilities - Adderall helps this.

12. Good with animals

13. Hard to get excited - can count on less than two hands the number of times (i.e. Wife's water broke, my team handing UT it's worst lose and the biggest win for my college team, dad's offer of music lessons). I have even had bosses comment on my lack of excitability - a problem I guess.

14. Before Adderall would fall asleep and droll in meetings and church. But could tell you for the next hour what was discussed in detail. Even when put under for surgery I am slow to go under and quick to recover and my come out fight even at my age.

15. Always thinking about how I think and planning what to say or do. If i do stop for a moment music plays in my head. I have to concentrate in order to listen to the birds outside sing. Adderall stops the music - or was. This was very disorienting at first.

16. Words are important - and I often make mistakes with them - very frustrating

17. See things/issues as black and white, right and wrong - no gray.

18. In Jr. High no one could out stare me

19. When really frustrated I can tighten my neck muscles and rapidly vibrate my head (very hard to do when taking Adderall and that is good)

20. In High School - I sang to my self (over and over and over again) - Impossible Dream and could/can not carry a tune. I played Stravinsky's Rite of Spring over and over on all the swim trips (I was a swimmer). I got rewarded with beds of crackers and once a bed of live crickets. I fit in real well - not.

21. A bit of a kluz with amazing recoveries. Only time I felt graceful was when classical music was playing.

22. Can listen to a single song or music piece for hours, or sing (can't carry a tune) - examples: Impossible Dream, On the Blue Danube, As Tears go By. Since taking Adderall 6 months ago my music Favorites have gone from 6 to 45 songs/pieces. But now I always have headphones in my ears as the music does not often play in my head - a problem for my wife.

23. Before Adderall I was told I had the patience of Job - still better than most folks I know I am far less patience now. Actually, this is a plus as I put up with to much junk from others.

My Downsides to Adderall ================

1. I keep having to up the does - started at 5mg now at 20 mg. 2. Hard to focus on swimming (I am a master swimmer) 3. Ear phone in my head to compensate for the lack of music in my head 4. Have I wasted my life - I am capable of so much more. But at 57 with a great job and mortgage ... I feel trapped. No, I have raised a family and I did a good job. But where do I go from here ...? 5. Sometimes I crash in the afternoon 6. Hard to get up many mornings, likely because it is hard to go to sleep 7. Weight gain - I am sitting still and doing my job (not getting up every few minutes) and find focusing on exercise harder.

Improvement in my Mental ability over time ===========================

0. 4th Grade - learn which foot to put my shoes/boots on. In third grade I would often go to class with the shoes on the wrong feet and not notice until my feet hurt.

1. Late 20s - can remember dates by converting them to math equations or sequences even long ones - immediate long term storage. I no longer forget how to spell my first name "Daniel".

2. Mid 30s - developing ability to look upward at the big picture not just looking downward to see details and patterns

3. Late 30's - Middle English no longer dominates - Modern English more natural

4. Mid 40's - Can recognize similarly spelled words out of context (i.e. Physical, Physiological)

5. Jan. 29, 2010 - I know my right from my left (this is a very big deal to me as I no longer must think what hand I write with). I asked my wife what side of the place setting goes the fork - "left". I also now can remember dates without spending a month of repeating the date 100x/day for a month. Equations are still more reliable.

6. A few months ago a toddler next door waved good-bye to me as a child waves. I waved back as a child would wave. Boy, do I remember wanting to be able to wave like the other kids when I was 5 years old, but settled on waving like an American Indian - hand across the chest.

I have been very fortunate in life. =====================

Thrice my grandmother was in part or whole my savior (before born, as a preemie, and as a young child). She also taught me to love life (so precious) and to do that which was hard not what was easy. I was illegitimate and my mom had completed 3 yrs of college (at Berkley when she became pregnant). My mom's mother told her to come home. I was born 6 wks early and the doctor did not give much hope. Two stories - baptized, or baptized and given last rites. My grandmother was a nurse and lived at the hospital - she took over my care for the next month spending 16 to 20 hrs per day with me (talking, feeding, and adjusting my air/o2). At age 2 my mom brought me into the hospital with a 105+ fever. They never figured out what was wrong, but with the exception of 1 week I ran very high fevers requiring weekly ice baths and regular injections of penicillin for the next 2 years. Actually, what I remember is them putting plastic over me and me begging (don't remember the ice). I also remember my grandmother teaching me to give myself injections (practiced on oranges) and I often went to work with her when fever approached critical levels. My grandmother would also take me to the park to watch kids play in the wading pool. I would picture them doing somersaults off the cabana into the wading pool. Summer nights we would go to the amphitheater listen to the wondrous music. The orchestra would turn down the light for one melody and the stars above would be so thick as to look like wispy cloud, and the smell of pine was strong - Perfection. My mom marred and we moved overseas (north Africa) the fever had left me. My first years of school I missed half the days due to sinus problems. Learned to swim in the Mediterranean sea, climbed on ancient ruins, and had my tonsils out on the isle of Malta. I was a slow reader until I checked out from the school library against my teacher wishes - "King Aurthur and the Knight of the Round Table" written in middle English. I struggled with the 1st chapter but determined to prove the teacher wrong. Then I realized that I did not need to be able to say the words just understand them and what name went with whom. The sentence structure was much easier than the formal structure in modern English - 2nd grade. On Malta British sailors taught me chess (2nd grader) and a difference between men and women. They gave me red hots and told me to droll and complain of a sore throat. The nurse, and my mom wanted to throw me into the harbor, but the sailors, doctor and I thought it funny. I enjoyed listening to the Scots when the played their bagpipes and would go outside to listen, I think our villa was the only one they stopped at to play a song/melody.

We came back to the states - my dream turned into a night mare. No friends and nothing to explore. I did well in math, but was always sent to the office for a paddling (talking during English and Music). The kids called me spastomatic. It hurt but I never got mad. It is/was hard for me to get mad or excited. In 5th grade my dad wanted to know if I was interested in music. My dad says this was one of a very few times he saw me get excited - I said bagpipes. But neither pipes or the piano were to be as the costs were to high. We moved to Midland, Tx - Jr. High the kids were mean to me and some teachers made me sit on my hands (i.e. English). I now was scoring in reading comprehension in the 60 percentile, spell and grammar were poor. I ended up for a short time in remedial English (there were some smart kids in the class and some very stupid ones). Fortunately, it was right after lunch so I could cram the spelling just be for taking a test (words would be lost 1 hr later). I now know that if I write the words I can remember them somewhat longer - wish I had known that then. I would take a bad grade (other than F) so as not to get up in front of the class. By the end of HS I scored in the top 2% of kids going to College in reading comprehension and in the bottom 14% in vocabulary. I was always in the top 10-20% in math and science on standarized test (sometimes even the top 5%). I almost always had one or two friends but never fit into any groups. I could not keep time to music, without closing everything else out of my mind and that assumes a simple beat. My keeping time looks like the LED displays on an equalizer.

I went to college, change my major from zoology to business as I could not in 4 yrs complete 2 yrs of foreign language. I actually, got a B in English composition as the Professor said he ignored the college standards on grammer and spelling because he had never seen anyone organize papers as well as I. In the real world he said I could get someone to review my work. I became a friend of a Chemistry professor who did not care for undergraduates and had some of the same language problems as I - could not recall words quickly. He told me when teaching if he could not recall a word he would just say something that everyone knew was wrong and that way he kept the class's attention (300+ students). He challenged me on a departmental final to make the highest grade and he would give me an A. I had blown the 1st test that semester. I walked into the test and looked at the questions and knew the answers, references in the books, discussions in other classes - my mind was correlating past learning instantly. I tied for the highest grade out of 2000+ students and got an A. About once a year my mind would work real well for 1/2 to an 1 hr. I never found the key - classical music may be a catalyst but not a key. That type experience even happened once in Spanish 1 in college - I was dominating all the professors questions (so so easy). The last time was a few months ago after taking Adderall by mistake prior to going to sleep for the night. There also have been times when my mind would lock up - repeat a tune or in rare cases a phrase over and over and over again at an ever increasing frequency. The last time was 16yr ago.

I became a computer programmer and got my MBA. I still work as an engineer. I am 57 now and my brain function is still improving. I have been taking Adderall for 6 months in ever increasing dosages (now 20mg XR).

I have only met 3 people in my life that I remember for conversations:

1. My Grandmother (Mom's mom)

2. Chemistry professor (in his 60's) when I was an undergrad (even when a business major) we talked. He had similar language problems.

3. A old money girl (High Society) - that would talk about a subject to its logical conclusion before moving to the next subject. We connected. She was knock down drop dead gorgeous and from an Old historic wealthy American family. She had plans. I forgot her as I knew I would never fit into her families High Society world. Only recently did I remember her (being hit with a base ball bat would have been gentler). My mind told me it had only been days but I knew it had been close to 30 yrs (26.75). Later, I remembered my best friend talking of her in the wrong person and though he must really like this girl, and a girl that I thought was weird talking to me as if she knew me and I had never seen her. I don't forget things. A friend mentioned that his memory from the 80's was fragments - this makes little sense to me (why allow for fragments - invent something if nothing else).

I guess I don't understand people, or at least most. Animals are simpler to understand, or they were even 10 years ago.

Thoughts ======

Are we humans not just correlation engines. Example: Relationship of Music and Economic. Economics - allocation of scare resources. Supply vs. Demand. So from a child's view - the Ice Cream Truck, the Daworf in Snowwhite whistle while they work.

Patterns within patterns within patterns Circles within circles Ever ending Never ending

"Over and over and over again." Help - what song does this belong to so I can put it to sleep.

"It twas upon a dark and stormy night when the captain said to his 1st mate, Alfonso, 'Tell me a story'. And then and there he began. It twas upon a dark ..."

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