What follows is likely a typical story for many others having the same disorder. I write this to help me, and others, better understand a problem I continue to be unable to cope with. It is my hope to one day be able to find a way to control a true medical problem that continues to not allow any type of success in my life.

I am 48 years old. All of my life, as far back as I am able to remember, I have had extreme difficulty in keeping focused on any task for long periods. My inability to remain focused causes me to be impulsive to the point of being incapable of making responsible choices in many areas.

I am not an unintelligent man. I know my responsibilities in life. Regardless of that fact I have experienced many problems from not being able to remain focused. The area most effected by my disorder is my ability to support my family. I understand the importance of working in order to support myself, and the household of my beloved family. Although I am fully aware of the consequences of not being able to hold a job for long periods, I continue to be unstable when it comes to bringing in the bacon.

I have a disorder that doctors currently refer to as Attention Deficit Disorder. When I was young and in school, I knew there was a problem with my being so impulsive. My grades suffered through my early education and continued to do so into high school. Finally, as soon as I was allowed to do so, I quit school. My grades were failing. There was little hope for me graduating. I received little help with my impulsive behavior. No one seemed to understand how difficult it was for me to remain focused. There was no such thing at the time as Attention Deficit Disorder, and if there was my parents were unaware of the disorder and how to treat it.

I am not incapable of learning. During my education I learned the things being taught. My failing came in the form of not being capable to take the time to sit and read, or sit to study. The ability to focus on that type of task was just not there. Test scores suffered. Again, no one seemed to understand there was a problem. I would be punished for not being able to concentrate long enough to complete school tasks. My parents had several meetings with school officials attempting to determine why my schooling was not going as well as it should have been going. I am not stupid or incapable of learning. That was evident. I was not a party animal. That too was evident. I did not drink, or do drugs. Everyone that knew me during my youth knew this. I did not skip school or hang out with undesirable kids causing problems. On the contrary, the friends I had did very well in school.

This letter is really a hindsight letter to this point. I am an adult now, and am able to see the problems of my past and know the cause of those problems. I am able to know the cause now because the problem continues to this very day. The extremes of the problem are no less than they were when I was child. Although I know the cause, I remain unable to control it. My inability to focus is extreme and remains the root of the problem. Also, the impulsive behavior continues. I so desire to be able to one day treat this in order to give my wife the financially secure life she deserves.

If anyone was to take time to look at my employment history they would see something is terribly wrong. I have had so many jobs in my life. I am unable to count them all. I have an excellent memory, that is not the problem. The problem is there have been so many. Each job was short lived. I have held very few jobs for more than 6 months. I do not think I have ever held a job for a year.

Jobs have not been the only thing effected by my problem. Everything in my life has been unstable.

As I’ve said, I know my responsibilities, I simply remain unable to carry them out. I HATE walking off a job. I hate not being able to pay bills. I simply am not able to focus long enough on the responsibilities, and consequences of remaining employed.

My most recent job was at a nearby pork production facility. The pay rate was the best I remember having during my life to this point. I felt the same as I feel every time I am able to find a new job. I loved the thought that things were finally going to be alright. Each time I get a new job the same thought, and feeling of pride is there. I am proud. Bills will be paid. Life will turn around. Those thoughts fill my head for some time after securing good employment. Unfortunately the focus is short lived. I no longer have the job at the pork facility. The job lasted less than 2 weeks. In fact, the main reason for my not having that job is a hernia in my mid abdomen. I enjoyed working there. The tasks needing done were not so difficult. Had the hernia not become a problem for the employer I would be working there today. I had not yet been there long enough for the impulsive thoughts to over ride my focus on remaining. I know the impulse to leave would one day break my focus on staying. Just as it had been for all of my life, it was just a matter of time. I was so hoping to be able to hold the job until insurance became available so I would finally be able to have my disorder treated. I doubted I would be able to hold out though. Another of the many problems with my disorder is confidence in myself. I have virtually none. I know me! I know I have never succeeded in anything, and I know future success is very unlikely. The more time goes by the harder it becomes for me to remain focused. Once there is a crack in my focus I am no longer able to fight the impulse to leave whatever job I have at the time.

Why does that impulsive thinking cause my irresponsible behavior? My thoughts focus on the needs of my family. Yet, losing that focus causes my loss of being able to control impulsive behavior. The loss of those two things always causes me to quit working eventually. I know the consequences of quitting a job. Yet I have quit job after job all of my adult life. Although I know the reason for my leaving, I give excuses to those close to me. I am certain no one would really understand my concentration enabling me to keep the job has failed, again… I suppose I simply do not want others to know I have this problem. To me it somehow degrades me. Few people actually are willing to understand my irresponsible behavior is due to things I have never been able to control…

I am unable to secure treatment. Seeing a doctor costs money. Not being able to hold a job means there is no money. Medical treatment of any kind is something that has been out of my reach all of my life. Currently my wife, whom I adore and love so completely, is in dire need of medical treatment for several chronic problems. I am unable to afford even the most inexpensive medical needs for her.

There are several problems that have risen from my inability to hold a job. My bills are consistently late. Our home is run down and literally falling apart. The payments for the home are also far behind. Repairs are simply financially impossible.

No one seems to understand my problem. I am scrutinized constantly by employers and people that do not know me. Since I am able to carry myself as an intelligent man my disorder goes un-noticed by almost everyone. I am able to dictate my responsibilities. I am simply not able to remain focused long enough to carry them out…

This is not a “pity me” letter. It is a letter written in hopes of finding help for my disorder. It is disabling. Although the disorder is recognized by medical professionals I am not considered disabled with it. The proof of how disabling it can be is in my history. I am not a drunk. I do no drugs, prescribed or other types. I am not lazy or unwilling to work. I love working and doing things to accomplish anything. I am simply unable to control the so called attention deficit disorder.

I have fallen through the cracks, so to speak. People seem to think since I am able to present myself as a normal intelligent man there must be no problem, he must just be lazy. Believe me, after having this problem for so long I have learned to partially control it for short periods. I drink a lot of very sweet tea. Sugar, and caffeine, are the stimulants helping me to control the disorder. It is not a solution though. I use huge amounts of sugar. I am aware of possible medical problems that can eventually arise from that. Weight gain is a concern at this point of my life as well. I have always been thin but as I age, just as anyone else, my weight has begun to climb. The huge amounts of sugar I consume does not help this. Also, Sugar and caffeine are weak they do not control the problem completely. Eventually the impulsive behavior wins and I am left with nothing once again. My work history shows this.

There was a time in my life when a solution presented its self. When I was in my 30s a doctor finally diagnosed the problem. The Doctor prescribed Dexedrine for me to take daily. I remained on the medication for a month. One of the many problems with this disorder is giving an impulsive person the responsibility of taking a medication regularly. I took the medication as prescribed for the month, however, I did not return to the Doctor to have the medication refilled. The reason for this was not that I did not know I was to do so. I simply forgot to do it. The medication has no real noticeable effect to me, although it worked and I was able to focus on a level I had never known before it was truly something that I did not notice until the medication was out of my system. By that time I was unemployed again, and unable to afford to return to the doctor to have the meds refilled.

I did not ask for this disorder. It is no one’s fault really. God, how nice it would be to someday, before it’s too late, get this damn thing under control. I’m 48 years old. I have NOTHING. I do not know what success feels like. Like anyone else I would like to know that feeling. I have no money, but I do not need financial help, I need help getting this damn disorder under control. It is time! My life is midway now. Someday I would truly like to know what success feels like… I have nothing else to go on. I believe if I am somehow able to get this under control I will finally be able to know some type of success in my life. Unfortunately financial instability makes it seem almost impossible for me to ever hope to bring this under control…

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