It can be hard. Most people think that a mothers love knows no bounds. But the truth is you can fall in and out of love with your kids when we are talking a difficult child. Not the child's fault as they don't mean to be who the are.

You really have to try hard to see the parts of them that make it easier to be in love with them. Then you may for to talk to them about their behavior that is difficult to handle so that you two can meet in the middle.

I bet if you were told your child was dead that it would be pretty darn painful for you. You love that child but the in love part, just needs work.

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I've felt the same way many times about my son, who is now 5, even when he was a baby (shock horror!!) and of course felt horribly guilty about it. I think you just have to cherish the good times, even though they may be few & far between (& do whatever it takes to get through the tough times. If that means working full-time instead of part-time so that you can stay sane, so be it. You will be a better parent in the shorter time that you do spend together... Especially if you also have ADD yourself, like me! Good luck :-)

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Sounds like you really need a break. Could your husband, another relative or friend keep her for a couple of days so you can totally get away to recover and rest? I know what has kept me sane is that my father plays the bad guy on getting homework done so that I don't always have to be the bad guy. If you are always having to get her to behave, do homework, etc., that naturally puts a strain on the relationship.

Also, I've found talking does little with my son. Turning off the TV and saying, "When your dirty clothes are in the hamper, THEN we can turn the TV on." Action and keeping emotions out of it as much as possible helps with him. Hope that helps!

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wow just opened my mail and got this email and am sittling here pulling my hair out as a single mother with an 11 year old boy with ADHD and feel so guilty not wanting to even be around my son the fight every day the fight to do everthing and wow i am not alone and thank god i just read some of there messages as i really thought i was started to lose my mind full of guilt thank you so much for sharing yes i dont want to just be home and do the fight every night the home work the shower oh its been such a dark place to be in but im not alone in my thoughts and i thank you for sharing and i guess i do just need a break and not feel guily about it thank you

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Well, a 12 year old female is going through a lot to begin with. If you can find out what a preteen goes through on their way to adulthood, you will be surprised that some of what she is going through is a stage of growing up. Yet with a children/adult the stages seem to be more intense. I have just taken a class in development and wow it is amazing how a parent and a teen make it through the growing up stage of a teenager. I wish you luck with your daughter but do not give up on her, because it will just come back one day and you will feel worst. I am an adult with ADHD and I raised a son with ADHD and boy I remember the times I wished I was not his mother, but I love him so much and he has grown into a great man and father. There is light at the end of the tunnel, with educating yourself with everything you are feeling and what she is feeling. God bless Cat

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You sound like my husband and I did several months back, with my 13-year-old daughter. After going to research an alternative school and speaking with a psychiatrist about our home situation, the doctor put us to the top of the list for a more appropriate class for our daughter together with a recommendation for a group home placement of 6 months! At the time, I thought he was being an alarmist, but realized that our home life had escalated to the point that neither my husband or I were finding much joy raising our daughter (she has other issues besides ADHD). We didn't realize it, but we truly had caregiver burnout and we desperately needed a break. I know this is extreme, but in your case, you may only need some regular help with your daughter from a friend, relative or respite worker. A worker can act as a mentor and help guide your daughter -- she might be more open to suggestions when they're not coming from Mom or Dad! Having someone regularly take her would also allow you the time you need to feel less strained, and help you to manage conflict better. You might use this time to work out or meditate (I do both and it helps). Puberty is a rough time anyway, so getting help will allow you to respond more calmly and consistently and help you to stick with the limits you need to set for her.

Today, my husband and I regularly attend a support group and have a wonderful respite worker. Although we still have our struggles, we are better able to handle life's day to day challenges. I appreciate my daughter's strengths and we have joyful times together. I can honestly say I am glad to have her in my life. I couldn't say that 8 months ago.

I remember a doctor once saying that " the most unlovable kids are those kids who need love the most." That line really stuck with me. I hope you can put supports in place so that you can see a lovable child once again emerge. Good luck!

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I have 3 girls, presently 23, 16 and almost 12, all with various ADD related life struggles. My 23 year old was the most difficult child I had ever worked so hard to love as there were more hard times then good from the very beginning and even now she struggles with many things but I find that creating good times whenever possible helped a lot - yes, lots of effort and planning on my part to learn the things that made her tick in a positive way but I am glad I did because when the tough times came it was easier to remember why God entrusting such a challenging but wonderful gift to me.

As time has passed and I have learned more, I have found the biggest key to successful love is to detach emotionally when things are bad. My younger two are now in the midst of the stress of divorce since their father moved out 2 years ago leaving our 27 year relationship and my 16 year old decided that when she did not like rules she would runaway too. When I detach, I have the ability to look at the situation and remember that problems are to be solved and emotions are for love.

My 12 year old has the toughest time with the divorce compounded with her ADD struggles and topped off with psoriasis has very strong rage tendencies and the biggest trick with her has been showing her that I trust her to do what is right and I never rescue her from her mistakes.

OUR DISABILITIES ARE NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR NOT COMPLYING WITH SOCIETY - PROBLEMS ARE TO BE SOLVED AND EMOTIONS ARE FOR LOVE.

Good Luck. Hope this helps.

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Kids push our buttons and they tend to push Mom's buttons more and ADHD kids push them all at once.. The defiance and the rudeness needs to be addressed with firm rules, written in black and white on paper. What the consequences are for breaking them and what the rewards are for following the rules and stick to it. Yes, she may freak out at first, don't let it get to you. There is an excellent video on pushing buttons and learning to not react emotionally to such behaviour but I find setting the firm rules in writing and sticking to it really helps. Consistency is really needed and learning to withdraw from fighting. Reading some parenting books on defiant behaviour may also help. You love your child, you hate the behaviour. Here is the link to the video

http://www.caddra.ca/cms4/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=158%3Avideos2&catid=35%3Atraining&Itemid=358&lang=en

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I am currently reading Howard Glassers book Transforming the Difficult Child...and would suggest it for anyone reaching burnout and hopelessness. While I detest the title of the book,( it should be Transforming the Difficult Relationship or something else) it gave me hope and renewed my will to fight for us to have a cohesive family. I also had someone refer me to the Celebrate Calm series by Kirk Martin, but due to the expense, I'm sticking with the book for now... they both advocate similar life changes.

I also agree that if at all possible, you need a break and get some time away. These kids can feel like emotional vampires, and when we can take a step back and catch our breath, we can see things with a new perspective...and perhaps even rekindle some hope. Good luck.

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We have exactly the same problems with our 12 year old son. He has been in acute care 4 times and long term care 1 time for 4 1/2 months. The time that he was away from home did help us to have a breather and our household was so peaceful. We were able to get ourselves back to normal again. It also gave us time to see councelors for our own good. We are currently going through some of the same situations as before. We have considered military school or a boarding school but that is such a difficult decision to make and we really don't feel that that is the answer. We just want help that we are not able to find. I have called every physcologist in town and there are no appointments available. I now have to get my insurance company to work out time for us. I hope this helps because we don't know what else to do. We really don't know what his future holds.

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Thank Goodness, I'm not the only one. My 13 year old boy has Asperger's, ADHD and GAD. Recently he hit me in a fit of anger - he is 10 inches taller than me! I have been feeling so guilty about the way I have been feeling. I have major depressive disorder and have been having a VERY hard time lately and dealing with him doesn't help.His psychologist is supportive but other than that i don't get any support so it is nice to hear other parents also have this problem.

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Hi Tamom--I know EXACTLY what you are going through! We have a 14yr old daughter with ADHD/Oppositional-defiant disorder. Hormones intensify the ADHD/Oppostional symptoms and your daughter is going through hormone fluctuations and changes, even if she doesn't have her period yet. Our daughter became quite intense (w/ a sharp increase of ADD/Oppositional symptoms) around the age of 8-9 yrs. This correlates w/ her developing underarm/pubic hair. A friend of mine was having horrible opposition from her daughter...I recommended that she mark on her calendar, the days that her daughter was the MOST difficult and I guaranteed that she would see a pattern. She thought I was crazy! She said "She's only 8...she's not going through the hormone stuff already." I told her that these girls 'cycle' years before their periods start and to just give it a try. She did and indeed, she saw a definite pattern emerge!! A monthly pattern. It is so dang hard to feel calm, patient and loving when a child acts defiant, disrespectful and rude. Many times a day I feel like getting into my car and driving somewhere...ANYWHERE! My husband has even researched boarding schools, he's so frustrated. After seeing how difficult it was to just connect w/ our daughter (just a gentle tap on her arm would send her into a tizzy), I decided that we needed a 'family requirement' of one hug a day. Usually she resists, mouthing off, rolling her eyes and outright refusing to do so. If she continues to resist, I walk away and try again later. But if I stand there w/ my arms stretched out, saying "I'm waiting for my daily hug. You mind as well get it over with", almost always, she will give in and embrace me. Ironically, she's the one who won't let go first. So our kids do need us,despite their way of pushing us away. I would not recommend putting your daughter into foster care or placing her somewhere else...she will see it as 'abandonment' or that you've given up on her. This could lead to more defiance, opposition and perhaps risky behavior.

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When a child is having ANY issues, the first line of defense is the physician. Find out and rule out any physical problems/reasons for the behavior. Understanding why a behavior is happening can greatly improve your reaction to it. Then, research medication (with your physician) IF behavioral techniques don't work. In more severe cases, medication is almost always used. Children just can't control ADHD behaviors and it creates frustration for everyone - parents, teachers, peers, AND the child! If there are co-occuring diagnoses, you will have to be careful mixing medications - your physician, and especially a well-trained pharmacist (not the pharmacy tech) are qualified to determine safe combinations of meds. If these steps still don't alleviate a child's problem behaviors, you need a behavior plan. A psychologist, behaviorist, and sometimes a school counselor can help you with this. All behavior plans are is identifying the problem behavior, what sets it off, and then drawing up consequences. It is imperative that EVERYone follow this plan, and to the letter. It's the only way it will work. Twelve years old is the age of going through puberty (for some time already) and entering adolesence - a tough time for a typical child, never mind one with disorders. Get regular breaks as has been mentioned before - every week get out with your husband (or alone, or with gal friends) - somewhere - it doesn't even have to cost anything - walk around the mall, go to the library, walk through a park or along a beach, etc. Set limits for your child (and any other sibs so she doesn't feel singled out) - draw up a list of house rules and people rules - you can do this together so they have some ownership to it. It also prevents them from saying, "I didn't know about that!" After it's in a finished form, everyone signs it, and then post it (keeping copies tucked away in case that one disappears). Agree on desired behavior and consequences for undesired behavior. Reward systems work great, too - establish what you would LIKE to see for behavior, then reward it in kind - small children can collect chips (bingo or poker chips work well) and older ones points (that you record in some way that they can't surretipiously add to) that can be redeemed for small prizes such as choosing a DVD rental, going to the movies, picking out a cereal, etc. You know your child and what would motivate them - use those for rewards. Larger goals should have larger rewards - make the reward fit whatever you're asking your child to accomplish (and factoring in the time required). Make charts/graphs so they can track their progress - it's very satisfying to see your progress marked in some way - it's also a form of "biofeedback" - they will be motivated to do better when they see that line/bar, etc. get closer to the reward. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends - often, "trouble" kids are far less trouble with a novel caretaker. Your child may see you as the "bad guy" and also may need a break from you! But just remember, finding out the underlying causes of a child's behavior is key - no child wants to be "bad" - they want to be loved and accepted just like anyone else. They just have something going on that's preventing them from getting to that place.

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Wow. Ouch. Since absolutely no one is writing on behalf of the 12 year old daughter, I'm going to, because she deserves a voice here. The fact that a mother said "she would really like her 12 year old daughter to leave" was stunning. I understand the frustration, but that's just not okay. In marriage, there's a vow to be there in sickness and in health til death do you part. So where's the vow and same commitment to the kids?

I'm certain that the daughter knows how you feel and that is continuing the vicious circle. That's what a struggling, angry, frustrated 12 year old with ADHD and learning disabilities needs: to feel like the black sheep and unwanted. I don't recall reading anything in your statement about what it's like for her...

I understand it's extremely difficult to raise kids with these struggles who outwardly act in ways that are hard to love. But let's remember one thing: they are CHILDREN. And if you want them to have any success in the world when they get older, they need your love and support now. Take it from me, I know. I was a struggling 12 yr old girl once.

Sure she's unruly, she's frustrating, she's rude. You're forgetting one major detail - you had the child, you made a commitment. You didn't sign up to raise a child and keep raising them only if it was easy for you, did you? Not downplaying the situation, but you have a huge responsibility here. You are in charge of setting this child up for success so she can live a good life. If you give up on her now, what kind of life will she have? If her own family gives up on her, what does that tell her about the world, about herself? Guess what kind of relationships she'll have in the future.

I'm not discounting how it must feel for you. But someone has to speak up for the kids. Your daughter - sounds like she has issues, for sure. Issues that are making life extremely hard on your family. But don't you think it's time to get some help to deal with this and stop having the whole family looking at her as the one to fix? I can assure you, the more she feels this, the more it will continue.

"Wow, that's why she's acting this way." That's something people often don't pay attention to. I was often grounded for not applying myself. I was blamed for feeling, for being angry - I was grounded, criticized, judged. I was "the problem". It was never anyone else's fault. Even when it was. I felt like no one understood me. It became my role. I felt underlying it all that I was somehow flawed.

One thing to consider: The people closest to me weren't looking at themselves much at that time, either. They were focused on me and my actions because my acting out was the easiest to blame. It took all the blame off of anyone else.... regardless of who deserved it. I made it easy for everyone else to feel self-righteous. Many decisions were based on what was right for them rather than what was right for me back then. If anyone needed the Supernanny .... Interesting how parents call her to tell her how unruly the kids are and then we see how they do things at home.... Sure can be much harder with those who have ADHD or other challenges, but did those kids ask for this? Do they really want to make your lives harder? Really? They didn't sign up for this. They got a bum deal already.

Here and now, you have the choice to either give up on her, or to be dedicated and love her despite of her actions. It sounds like you definitely need more self-care, but regardless, she needs someone in her corner. She is a child. Will it be you, your husband and your son that stick by her? Have you honestly done everything you can? Have you contributed at all to her angst? What is she sensing from you? What are you doing about it? Is she really intrinsically evil? I highly doubt it.

Will you choose to be her heroes (though she may not appreciate it right now) or will you and your family choose to turn away from her, criticize her, judge her or look down at her?

I'm 40 now - if you choose the second option and need to know how it all plays out, I can fill you in. You tend to keep that 'black sheep' feeling with you years later. Add the learning disabilities and ADHD? Wow, what a complicated, challenging, painful, isolated life she may have if you abandon her now. And especially if she keeps feeling how much you guys don't want her around. You can almost guarantee it. All she needs is one hero, one person in her corner, no matter how hard it gets. Who's that going to be?

I'd like to also point out the obvious - what 12 year old or teenager doesn't talk back, isn't rude, doesn't have angry outbursts? The relationship between moms and daughters can get especially rocky. How are her hormone levels? That can make all of this so much worse.

Then there's the stigma of feeling like bad child. What if she feels 'less than' your other child? If there's another sibling in the family, boy don't they look like the angel? The good one. Or the smarter one. Or the one who's less of a burden. How does that make the struggling one feel? And then they get stuck in the cycle. Everyone has a role in a family. People start to expect them to be the 'bad one' and they don't disappoint. If this continues, wait til she grows up. She may just wind up picking spouses and bosses that will make her feel that way. She may attract abusive situations.

What kind of life do you want for your daughter? Your choices now can make all the difference for her later.

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I truly feel for you - but if you don't think your major depression has any affect on your son ... ? Why don't more parents realize this? They are very articulate about how their kids make them feel? And the other way around???

You say you feel guilty - so do something about that. The happier the parent is, the better of the child is. They can sense your bad feelings towards them even if you don't say a word about it. They look to you for guidance, to be their rock, to make them feel safe. That's your responsibility with or without the depression. Instead of too much looking at the child and not looking at the parent, do both of yourselves a favor and get the support you need. People look to psychologists as if they are the end all be all. Obviously that's not enough. And it shouldn't be. And sometimes psychologists aren't the answer at all. Clearly, that's not the only way to build your lives up and get more support. Do more to bring joy into BOTH of your lives. You BOTH deserve it.

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daniels.mom said: Thank Goodness, I'm not the only one. My 13 year old boy has Asperger's, ADHD and GAD. Recently he hit me in a fit of anger - he is 10 inches taller than me! I have been feeling so guilty about the way I have been feeling. I have major depressive disorder and have been having a VERY hard time lately and dealing with him doesn't help.His psychologist is supportive but other than that i don't get any support so it is nice to hear other parents also have this problem.

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Hi-your post has alot of great info. But lets not assume that this child isn't under the care of a physician or that the parent hasn't or isn't trying many of these methods already. Re: charts/point systems--these work great for kids who don't have ADD/ADHD children but generally are not effective for ADD/ADHD kids for a number of reasons (e.g impulsivity & difficulty staying on task). Tamom describes what many parents of ADD/ADHD children often experience; lack of emotional/psychological support and frequent parental burnout. I'm not talking about the occasional challenge a parent faces in raising (normal) kids. I'm talking about constant, persistent challenges that parents of ADD/ADHD face on a daily, no, make that 'hourly' basis. ADD/ADHD symptoms disrupt even the simplest activities of daily living, such as getting ready for school in the morning. Making it through the morning routine and getting out the door on time, for example, are not so simple for a child who has no concept of passing time or becomes distracted by the slightest thing. They are not 'trying' to be distracted, it just happens.

I'm curious PamieJune...do you have a child with ADD/ADHD?

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Thank you for 'getting it'. Thank you for doing the right thing. To love when they don't act lovingly, to be there for them despite of it all. It's challenging. That shouldn't give people the right to stop parenting, to abandon, to give up, or to neglect. And for goodness sake - thank you for 'getting' that she's a teenager, that she needs love no matter how much she acts like she doesn't. These are children we are talking about here. They need love.

And finally, a girl's hormones and ADD are one powerful combination that is often overwhelming, highly overlooked, and often out of their control!

Let's also not forget: things are hard for them. They already have challenges that other kids don't, they do things that cause people to feel negatively towards them and their families are often upset with them, and they can't seem to get a handle on their actions and emotions. That's not easy. Neither is being 12.

Thank you for doing the right thing!!! Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing. Thank you for "getting it!"

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ceebee said: Hi Tamom--I know EXACTLY what you are going through! We have a 14yr old daughter with ADHD/Oppositional-defiant disorder. Hormones intensify the ADHD/Oppostional symptoms and your daughter is going through hormone fluctuations and changes, even if she doesn't have her period yet. Our daughter became quite intense (w/ a sharp increase of ADD/Oppositional symptoms) around the age of 8-9 yrs. This correlates w/ her developing underarm/pubic hair. A friend of mine was having horrible opposition from her daughter...I recommended that she mark on her calendar, the days that her daughter was the MOST difficult and I guaranteed that she would see a pattern. She thought I was crazy! She said "She's only 8...she's not going through the hormone stuff already." I told her that these girls 'cycle' years before their periods start and to just give it a try. She did and indeed, she saw a definite pattern emerge!! A monthly pattern. It is so dang hard to feel calm, patient and loving when a child acts defiant, disrespectful and rude. Many times a day I feel like getting into my car and driving somewhere...ANYWHERE! My husband has even researched boarding schools, he's so frustrated. After seeing how difficult it was to just connect w/ our daughter (just a gentle tap on her arm would send her into a tizzy), I decided that we needed a 'family requirement' of one hug a day. Usually she resists, mouthing off, rolling her eyes and outright refusing to do so. If she continues to resist, I walk away and try again later. But if I stand there w/ my arms stretched out, saying "I'm waiting for my daily hug. You mind as well get it over with", almost always, she will give in and embrace me. Ironically, she's the one who won't let go first. So our kids do need us,despite their way of pushing us away. I would not recommend putting your daughter into foster care or placing her somewhere else...she will see it as 'abandonment' or that you've given up on her. This could lead to more defiance, opposition and perhaps risky behavior.

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I'm not sure why you refer to these kids as not wanting to be "bad" or "troubled"... my daughter has a inattention problem and she is neither bad nor troubled...

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I don't think there is a parent out there that doesn't relate to some degree with you. I'd strongly recommend you getting therapy for both you and your daughter. A therapist would be able to rule out if what your daughter is exhibiting is "developmental." More importantly, the therapist could rule out whether or not she is depressed (which comes out in teenagers as ANGER) or does have ODD (Oppositional Definant Disorder). Get help now so you can preserve whatever you have left of the relationship. Life is so short and you don't want to go on feeling this way or showing (directly or indirectly) how you are feeling to your daughter. As hard as it feels right now, your daughter does need a Mom, despite how she is behaving or what she is saying. Two AWESOME books that have helped me so much are: "How To Talk So Your Child Will Listen and Listen So Your Child Will Talk" by Adele Faber AND "Queen Bees and Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman. Both of these books are so worth the read. Hang in there and try to keep the emotions low but most importantly, take more time for YOU! Go out with your husband or girlfriends and have more FUN. Sounds like you could use it;-) From someone who knows...Kira

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I hear you. I have a 10 1/2 yo daughter who is ADD/Learning disabilities and she's been on meds for about 3 years now. The attitude and obnoxious behavior that comes out of this quiet, shy girl sometimes shocks me and others. A few of thoughts: - There are times when i distinguish between "liking" and "loving" my daughter. I always love her, I just don't always like her and/or her behavior. I think it may be important to separate out her behavior from her as a person. I even sometimes say it to her - "I love you always, and there are some times that I don't like you or the attitude you are giving me or your behavior." As I understand that she has the same right to feel that way about me at times. - I have found in discussions with her that she doesn't "hear" her statements the same way I (or others) do. She can say something really sassy/sarcastic/rudely etc. and I repeat it back to her in the same way.....she says she literally doesn't hear it in the same way that I say it. I have had to repeat it back to her in the same tone/loudness/voice etc so she can hear the way it sounds and then ask her to change it. I also make it clear that the content of what she is saying is fine/ok (if it truly is) and it's just the way/the manner in which she expresses it that I have a problem with. This has helped us, as it is not her intention to be rude (for the most part). :o) - We have also discovered over time that she is Hypoglycemic (not officially diagnosed, but we are treating her as such and it works!). When she doesn't eat she is literally the biggest crab (I'm being nice here). I have made her/close family/school etc. aware of it and we keep her fed and/or ask if she is getting particularly difficult. Feed her and OMGoodness, like 4 minutes later she is my nice girl again. It's like magic. I hope this may help some of you. :o)

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I completely understand. I often find myself feel the same way toward my step daughter. I knew when my husband and I married that I took a package deal, and accepted that. I have treated her as if she was my own, doing more for her than her biological mother. I have given her stability which her mother didn't do, routine, safety, regular meals instead of take out, nice clothes, animals, praise, love, take her regularly to the dr, dentist, been to 2 psychologists, communicate with teachers on problems. We monitor her medications (Vyvanse & Intuniv), see that she is taking them, refill them regularly, even had to add Lexapro. She is regularly rude, defiant, hateful, and now even violent towards me. After she is through with her meltdown, she expects me to forget about it and go on as usual. She's been lying about even little inconsequential things, stealing things from me, and now has actually crossed the line by putting her hands on me. She's threatened to before but never done it. I'm pregnant now and can't risk my unborn baby, and I'm am terrified that if her behavior doesn't change, she poses a very real threat to the baby. She's been mean to the animals numerous times with no reason. I recently caught her kickng my horse in the chest because she said he was in her way, caught her luring the other horses up to her as if she had a treat, then swinging a rope to scare them, and luring them up again just to chase them away, throwing rocks at my stud, as well as other incidences. Now I don't want her around the horses period. She's no longer allowed to have the dogs in her room either. We have worked with the drs, psychologists, and school to try and cope with any problems she's having, and we're losing ground instead of gaining it. I've done so much research on ADD and other behavioral problems, trying to help her. Done what is recommended, to no avail. My husband has custody of her, now trying to get full custody with her mother having no visitation because she seems worse after a visit with her mother. I feel guilty because I find myself not wanting to be around her, not wanting any physical contact with her. I feel numb after all the pain she has caused me, and struggle to find out why she would treat me so when I've tried to everything in the world to help her.

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Congratulations for this comment, 100% true and real.

I have a 13 year old son with ADHD and only God knows how much I have gone through to make him a good man and believe me, it is worth it !! In spite of all his issues he is my son and I adore him, and the best way to show him that is by caring and building a great man for tomorrow, someone that can be proud of himself and make the ones surrounding him proud as well.

I will never stop to be surprised at how things can change in him with just a twist in my attitude. Of course he receives help of a therapist, psychiatrist but most of all, he receives love. And, even though it may sound a cliche, love conquers all.

Start by loving yourself as a human being, then you will find your inner strength to face all kinds of problems in live....look for help for yourself, build yourself so you can face this and other problems in life.

The commitment as a parent never ends, it is a beautiful image of a baby being hold by his mother....I always tell myself "I just wish it was this simple and nice".....well, its more and we, as parents have to be make sure we are there for our kids, in spite of how hard it is...

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NewbieADD said: Wow. Ouch. Since absolutely no one is writing on behalf of the 12 year old daughter, I'm going to, because she deserves a voice here. The fact that a mother said "she would really like her 12 year old daughter to leave" was stunning. I understand the frustration, but that's just not okay. In marriage, there's a vow to be there in sickness and in health til death do you part. So where's the vow and same commitment to the kids?

I'm certain that the daughter knows how you feel and that is continuing the vicious circle. That's what a struggling, angry, frustrated 12 year old with ADHD and learning disabilities needs: to feel like the black sheep and unwanted. I don't recall reading anything in your statement about what it's like for her...

I understand it's extremely difficult to raise kids with these struggles who outwardly act in ways that are hard to love. But let's remember one thing: they are CHILDREN. And if you want them to have any success in the world when they get older, they need your love and support now. Take it from me, I know. I was a struggling 12 yr old girl once.

Sure she's unruly, she's frustrating, she's rude. You're forgetting one major detail - you had the child, you made a commitment. You didn't sign up to raise a child and keep raising them only if it was easy for you, did you? Not downplaying the situation, but you have a huge responsibility here. You are in charge of setting this child up for success so she can live a good life. If you give up on her now, what kind of life will she have? If her own family gives up on her, what does that tell her about the world, about herself? Guess what kind of relationships she'll have in the future.

I'm not discounting how it must feel for you. But someone has to speak up for the kids. Your daughter - sounds like she has issues, for sure. Issues that are making life extremely hard on your family. But don't you think it's time to get some help to deal with this and stop having the whole family looking at her as the one to fix? I can assure you, the more she feels this, the more it will continue.

"Wow, that's why she's acting this way." That's something people often don't pay attention to. I was often grounded for not applying myself. I was blamed for feeling, for being angry - I was grounded, criticized, judged. I was "the problem". It was never anyone else's fault. Even when it was. I felt like no one understood me. It became my role. I felt underlying it all that I was somehow flawed.

One thing to consider: The people closest to me weren't looking at themselves much at that time, either. They were focused on me and my actions because my acting out was the easiest to blame. It took all the blame off of anyone else.... regardless of who deserved it. I made it easy for everyone else to feel self-righteous. Many decisions were based on what was right for them rather than what was right for me back then. If anyone needed the Supernanny .... Interesting how parents call her to tell her how unruly the kids are and then we see how they do things at home.... Sure can be much harder with those who have ADHD or other challenges, but did those kids ask for this? Do they really want to make your lives harder? Really? They didn't sign up for this. They got a bum deal already.

Here and now, you have the choice to either give up on her, or to be dedicated and love her despite of her actions. It sounds like you definitely need more self-care, but regardless, she needs someone in her corner. She is a child. Will it be you, your husband and your son that stick by her? Have you honestly done everything you can? Have you contributed at all to her angst? What is she sensing from you? What are you doing about it? Is she really intrinsically evil? I highly doubt it.

Will you choose to be her heroes (though she may not appreciate it right now) or will you and your family choose to turn away from her, criticize her, judge her or look down at her?

I'm 40 now - if you choose the second option and need to know how it all plays out, I can fill you in. You tend to keep that 'black sheep' feeling with you years later. Add the learning disabilities and ADHD? Wow, what a complicated, challenging, painful, isolated life she may have if you abandon her now. And especially if she keeps feeling how much you guys don't want her around. You can almost guarantee it. All she needs is one hero, one person in her corner, no matter how hard it gets. Who's that going to be?

I'd like to also point out the obvious - what 12 year old or teenager doesn't talk back, isn't rude, doesn't have angry outbursts? The relationship between moms and daughters can get especially rocky. How are her hormone levels? That can make all of this so much worse.

Then there's the stigma of feeling like bad child. What if she feels 'less than' your other child? If there's another sibling in the family, boy don't they look like the angel? The good one. Or the smarter one. Or the one who's less of a burden. How does that make the struggling one feel? And then they get stuck in the cycle. Everyone has a role in a family. People start to expect them to be the 'bad one' and they don't disappoint. If this continues, wait til she grows up. She may just wind up picking spouses and bosses that will make her feel that way. She may attract abusive situations.

What kind of life do you want for your daughter? Your choices now can make all the difference for her later.

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