My 12 year old daughter has not been diagnosed with ADD yet but I have a feeling due to the fact that I struggle with this dissorder myself. I have the exhausting arguments with her about any responsibility. She's actually turned into a puddle on the floor over cleaning out the dish washer. I can remember being asked to do a task when I was her age and feeling so overwhelmed even over something as simple as putting dishes away, in fact I still have this issue, although I don't usually throw a tantrum. When you start the 10 to 15 minute task of putting the dishes away you're fine for the first minute, then you grab a glass and for a few moments you stair off with glass in hand, then you'll snap out of it and have to remember what you were just doing . By the time you're done with your poorly finished job a half hour has passed. In my daughters case it will take her an entire hour to do a task that should have only taken 10 minutes.

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Boy, do I hear you on this one. I have always been baffled why a simple chore request ends up in a colossal fight and debate worthy of defense attorney status. When I was young I dusted, vacuumed, as well as many other chores because it is what all of us kids did. There was no way around it, we all knew it was expected and we just did it. Where and when did getting your kids to perform a chore become such a chore. Whenever I ask my adhd-er to do the most simplest of chores I have to hear a litany of things his sister never did, or how unfair everything is, etc. etc. I'll tell you what's unfair......the fact that as a mom I work a full 8 to 10 hour day, run to the grocery store, fix the dinner, do the dishes and clean up, pick up everything from the time they were home alone after school and then finally get to sit down at 9:00 pm just to be told on Saturday how my request to sweep the front porch is ridiculously unfair. I have always wondering (after the inevitable huge fight finally cools) if the damage done from the arguing is more of a concern that these kids are going through their life without the same simple responsibilities that we grew up with. If we don't teach them these things then what are their lives (not to mention homes) going to look like when they are out on their own? I feel that it is super important for them to learn these lessons while under our roofs, but the level of arguing and the bad feelings afterward are very concerning as well. Sometimes I question whether the result of "winning" is worth it? A clean dishwasher, or recently swept porch in exchange for a day of moping around and negativity?? I wish I knew what the right decision was. I write about this exact type of predicament on my own blog www.lifeandadhd.wordpress.com where I welcome ANY advice. Is this just what we're all supposed to accept from our adhd kids? It just feels wrong.

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The posts could describe the scene at our house. My 15 yr old ADHD-er son knows better than to pitch a fit by now, but the teen eye rolling, sulleness and tight lips tells the same story. It takes him an hour to empty the dishwasher as well. Most tasks are either not done, or done very poorly. Monetary rewards have no appeal. My hubbie says it is our fault (read MY fault) for not insisting that he do what we ask, and not making him come back and do it right, while he was growing up. Maybe hubbie is right -- to an extent. Sometimes the mom who works 9-10 hrs a day and then comes home to take care of a 15 yr old with ADHD AND and disabled husband will find it easier, less time consuming and less stressful to just do it MYSELF! On the other hand, lately I have been changing my tune and doing what hubbie thinks we should have been doing. I make son come back and do things right -- once or twice for the same task. He is told that if he doesn't do it right at that point, he gets a privilege taken away If that happens, he gets an explanation carefully outlining that HE CHOSE to goof off, so he gets to deal with the bad consequences. I do often wonder if he is just lazy.

What helps: He likes to use his Ipod while doing a chore. Somehow this helps him focus, especially if I insist he not select tunes, but play on shuffle (selecting is distracting). Tell him (and you have to repeat this every week) what he is supposed to do. He will work to get through it so he can play video games. I explain up front that if he doesn't do things right he will have to do it over. It has been working a little better now that he is 15. One thing to avoid: hubbie will give a list and then start tacking things on. I think that is wrong, and my son has EXPRESSED that he doesn't see why he has to do things by a deadline, because "stuff will just get added to the list." That practice takes away the reward of being finished. Also: let the ADHD child move around as much as he/she likes, if possible.

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Frustrating! OMG. Especially when we are carrying the load! I have two busy teens with tons of homework, school activities, laundry etc.

Its important to think about (and agree with significant other) about why the young adult is expected to do chores. For example, in our family "everyone pitches in" , the kids need to know self-care skills, they are viewed as capable, and we must model appropriate work ethic to the kids. These are the facts and boundaries. This should be communicated in a calm setting (family meeting anyone?).

Are you Enabling? Do you expect your child to take care of himself and his belongings. Limit what you help them with - this could extend to doing laundry! Teens can do their own laundry. But look aside at messy rooms and wrinkled clothing. This strategy should lighten your load and allow you to not take their behavior personally. Of course, they don't care what you are doing except for how it affects them! Empathy is not a big factor in adolescence. WIIFM is their philosophy - What's in it for me?

Power struggle. Limit the power struggle by allowing a choice of chores and some flexibility about when they do them. This is where a "contract" may be in order. Treat them like adults but think about the consequences. For example, if your son mows the lawn have him make his own schedule - factoring in rain or other difficulties. If he does not mow the lawn reduce privileges - can't go out on the weekend until done, e.g. p.s. Hope he had to pay $ for wrecking the mower.

Forget bribery - just exacerbates the behavior. Don't expect him to follow any orders - this will only accelerate the oppositional stuff! Does anyone like following orders? Stress that he is almost an adult and you expect him to do what he says he will do.

Best of luck - and I'll be taking my own advise.

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I have had the same problem with my 14 year old son. I finally made a spreadsheet of all the chores I do around the house that he and his sister were capable of doing including yard work. I explained that if they helped I would have more time to spend with them and I would be less tired and less crabby! I told them to split the chores and they would get to to them twice a week. They would have to do them correctly, no sloppy and without attitude. If they did not understand something they needed to ask not leave it undone. I told them if they throw a fit or do not do something correctly I would make them do it again and I would add another chore to their responsibility. I explained throwing a fit and or having to do the chores over would take them away from the things they enjoy and I know this first hand! We have had a couple of setbacks but we seem to be getting some things done around our house lately. We have even had some teamwork on the chores. There has even been a lot less time for video games which is a huge plus!!!

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My has her days when she doesn't want to do anything. When I ask her why she doesn't do this or that she says "you didn't tell me" ugh so frustrating. So now I usually let her know ahead of time that she has to do this before she goes to a party, sleep over etc. If not, she doesn't go. Then there are days when she surprises the heck out of me and the living room, kitchen look like Mr. Clean came through lol I praise her and hope she would continue to do it without me telling her. I don't know if its just transitioning to something else when they want to do something more interesting or its just overwhelming. [sigh]

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When my 13 yr.-old with ADD just doesn't get around to doing her Saturday chores within a limited set time for whatever casual reason, she doesn't get her allowance. No money means no movies, swimming, restaurant, skating . . . . No rides to friend's houses either. I always give her 3 warnings within a half hour and threaten to remove her bedroom door when she starts arguing. It works and we don't argue about chores. During the school week I talk to her a lot about choices of having a messy room or messy kitchen. Dirty dishes means paper plates and microwave dinners. Not doing her own laundry means wearing dirty clothes. Dirty bathroom means embarrassment when friends are over.

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Arguing with your ADHD teen about doing chores will make things many times worse. ADHD makes a person live in the moment, they think of this moment. To an adult it may seem that an argument is a waste of time and it would be faster to just do the chores but not to an ADHD kid. They live for this moment and any moment they can avoid doing the chore is a good moment. Arguments make things much worse though with ADHD.

Let your teen know that he has certain expectations around the house and post them in a place her can clearly see them, like on the fridge. And then don't bother to remind him again. There needs to be real consequences for failing to do chores.

If he does not do what is required of him around the house, then Mum and Dad should not to chores to help him. If he won't do his chores don't bother to set him a place at dinner, don't bother to wash his clothes, don't bother to drive him to and from friends houses or activities. You can respond with "Thats OK, you don't need to do your part, but neither do we" and walk away don't argue or give in.

It is also important to help your son realize the difference between a right and a privilege. He may a right to food, clothes and bed and so on. But the rest are privileges. Make a list of all the things he does which are privileges such as watch TV, play video games, talk on the phone, eat treats and desserts, go out with friends, attend sporting activities, receive pocket money, ride his bike and so on. One thing you can have is total privilege removal. If he isn't going to do a chore, thats OK don't argue just remove all privileges, reinstating them only once chores are completed.

He may get defiant and choose to do it anyway, but there are things you can do. His favorite things like bikes, video games and so on can be removed while he is at school. Remove the TV remote or a cord that allows him access. You can even try turning the power off totally on the weekends. Arm yourself with a good book or other activities that don't require power and ignore his pleas.

It is essential that you get this under control now. Kids who refuse to help out as teens. become adults who deice to live at home forever and not pay any rent and expect their parents to still wash their clothes at 40.

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Oh, I hear you! What finally helped at my house was my physical limitations! Instead of getting angry, I appealed to my teens' (2 - 1 with ADHD) sympathy. I have a herniated disc in my back and bending, lifting, and reaching are painful. They know I went through months of physical therapy and still have trouble. So, my son now knows to empty and reload the dishwasher for me, and will take loads of laundry up/down the stairs because I can't lift. We're still having some arguments over washing pots and pans, but again, I can't really bend over the sink. So, maybe you can play up the sympathy card. ADHD-ers aren't thinking about the future or the future state of their homes....they'd rather argue than attempt the task on their own.

The other idea I have is the timer - if it worked for homework, why not for household chores? Sweep for 10 mins, then take a break. Take out the trash and then have a 10 min break, etc. Good luck! It does improve with time and persistence. My 16 yo ADHD son is actually a big help, and my 13 yo LD daughter helps when asked. Now, if it would just trickle down to my 7 yo ADHD daughter....

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Thank you you all for your advice and stories. We've made up a spreadsheet of jobs that he can do without supervision, and I have also made up a separate chart we've called his "caught being good" chart. We put four different rewards such as hiring a game, extra pocket money etc. Now all he has to do is choose a job every day and do it without us asking and he gets a tick towards his chosen reward. He can choose to do more jobs to earn more ticks, and can also earn ticks by simply saying something nice to his sisters, or helping them out with their chores. We have success at present with our son doing lots of little odd jobs and being nice to his sisters the majority of the time, whilst earning small rewards at a regular intervals. It's so successful at the moment, the girl's have even asked for their own charts! Thank you to everyone for the ideas and tips - and I hope this works for some time to come!

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I have a scehdule for all of my childrens chores and they rotate groups weekly. If you do not complete your chores, homework ect. you can not participate in going to any friends house, games, mall, TV, computer ect. We have a fun day twice a month where the family does group activities, and they can't participate in this either until the chores/homework is completed. You have to be strong and hold your ground. You can do it! !! Say it, Mean it and Walk away. Get you a glass of tea, put your feet up and turn on Lifetime. Help Me

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