First off, you have been OK all along with him having female friends offline, so what is the difference if he has friends online? Sure, some of them may be whackos, as you say, or stalkers. But some may be real friends, and fill a need he has for communication. As you say, new friendships and new relationships do boost the endorphins that people with ADHD/ADD need. They also give a boost to other things, like ego and self-confidence. Unfortunately, these internet friendships can very quickly become more intense, even romantic. Add the ADHD factors in, and it can lead to trouble. It can also be very difficult to break it off, due to the ADHD factors. One thing you don't have to worry about, though: it isn't physical. But, it can be an emotional roller coaster for both parties involved.

Trust me, I know by experience. I've been the "shadow on the Internet", the other woman, for over a year, in a long-distance relationship spanning two continents. He and I both have ADHD, and it has been a real roller coaster of emotions. Please don't get me wrong. I am not a heartless home-wrecker or anything like that. It's a friendship that became more than either of us expected, sooner than expected. Like I said, ADHD intensifies feelings.

You and your husband need to have an open and honest discussion, put it all on the table how you both feel about it, and together set boundaries. He may not realize it, but he is playing with fire and someone can get hurt. To be perfectly frank, you need to figure out what is missing, and why he feels he needs to have these other friendships/relationships. Counseling might be a good idea, too.

I hope I haven't offended you with what I have said, but I know the pitfalls, by experience.

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He is fooling himself and/or you as well. I spent a year going to an adhd counselor who drove me positively NUTS telling me how NOT to have an affair. Ok already, ADHDers crave stimulation and personal strokes like non-adhders cannot understand. He is using this 'safe' method to get the stimulation he wants. Like a drug in some ways. (I hope he is on medication by the way. I am a natural/organic girl and I take the drugs.)

Also you wouldn't be asking if you didn't think it was a problem. Remember when you took your vows and you said "forsaking all others". He needs to forsake the others.

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I'm not sure what Gemini62's point was exactly, but I'm a guy with ADD and I can tell you his online friendships with women are likely already hurting your marriage. It's true you can't force someone's behavior or feelings (you don't sound like you do that) but it's also true that you have the right, and even the responsibility, to draw the line at the border between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. At some point it shows disrespect to you, and that hurts him as much as it does you. But you have to be clear with him about what's not OK.

If I may generalize about husbands, something a lot of wives may not realize is that not only does a husband want to make love to his wife because it feels great, but also because sex is the way many husbands feel loved! The better that part of a marriage is the more a husband will tend to be in love and infatuated with his wife. But also remember that ADD guys tend to need motivation. If that part of your marriage is excellent, and you make it even better, as well as making clear to him how his behavior affects your "mood" and hold to it, I believe you'll see a change. You'll start to be the source of those endorphines he wants.

One night, when the kids were gone overnight, I came home and saw pieces of my wife's attire placed strategically from the banister at the bottom of the stairs, along the stairs, down the hall, in the bedroom and leading to her in our bed. I felt like that cartoon character who's smitten and floating through the air! It intensified the love I felt for my wife. She had the power to take me to a very wonderful place where I felt great and I felt very loved, and I loved her all the more for it.

I apologize in advance for talking about something so personal. I believe strongly in marriage and wanted to tell you things I felt would really help your situation.

I hope you're able to resolve this. Just remember how important motivation (of the short-term/near-future type) is to an ADD husband.

Michael Layton, Utah

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I love Michael Layton's advice. He's absolutely right.

I agree that your husband may feel like it's harmless fun, but he needs to remember a lot of these women are NOT ADHD like him, and on sites with names like Ok Cupid it's obvious these women are looking for relationships beyond friendship. He's ABSOLUTELY playing with fire. This may get him going, walking such a thin line, but it's not ok, for him, for you, or for the other women. Stop him now, while you can! I'd follow Mr. Layton's advice if I were you. Oh, and facebook? PUH-leez. It should be limited to those people you know in person. How much free time does he have, that he's putting so much of it into the internet?

Also, if he's looking for friendships, surely he has a hobby or 80 million interests like the rest of us - and there are forums for hobbies and interests! Why can't he find friends (women, men, couples) on THESE sites, where the focus is non-sexual/romantic?

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Haha, I love the advice. Yes I'm sure he could use a little more bedroom time. I do however get caught in the classic cycle of doing everything and being too tired yada yada yada. I work full time and we have 2 kids so it's a crazy schedule.

I have been really supportive of his hobbies. He has started back up at playing Dungeons and Dragons, and I definately want him to have friends and a life. I think my last conversation with him about playing with fire helped put a kabash on the online stranger danger. We will see what happens, but I will up the ante on teh sexy sexy time :) We happen to havea date night on Saturday!

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I'm not married, but my boyfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years. I was diagnosed back in 2003 and he is in the process, though we're very sure he has it as he shows many of the signs. This COMPLETELY spoke to me. It was like I wrote it. He's had times here and there over the 4 years we've been together where he talked online to other women. It hurt me so much. This last time I found out was too much. I started using his old phone when he got his iPhone and was going through, it as you do with a new device. He had cleared everything out, but the drafts folder still had things in it. I opened it and there were messages to 3 different women. One suggested that phone sex had occurred or or would be, another commenting on photos sent... I was shaking with anger. I confronted him and he said he didn't know why he did it, that he only wanted me, and that he doesn't know why he didn't stop it. It made me feel so sick, so disrespected, and so angry. I've been struggling with the situation. I love him so much but I feel so let down that I don't know what to do. He's starting counselling this coming week. I want to try to be here for him but it's so hard to when I feel so hurt. I can understand the feelings of wanting attention and what-have-you. Before I was diagnosed, I was promiscuous. I loved the feeling of someone new wanting me. He was, too, for a time and I guess it's still hanging on even though we've been together all this time. He swears nothing has happened offline and I can only take his word on it. My trust is a little crushed right now. I'm hoping that the counselling and any med therapy he needs help.

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hardsilver said: I love Michael Layton's advice. He's absolutely right.

I agree that your husband may feel like it's harmless fun, but he needs to remember a lot of these women are NOT ADHD like him, and on sites with names like Ok Cupid it's obvious these women are looking for relationships beyond friendship. He's ABSOLUTELY playing with fire. This may get him going, walking such a thin line, but it's not ok, for him, for you, or for the other women. Stop him now, while you can! I'd follow Mr. Layton's advice if I were you. Oh, and facebook? PUH-leez. It should be limited to those people you know in person. How much free time does he have, that he's putting so much of it into the internet?

Also, if he's looking for friendships, surely he has a hobby or 80 million interests like the rest of us - and there are forums for hobbies and interests! Why can't he find friends (women, men, couples) on THESE sites, where the focus is non-sexual/romantic?

I found the man I had an Internet affair with on a Facebook forum we were both in. Romance can happen anywhere on the net, not just dating sites.

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I'm so sorry. That's such a shitty feeling. As far as I know it hasn't gone that far, but I would rather not have to worry that it could. It does take time when something like that comes up. It can take a really long time to be able to finally let go of all the hurt and resentment. I hope it all turns out well for you. Get a good support group whether it's friends or whatever works for you. I have a coworker who has an adhd partner and he's my support group. Quote:

starcat81 said: I'm not married, but my boyfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years. I was diagnosed back in 2003 and he is in the process, though we're very sure he has it as he shows many of the signs. This COMPLETELY spoke to me. It was like I wrote it. He's had times here and there over the 4 years we've been together where he talked online to other women. It hurt me so much. This last time I found out was too much. I started using his old phone when he got his iPhone and was going through, it as you do with a new device. He had cleared everything out, but the drafts folder still had things in it. I opened it and there were messages to 3 different women. One suggested that phone sex had occurred or or would be, another commenting on photos sent... I was shaking with anger. I confronted him and he said he didn't know why he did it, that he only wanted me, and that he doesn't know why he didn't stop it. It made me feel so sick, so disrespected, and so angry. I've been struggling with the situation. I love him so much but I feel so let down that I don't know what to do. He's starting counselling this coming week. I want to try to be here for him but it's so hard to when I feel so hurt. I can understand the feelings of wanting attention and what-have-you. Before I was diagnosed, I was promiscuous. I loved the feeling of someone new wanting me. He was, too, for a time and I guess it's still hanging on even though we've been together all this time. He swears nothing has happened offline and I can only take his word on it. My trust is a little crushed right now. I'm hoping that the counselling and any med therapy he needs help.

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There is a dating site for people with ADHD. addultpartner.com

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