I want to receive also your comments or tips. My 7 year old also is living the same experience, but when he is rejected he gets angry and starts saying ugly things to the other boys. I need help to help him!

Quote

If I didn't know better, I would've thought Scrapperluv was me or my husband writing in. Same situation with multiple schools, missing social cues, and not being accepted by groups. I haven't been able to find any social skills therapy programs near me, so hopefully some families with experience with this will chime in and help us!

Quote

I had that problem with my son when he started in Elementary school. He tried to be around a group and they will reject him. What I always said to him was that they are not your real friend. Your real friends are the ones that will always be there for you. I also put him in a baseball team close to the school and know that he is in middle school everything is changing. He is happier he has his little group in which some of the kids play in either his team or same park. Just don't show them that you feel sorry for them because of this it makes it worst. Always talk to them about your experiences when you were in schools and things will get better. I hope this helps.

Quote

I have the same problem with my 11 year-old daughter. Almost every day she comes home in tears because she is constantly having trouble with friends. They are friends one day & then having problems the next. Her friends have even made the comment that she is extremely sensitive & very quick to get upset. I think they are as frustrated as I am. It makes her angry & depressed here at home & it seems like none of my positive feedback & encouragement is helping. Was even thinking about homeschooling her but she needs to learn social skills or else she will have more difficulty later on down the road. Her self-esteem is so low with very low grades & having trouble maintaining friendships. Need some advice here too.

Quote

My son had the same issues. I signed him up for art classes outside school because he had both the interest and the talent--and it was there he found others who accepted him for himself. He found kids with the same interests (art) and began to not only make friends, but blossom into a very social being. Try to find your child's biggest outside interest and sign them up for a class, a team, or whatever--having one interest in common with the other kids is a wonderful starting place of friendships--and as time goes on and acceptance continues and grows, it seems to spread outward to other areas of life.

Quote

My heart goes out to your little boy! I understand his rejection. I am an RN and have a daughter with ADD who went through the same thing in her childhood. The most successful intervention we found was to expose her to horseback riding. She developed confidence and communication skills far beyond our expectations. Horses are innately sensitive to the emotional needs of people, and children who struggle in social circles can learn about social behavior from watching horses interact with other horses. Then children can learn to communicate with these incredible animals - what they learn from communicating with horses transfers directly into their social lives with other kids.

Quote

My son is 10 and in 4th grade and has been diagnosed on the Spectrum (high functioning) since he was 4 and has been on Concerta since 1st grade. My husband and I have been very involved with my son's social progress both in school and outside. In school he has a 504 Plan which includes Social Skills and we also have him in an outside group - which has been so beneficial. We also have him involved in activities he shows an interest in (sports) since he's been age eligible, which has given him the opportunity to play with his peers and they have gotten accustom to his ways. In the classroom, I cannot say he's the most popular, and he will sometimes say he has no friends, but I always remind of all the friends he has in his many activities. I've also taken the time to observe him from a distance and talk with him about what I observe where he is not 'connecting' with others and also bring in my own childhood experiences. Hope this helps-all the best to both of you.

Quote

My 9 year old son has also had a hard time being part of a group at school, and doesn't do well with social skills, although he seems to make friends easily in groups outside of school like YMCA baseball, summer camps and spontaneous outings at the park, etc. School social groups center around team sports, which he isn't as good at, and he has been teased for this. We tried taking him to a social skills therapy group, but he did not want to participate, although he sees a therapist regularly.

So, what we have been working on lately is inviting boys that we think he has things in common with over for individual playdates - hoping he will build stronger individual relationships and this will lead to better fitting in at school. The playdates seem to go well when he is one on one, and we are hoping this will build his confidence to play in a group.

Quote

Reading these threads sounds just like me when I am talking about my son. I remember having these same problems in school myself, as I am too ADD. I just keep reminding my son of the friends that he does have and that things will work themselves out. He often gets into trouble at school stemming from these insecurities. One thing that we have found that helps is writing in a journal. Also, there are several wonderful children's self help books @ Amazon.com on social skills and making friends. He loves to read so these books really help him.

Quote

We have the same problem with my 8 year old. We pulled him out of school and started homeschooling this year. I just didn't know what else to do. We were having problems with bullying and the teacher was even mean to him. I couldn't take him crying everyday...it broke my heart. We are in a co-op and he is in Karate...but even those small groups of kids reject him. He's so tender hearted and he tries so hard. He get along well one on one...but two or more he's sunk. :( The school wouldn't do IEP with me for ADHD...so I had to do what I had to do. He loves homeschool and his confidence has definitly grown. I figure adults aren't anywhere near as mean as school kids...so he'll do better when he's older lol

Quote

Scrapperluv,

First of all, major major respect and admiration to you for coming to this board! ...

Major respect for reaching out for help and suggestions.

Major respect for deciding to be proactive.

I am not a parent, but I am an uncle of several handicapped nephews who struggled with social skills, and I suffer ADHD myself, and I’m a teacher!

I have two suggestions:

1.) Find a great counselor for your son ....

2.) Get this book ....amazon.com "What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?: Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder" by Michele Novotni ...

Point 1: There are counselors out there who can really help kids who are having these kinds of social problems. I discovered this by accident ... My former wife and I were in marriage counseling of all things a few years back, and our counselor would meet with us in this room filled with all sorts of kids toys and games and poles to climb, etc ... One day, we asked him about this ... and he talked about his work with certain withdrawn kids ...

But here's the point: it was clear from listening to the counselor talk that he was great in experimenting with various ways to give kids social practice ... from getting down on the floor ... talking ... playing ... heck, I bet you can get a counselor who'll follow your kid around for a day ... or go with you to the playground with your kid to observe. So don’t think of traditional therapy with your son on one side having existential discussions with therapist on the other.

Think instead of your son perhaps telling a story about an experience or bringing up something that seems out of blue and that seems unrelated to his struggles and yet the more you listen, the more clear it becomes that he is talking about an important experience or an important idea he has about the experience.

You'll need a creative, smart counselor ... not someone stodgy and stiff ....Also, the counselor can help your kid deal with the frustration and anguish of failing to connect with others. She'll notice signs that even you won't notice ... and connections even you wouldn't make ....

Just as important, the counselor can help arrest the horrible negative feedback loop: rejection leading to anger and shutting down leading to worse social skills and mood changes ... leading to more rejection ... etc ... Getting rejected or even feeling rejected has a psychological costs and its best to take that on early … before the scars become hardened.

Point 2 the recommended book on ADHD and social skils:

I met the author of the book, Dr. Novotni at a conference on adhd and she said her son suffered from poor social skill s as a result of adhd and she realized he had to be explicitly taught a lot of what the rest of us learn intuitively. There are all sorts of minor tricks that your son can learn that will help ... For example, she was speaking of how there is a distinct way that people enter conversations .... there is a distinct way that a kid who arrives at a situation ... approaches two kids who are doing something .... There's body language ... there's hesitation ... there is a lot that socially skilled kids (and adults) do that they have no clue they are doing! ....

Even though this book is about adults, I can guarantee that it will resonate and enlighten and help you and give you a framework in which to help your son ...

Good luck!

Quote

I am the mom of a 1st grader with ADHD and I can connect with so many of the comments on this site.

- for the mom whose school denied her an IEP I am appalled by that school! You have the legal right to have a section 504 plan or a full blown IEP plan. Report that school to the school board in your area. That principal should be fired. I had a 30 minute conversation on the phone with our new principal whom had no idea of my child's struggles from Kindergarten and he was a wealth of information and suggestions. We had a meeting set up for a 504 plan (we decided not to go wtih the IEP plan) by the end of the first week of school and a two week teacher observation to allow for a successful meeting. We also received a sneak peek of the classroom before school even started, met the teacher and learned some of the daily routines so we could talk about them before his first day at school!

As far as fitting in with peers we also have challenges with this on our sports teams and in school. Lots of impulsivity and pushing to work with and coaches who don't know much about ADHD. Then, lots of guilt and feeling like "the bad kid".

By accident I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to be a big help. We see a licensed social worker who works in a psychiatrists office. She only works with kids and she teaches life skills to my son. For example, how to stop, slow down and think, then act. She works on self-esteem also. I adore her and she has been great for my son.

I have found that the best sport for our son (he plays basketball, football, lacrosse and does Tae Kwon Do) is the Tae Kwon Do. They know how to reward and they know how to address the self esteem issues and the consistency and routine that is needed for success. I guess the key is to find the right place to go and to talk with the masters. When we first started Kindergarten and my son was having a hard time I shared my concerns with his Tae Kwon Do studio owner. One of the masters sat with him and talked with him one-on-one. They came up with a reward system to incorporate our son's school successes with successes in Tae Kwon Do class and they built a mentor relationship with my son. I can never thank them enough for being yet another adult for him to trust, look up to and gain confidence from. We are in our third year and although we have challenges with focus at Tae Kwon Do classes we also have many successes!

I am working with the football coach now to help determine the best way to work together to help make practices more successful for my son and for the coach. After a few weeks of painfully watching the practices and not saying anything I called the coach on his cell phone to talk about how he and I could team up for better results. The coach admitted that he has no idea about ADHD or how to work with it. He was open to our discussion and how we he and I can work together at practices. Tonight I am making a rewards chart for my son so that at each practice or game he can be rewarded for doing well with the things that he finds most challenging (i.e. not touching the other players when waiting for his turn, paying attention and not talking when the coach is talking, etc.). I can give stars at each water break.

I do find that being transparent with my son about the fact that he has ADHD and has some impulsivity and focus issues helps him to best know himself, even at age 6 1/2 He also takes stimulant medication to help balance the brain and we explain to him that it helps him with his attention. I have friends who just tell their children that it is a "vitamin" and don't talk to them about ADHD as a medical condition. My son can tell when his medicine wears off and when his brain feels more confused and he can talk with me about how he is feeling throughout the day or night. This could be a life long condition for him and I want him to know himself and how to work through his challenges.

Quote