I have gone through similar issues. My former husband was quite comfortable avoiding working on issues that plagued him; avoidance was and is a way of life for him (he already had two failed marriages and four children he left behind). I do believe it was far easier for him to believe that our issues were because of my depression and anxiety (a diagnosis of ADD came after our divorce, as a result of my desire to understand what makes me tick). A falloff of sex in our marriage happened too, especially after our son was born. I worked 3/4 time, and took a full-time equivalent load of college coursework to finish a degree I had started 20 years before. I was bushed! He chose to experience it as rejection, and nothing short of more sex would/could convince him otherwise.

My journey began after having dealt with serious depressive episodes, with postpartum depression the impetus to do something about it. My fear/anxiety about doing something that could hurt my child was enough to get me off my butt. While I knew it would never be an intentional act, the enormous fatigue left me feeling a bit unhinged. It was the best and most humbling thing I have ever done -- to walk into my doctor's office and tell her my fears. It was a start. Getting meds and talk therapy started my journey to understand my depression and anxiety. It also allowed me to work toward feeling good and strong about myself. That contributed to the downfall of my marriage as well, when it came to a point that my husband no longer felt himself to be the center of my universe. After 20 years together, it was time to find someone new and shiny to stroke his ego (on to number 4!!).

Our son has ADHD. Needing to learn about it in order to parent him was my window into the possibility of having ADD myself. While it isn't easy to parse out which part causes more issues...the ADD, the depression or the anxiety...understanding that all of them are often experienced by people with ADD has helped me make sense of my life in ways I never have before. I'm still working to be healthy and whole; I figure it will be a lifetime of learning and working on it.

I will always wish my former husband would have been willing to work on his own issues while remaining in our marriage; however, I stopped hoping and focused on what I could do for me. When he avoided and ran away (again!), it was not surprising. He once again left a wake of destruction that he has yet to accept responsibility for. I seriously doubt he ever will. It's just easier, I guess, to lay the blame at my feet and call me a psycho. I know, however, that I am far better for having done the hard work, and know there's more to be done.

So please, continue to focus on your own health. Your wife may or may not choose to do so for herself. You can't make her. While she may want to have a trial separation with the idea of reconciliation, it can work only if you individually address the issues that affect you; perhaps then you will be able to work together to rebuild the marriage. Remain true to yourself.

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Elguerro,

My marriage is in a similar state, though it was me that ceased intimacy. I took this step because I felt unsafe in the relationship.

My wife's behaviour towards me has been psychologically abusive for the larger part of our marriage. In December 2007 I started seeing a counsellor to help me cope with deep depression. The counsellor had advised me to prepare for separation and to learn to be more assertive with her. It was his opinion that my wife was suffering from a personality disorder of her own. I knew that she would never see a counsellor as she hated me going, particularly when I started being more assertive. My wife accused me of abusing her (funny how things get turned round), but I knew that I was just being politely assertive. Our relationship hit rock bottom but at least I felt that I was working on my own issues and learning to manage them better and it was nice to put an end to some of the abuse.

Not long after I finished my therapy in April / May 2008 I was diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, all of which were rated as severe at the time. This came as a hammer blow to my new-found self-esteem. My wife found a certain amount of vindication in the diagnosis as she could blame some of our woes on on ADHD and to be honest I let her. Some of the abuse crept back, but I managed to keep most of my new boundaries. An uneasy peace was established.

My wife has a tendency to explode with seemingly little or no provocation. About six months ago she exploded at me in a particularly spectacular way and in her anger committed a significant breach of trust. At the time it was terrifying. However her reaction to such an insignificant incident was so extreme that as soon as I managed to calm down I was able to see it for what it was. It was a major turning point.

It was at this point that I unilaterally withdrew from intimacy. I couldn't trust her, I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable with her and so intimacy was out of the question. I made it clear that she needed to deal with her anger before I would be able to trust her again. Naturally there were protests but we have stayed together though it has been only just. Occasionally she will admit she has a problem but doesn't do anything to sort it out. Most of the time she tries to carry on as if nothing had happened. During these times she tries to blame my ADHD / Depression / Anxiety. But I've worked hard with my professional carers to manage these conditions using a multi-modal approach (drugs, diet, exercise, therapy etc). For the time-being at least I'm free of depression and anxiety. Consequently the attacks don't wash. Ironically in an attempt to save our relationship I had invested heavily into self-improvement as a response to her criticism of my behaviour. BUT I have owned my impairments taking full responsibility for them.

The point is this. I took responsibility: I owned up to my issues and faced them and dealt with them. As a result I grew in maturity and self awareness. It makes it a lot easier to deal with a wife who is being plainly unreasonable. I have such a wonderful sense of self-empowerment, confidence, belief, worth etc and an overarching feeling of peace with myself, it's truly fantastic. This has spilt over into other areas of my life and I'm beginning to see a real prosperity happening. Ok my marriage isn't fantastic and I'm still not being intimate - BUT - I'm OK. I still have ADHD - but I manage most of the negative stuff most of the time and have started to build on my strengths. Because I'm calmer it actually makes it more possible for the marriage to succeed BUT if it doesn't it won't be my fault.

She threatened to walk out on me last week in another of her rages. I told her that I wished she would because it would at least be some action on her part. She immediately apologised - her bluff had been called.

You can't fight unreasonableness with unreasonableness. If you know you've done all you can to work on your condition and will do whatever it takes to get right and she's still saying "It's your ADHD" you know it's not reasonable.

I wish you all the best as you work on this. It can be done.

Regards

CTBR

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I too am a spouse of an ADD'er who is at wits end. Though Mr. has agreed to seek out counseling and medication, the dealings with ADD have greatly contributed to my anxiety and depression. And as a person who has mastered the art of 'fight or flight', my decision not to flight has expanded my anxiety to the point of a great many body function mishaps (migraines, ulcers, panic attacks, lack of sleep, etc). So while I feel ya on the fact that both parties probably need to seek out counseling, separation 'for me' for a while doesn't sound like such a horrible idea. As I have actually attended several rounds of counseling sessions with two different counselors, both have come to the same conclusion that I already suspected; my ADD partner is the main reason why all these symptoms are occurring. So like one of the other respondents has said already, you take care of you and don't worry about her so much right now. Your getting help will help her greatly.

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I am in exactly the same boat, except I haven't found the next contract yet. The only thing that is keeping her from booting me and my ADD to the curb is that we don't have the finances to support living separately.

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There is a dating site for people with ADHD. addultpartner.com

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