I just registered to basically write the same post about my 8 yr. old. I don't have any solutions, but now at least we know we are not alone. I finally called for references for some counseling for myself. I have to have support for my son's sake and mine. The saddest part of it (which I'm sure you know) is that Dad's lack of understanding undermines their father-son relationship. The one thing I do know is you have to meet your needs in order to be able to meet anyone elses. I also find this site informational and supportive. I wish you success in your family's journey with attention deficit.

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My oldest DS is 12, (we have 4 kiddos) and was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7. It's been quite an ongoing journey/battle for all of us. I have also felt frustration at my spouse's lack of willingness to educate himself or participate in family counseling, training etc... He expects me to be the researcher and teach him. The only problem with this is, he doesn't always believe what I'm trying to tell him and is very resistant. I've found that I've become THE ADVOCATE for our son. I make and go to all the appts. and make the major decisions re:the ADHD. I feel that my husband's parenting is really harsh and sometimes not appropriate to our childrens needs. I think most of the reason for this lack of participation is really denial. I think my husband figures he can't be held accountable for what he doesn't know. I applaud parents that get counseling and build resources for themselves from friends, family, and others outside the household. I think it would help so much if my husband knew other men with ADHD children that he could talk to. Good luck to us all!

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Seems like most of the struggle gets put on us "moms". I'm in the same boat. We have multiple children & the youngest (9 year old girl) sucks all the oxygen out of the room!!! Seriously. While my husband SEES it and the sisters complain, shun, shut out, sympathize.....husband is not on the same page. Our inconsistency - in my opinion - is a huge factor. our inconsistency in discipline, rules, diet.....all of it is a factor creating yet additional stress. I'm in your boat & the sails not up here either. Frustrating - absolutely! My daughter is NOT on medication; husband is not a "fan".....nor am I; however, he balks on even having her evaluated at the pediatrition. NOW, I've finally had ENOUGH and like the person in these posts decided I AM the advocate and will just do it. The disruption to the family, the effect on the sisters, our relationship is too much.....I can't take anymore. I am praying that my dr. will do something besides give us the typical 10 minute appt with a script! I would like to go in armed with some facts & rule out medical issues. I have no answer for you - other than that like the others....WE MOMS are likely going to be the champions...........aren't we always?

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I am a dad of an ADHD boy (8 yrs old) and I understand where your husband is coming from because that USED to be me! We have recently found out the my son has ADHD ( and so do I!) and I now realize that I had been very unfair to my son....but in my defense (and hopefully your husbands) I thought my boy was just not trying at anything that he did. I had always told him that if he put effort into something I don;t care if he is the greatest or gets all A's as long as he was trying his best. It appeared to me (as it does to most people that are ignorant of the ADHD signs) that he simply wasn't even trying at just about anything and that made me pretty angry.

I now know that his school and home struggles with attention seeking, interupting and just generally (seemingly) going out of his way to drive everyone nuts is a mental condition. To make matters worse my own impatience from my ADHD struggles made us butt heads a lot.

Anyway, once he was properly diagnosed I felt it was only fitting that I give my son a heartfelt apology (I'm even tearing up a little right now lol!). I was only trying to get the best out of him, but I realize that I must have seemed like a tyrant that just didn't care to understand. I love my son with all my heart and I never would have tried to push him so hard if I knew there was a medical reason for his struggles, but I have to admit that I am quick to become impatient when I feel that someone is just being lazy.

I guess what I'm saying is try not to be too hard on your husband. It took me a while to learn that "tough love" is NOT an effective strategy with an ADHD child. I don't know your husband, but i'm sure as his denial goes away (yes, I was in denial when my wife first mentioned that my son may have a problem/ maybe its a guy thing?) he will realize that he needs to be there for his child, and you! I hope everything works out for you and your family and god bless!

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I too have a husband who does not understand ADHD. My son is just about to turn 7 and was diagnosed with ADHD at 5. The difference I have is my husband babies our son and validates his behavior because he is just like him. My son does take Concerta--which my husband hates and thinks all the ADHD symptoms are due to the Concerta. He thinks he is normal without the meds and has a problem because he is on them. No one can understand why he does not see the real situation--I feel it is because my husband also has ADHD and was never diagnosed so thinks it is normal to not sit still and act crazy. He blames everyone on my sons behavior. He is bored or the teacher is too old or the teacher just does not engage him . It makes me want to scream because we are always fighting on the subject. It is like talking to wall. The good thing is my son has a voice. It was my son ( remember he is 6 and in first grade) that whet to my husband and told him " Daddy I need to take the medication it helps me in school. It helps me calm down, follow directions, and not annoy anyone. It helps me to be one of the crowd rather then the one who stands out and gets blamed for everything" He went to him in tears because my husband told our son that he does not need medication it is a crutch and he is better then that. SO my son went to school no meds and was in trouble --well not trouble because the teache rknows the situation but he missed recess and was annoying his friends and he missed out on fun all because of his father forbidding him to take meds. When my son came to me; I told him he is allowed to take them and it is not up to his father to decide this. He then went to his father and told him this is how it is going to be because he wanted to succeed.

So this leads to my only advice I can give-BELIEVE and Listen Really Listen to what your child has to say. Hear what he tells you , read between the lines and be his/her voice until he has his own. Our jobs as parents is to guide our children. I talk openly with my child and point out the differences the bad and the good. There are a ton of advantages of having AHDH unfortunately the road to get there is rough and curving and full of holes so do your best and push forward . When your child sees you fight for him he will learn to fight for what he believes in too. BTW I have ADHD it took me a while to realize I had to fight for what I wanted and my mother does not understand she too has a rough time with my son (as she did with me) and that is OK because my son has me and he will succeed. For every tear I shed he will not have to. Having ADHD myself helps me with my son because I can relate to what he feels and this allows me to guide him. With mys husband I just hope one day he will see the truth and learn about ADHD because if he doesn't he is going to miss out on his son and this is unfortunate for him.

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My husband was the same when raising our daughters. He helped our daughter remember to take her medicine; however, that was it. He was not "plugged in" to her challenges and struggles. However, I was "plugged in" and I made sure that I was knowledgeable about as much as possible. Interestingly, my husband watched my parenting skills with our daughter, and he learned vicariously through me. I never criticized or nagged him....I just modeled the best parenting that I could....and later, after our daughter had graduated from high school and started college he admitted that he had done some reading and learning about ADD. Turns out that he has ADD...and his reluctance to be a part of her struggles was part of his own denial of his own diagnosis. I do not know if my story will make any difference to you...but please know that there is a lot of support for you and your son....and for your husband....

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I am reading my life story in the entries above. I too feel I am alone in dealing with my son's ADHD, but I can see I am not alone with all the other entries. My son was diagnosed at age 7 and is 15 now. We are surviving the teenage years, but he is a good kid despite his academic challenges. I have been the one to spend time reading about ADHD, attending seminars in trying to understand what was going on and how to help, and getting the diagnosis. My husband was willing to have the pediatrician evaluate him, but didn't want to really learn anything about it. despite all the information around the house. He has waffled between saying he would probably be diagnosed as ADHD himself to adamantly denying that he had it. I decided early on that I only had enough energy to help my son, and tried to model good behavior in dealing with my son. I am usually the one that interacted with the teachers (and the not so good phone calls), setting consequences and enforcing them, setting homework time and trying to keep it going (probably our biggest struggles), and trying to get everyone to keep up the household. I don't claim to have done it all very well (there have been a lot of tears), and it has been hard on me to the point of some intermittent depression and feeling like a failed parent. But, the hard work is paying off. My husband has participated mostly by doing fun things with him like scouts, teaching him about guns (and safety) and spending time at the range, and some vacations. I don't expect that he will come around to grasping the issues I see, but I don't regret anything I did for my son or any of the frustrations I have had to endure. He is a great kid and he will find his own path that I hope I have set a good course for. For those of you with younger kids, hang in there and do what you can because you are the best advocate for your ADHD child and that is what they really need.

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I too, have a husband who isn't interested in learning anything about ADHD, OR ODD. Both our sons struggle with ADHD and the youngest with ODD has well. They are 8 and 12. Both are on medication. I have went through so many battles with the schools, denials of IEP'S. Begging my husband for help and support. I'm not strong be any means, I've struggled with depression all my life, and the battles with the schools to get the kids what they need is taken a great toll on me. I have yet another meeting today with the school about my 12 year old, to finally write a 504 plan, only to have my 12 year old say everything I'd like to try in the way of accommodations he doesn't want, that he''ll be with the slow kids, he is very smart, only struggles with homework, getting it, finding it, doing it, and turning it in, and well anyways, I',m going to this meeting alone yet again, praying and hoping I'm doing the right things for him and that I won't fall apart like I did in the last meeting, leaving in tears, unable to speak. My marriage is in ruins, my resentment of my husband for not being there with me and for me and the kids. I just don't know what to do.

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