It sounds like there is more than just ADHD going on here. Assuming and hoping you are at least 18, that makes her 37, and despite a recent diagnosis, this is something she has had plenty of time to deal with (most symptoms begin at around age 7). Some of us do somehow get through most of life without a diagnosis or significant problems, but you describe things that sound like a person who is not just symptomatic with a treatable condition, but is somehow creating an environment and life which not only holds her and her child back, but also places her in danger, and doesn't require her to take responsibility. I wonder if she tends to purposely find men who put up with this behavior, or feel as though they can "save" her, or otherwise. It sounds as though her family has enabled this behavior for some time, and they are wise to keep the house out of her name! My concern is thar she was perhaps misdiagnosed: you say that since her diagnosis she has had increased energy, increased risk-taking behaviors, and that you are having trouble getting her to slow it down. Some of the ways you describe her previous behavior lead me to feel that she was struggling with a depressive mood disorder; and that, coupled with the recent changes- along with her history of sleep problems, and some of the classic "ADHD" symptoms of impulsivity, hyperactivity, lack of focus, etc.-start to look a lot like bipolar disorder. The two disorders share several overlapping features and are frequently mis-diagnosed. If she has been prescribed a stimulant medication, this could exacberate any manic symptoms, or send her into such an episode. I would also be concerned that she abusing her medications- the behavior you describe is reminiscent of that of an addict. As there is little actual help I can provide by further "guessing" at what is happening, I will suggest that you notify her Psychiatrist (who I assume is prescribing her meds, if not, she needs to find one- a primary care doctor is fine once diagnosis is clarified, but I don't believe that's the case here), and also inform her therapist. Unless she has signed a form consenting to allow you to be part of her treatment it is not likely that either provider will want to speak with you, but you can always let them know you only wish to provide info to them. You owe it to her, and her daughter to get her the proper treatment. There are many possibilities of what may be going on here- but something isn't working. I'm not sure what your motivation is for being in this relationship, but if you intend to make it work, perhaps printing this out and showing it to her- then together taking it to her provider(s) would be the most open and honest thing to do. Someone has to begin to model what appropriate adult behavior- especially in a relationship- looks like. Remember, having ADHD, bipolar, whatever, doesn't give one the right to mistreat others. Good luck to you both; I will be sending positive vibes your way.

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Thank you Rumplesolsken for the input. Although I know for the most part until she starts therapy another perspective helps me make sense out of everything. To see what others make of it, try to see through the mess to try to find her in all of it, and see as a check on myself to make sure I'm not getting controlling and unreasonable. And vent a little. I may be repeating myself a bit here. She does exist in an environment where she does not have to take on too much responsibility and unfortunately there is little I can do to change that. At one point we were talking about looking towards moving in together, or more I brought it up with her, and she accused me of not thinking of her daughter. That she doesn't have to pay rent. That she is not giving up her house. (Owned by the estate.) Again I could speculate that it might be her fear of failure and she is clinging to what she can control, fear that we would fail or just a desire to keep what responsibilities she does have to what they are. For the most part I've also been unsuccessful getting her with or without her daughter to join me for any of my family's parties. She says her mother wouldn't come either. We've been together six years and our mothers have never met! She hasn't started on meds yet since the doctor that diagnosed her wanted her to go to a program for her drinking first. She missed her appointment with the new psychiatrist so we have to wait another week. You do also get me wondering as to co-morbid conditions as, from what I understand, late diagnosis ADD usually doesn't come along by itself. Perhaps hypomania? This behavior has escalated over the course of the past year before ADD was really much of a thought. Right now speculation is futile and she does seem to be heavily stressed constantly and that she doesn't talk to me about whats going on inside her head or want seem to be very receptive to anything I say as to things she can do to manage her stress . . . . It seems to be her daughter, her mom and her friend and I don't know where I fit in anymore. A discussion we definitely need to have if we ever get time alone. Also need to ask her if she resents me or is afraid that I started off the year trying to clear the air and get us talking about our future. Perhaps the present was all that she feels capable of handling right now. In trying to get her to slow down she told me I could pick her up from her friends (after she jumped to suggesting we spend time apart. My agreement brought about her decision to compromise.) but that lasted about a week. Next she decided since she couldn't do that she would only go out twice a month. Still haven't seen that happen. She then tells me we don't go out, we don't do anything yet on those weekends that she isn't passed out she wants to stay in! Then its either we're with her mom and/or her daughter. Or she is asleep. On the Fridays that she goes to her friends I don't go over. If she is passed out on Saturday I leave. I want to be there for her, spend time with her but . . . and I don't know if this is pushing us further apart.

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