I feel like a horrible parent and such a failure. I feel like I failed at my marriage, which in turn failed my son. This is the most awful feeling. . .

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Hey, you are not a horrible Mom. I lived with this thru my daughter coming up. She will be 28 this year and still has some problems. No reason they should get physical with you. He has some type problem and needs counseling and maybe meds. Get yourself some counseling too and do something for you to help alleviate the stress u are under. I am now raising her son and he has ADHD and delayed learning. Boy is that a challenge at my 58 years of age. Hang in there. Read books, keep yourself a journal to write your feelings out.... Keep posting...

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I wish you were near so that I could hold your hand. I am a single mom and suffering alot. I am also going through the same problem also. My 13 year old daughter is also damaging everything in the house. You should see the state of her laptop, books, notebooks everything is either torn apart or broken. I am tired of repeating the same things. It seems like she is not hearing me. I have to say 5 times for her to brush her teeth. I am so tired. Some times I want to hit her so badly and hardly stop my self. Because she is doing everything to drive me crazy. Then at the end I start yelling or crying and she apologizes hundred of times and the same thing happens again. When she has to prepare something for school she does not do it until the last moment or not at all. I am asking myself all the time "What have I done wrong?"

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Both of you take a deep breath and step back for a minute and then lets regroup. First, your son is a teenager and not only having adhd or whatever else his diagnosis is he also has to deal with these new teen hormones that are kicking in and it's a crazy mixed up time for him. It's not easy being him. If you reread your post...I think honestly you can answer the question yourself of why he would be afraid to tell you things. Violence on either of your parts is never going to work. Never. You need to be his soft spot to fall to....his place of refuge after a shitty day. You both can be that for each other but for now, your son needs this a little more right now. Second, I think I would look into medications that may help you both. You both may need some meds because you my dear sound like you are at your wits end and depressed. Talk to your doctor and his pediatrician and come up with a plan for that. If you need to go back to basic ADD reward system, then do it. Chores board, whatever it is but never give someone their paycheck before they do the work. After 3 failed attempts at asking him to do something (within 30 mins or an hour) then "X" it and move on. There is no discussion after that on the subject until the end of the week when he needs more checks then X's. But do it with as little yelling as possible. I have a great relationship with my son but it isn't without problems or the occasional yell either. We are fallible as well but forgive yourself, forgive him. I always tell my son after a hard day that tomorrow is a new day and everyone gets to start over with a clean slate. Lets learn from today. Good luck sweetie, I wish I was your neighbor, it's so much easier to talk in person. But hang in there. Mary

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P.S- As far as his room.....don't repair a thing. He has to live in the mess of a busted door. Or he can also help to pay the cost for a new one. I never have replaced something my son has broken and he stopped real quick because I was not giving him the message of "break whatever you want, I'll have it fixed or buy another one". His room, his domain. But outside of that room is your property and he WILL work it off in free chores for a long time. Good 'ol fashion punishments are wonderful. i.e. I have a barn and he had to repaint the outside and he was given a 3" brush. It took FOREVER and his little hand was crapped. Oh well Mr. and he has never repeated that offense again to this day. My son is 16 now. Remember to tell him EveryDay that you love him and pick something he did that made you happy....pick anything no matter how small or dumb and tell him. Whenever he does something right let him know immediately that you noticed that and that makes you happy. Changes are NOT going to come overnight....it may take a while but you can do it! God never gives out a cross bigger then we can bear. It may seem like this one is way to heavy for you but it's not. Just regroup, dig your heels in, don't forget to take some enjoyment time for yourself....coffee club with the girls, a massage, get sloshed one night.....do all 3 of those all at once if you want. But you can only be as good to others as you are to yourself. Keep pushing forward.

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Oh My Dear, have I walked in your shoes. I still have holes in my walls & doors, 3+ years later. He slammed his bedroom door so hard so many times that it finally broke loose from the frame. In a fit of anger I ripped the whole door off, which still hasn't been replace. I installed dead bolts on my bedroom door & had to sleep with my keys & money. My son was diagnosed ADD/ODD 10 years ago, he was 9 at the time. Talking to your pediatrician is good but most aren't trained in ADD & other co-morbid disorders. I've tried more physiciatrists & counselors than I can count but again, ADD was not their specialty. We even attended a summer ADD camp in Michigan conducted by Ned Hallowell, which was great. My son is exceptionally bright, needs very little input, never would turn in homework & aced all his final exams. I think they passed him just to get rid of him. I'm also a single parent with no help at all. Fourtunately, my son never became physical with me except one time when we were trying new meds. He became aggitated at school, they called me, he left & when he tried to get back in the door & I blocked him he threw me on the ground. I HAD to call the police. They have to know there's a limit, he will only get worse if you don't take some action. He also lied & stole. Dealing with an ADD/ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) when your also ADD is no easy task. This time last year he really started going downhill. Long story short I finally had to kick him out. He was on the streets for a month. He called me one day & said he had enough. It was110 degrees, he had no food, no money, I said fine but your life's going to change. You see, he had become addicted to drugs, not uncommon for ADD'ers. Within 24 hours we were driving to a treatment program in Atlanta, GA. He was there 6 weeks & they recommended a wilderness treatment program in Montana. He was there 63 days, 21 of them he was out in the wilderness. I have seen a miracle!!! I have a great person now!!! He's back living in Atlanta & he will be 19 in a few days. After Montana he went into a 3/4 house, which ended up being a disaster & he left. He's finishing school & is trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. One of which is an addiction counselor with music therapy as his specialty. He's one mean guitar player. I did everything...believe me. I moved back to my home state of Michigan when he was in the 9th grade & lived with my mom for 2 school years so he could attend a school geared towards ADD klds. His 3rd year he was expelled for beating up a friend of his the first day of school. We lost the whole years tuition which was paid in advance!!!! I have not worked in the last 8 years because I could never leave him alone & with him going to school in Michigan it was impossible. After that he attended a very small private school where we live that got out at noon so I was again stuck. Believe me, I would not have a house if I had worked. All my savings is gone but it's been worth it. Now I get to start my life again & I should be thinking about retirement!! These are my humble suggestions for you. Get a counselor/physiciatrist that is experienced & specializes in ADD & it's co-morbid disorders. I wasted so much time & money on those that were in a general practice. Get help for yourself!! His last counselor, before treatment, suggested a wilderness program. I recommend that highly but do your homework!! There's good & bad & you don't want more problems than you already have!!!! These kids know how to push your buttons. Staying calm is great but it's so hard to accomplish. But I've learned that the more I yelled the louder & longer he yelled. I finally learned to simply end the conversation, but first I gave a warning that I'm done talking because it's escalating into an arguement, then I would walk away. He knew I would talk when he was ready to talk w/o yelling. Oh, have you noticed that they bring up the craziest stuff during their rants? BROTHER!! Since he's been back from rehab in Montana he's resumed counseling with the counselor he had at his Atlanta rehab. If you need any help with wilderness programs I might be able to get some suggestions. Also, someone told me that teen challange helped one of their friends but I'm not sure exactly what conditions they treat, ADD, addiction, etc. But that's easy for you to find out. Just please becareful. Any place that doesn't want you to have contact is poison. I'm not sure how much physicians know about treatment facilities. My mom picked up a brochure in a child physiciatrist's office & when i checked them out 4 of the 5 had been closed for abuse. But there are many great programs out there, don't give up. Also, a great treatment program will also include the family/friends in a family week. Family weeks are designed to help the family members learn about their children's conditions, how to handle them successfully & how to better take care of themselves. These disorders don't just affect the child, they affect the whole family. I attended family weeks at both rehab's & I learned so much...about both of us!! I hope this helps. Just knowing your not alone helps. I had to go through my sons ADD/ODD/Addiction all alone & it's tough. But there is help out there!! Just please get someone that specializes in your sons conditions, it's priceless. God Bless & keep in touch. We're pullin for you!!

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There are times I hate my son 11y.o., mom and sisters who don't help or support me. My son will tell anyone who will listen that I am unfair and discipline only him and not his 4 y.o. brother. I don't treat one of my children better than another. Tom has ruined many things in our home he favorite game is to trash the house or his room throwing anything he can on the floor. I am reading to give up and ship him to his biological father who has never had anything to do with him. Its just too much for me to handle anymore. I wish there was more help and a reason why these children act like they do but I don't think there ever will be.

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Thank you'all for the encouraging the words. They mean a lot. All of your advice is good. My DS is on meds. I have looked into changing it but it is working best right now. At least tha't what his therapy say. He has a psycharist and psychologist, both specialize in mental health. Yes, I do suffer from depression and I am on meds too. Honestly sometimes wonder if I they work. I am so tired. I think I am more mentally tired than physical. Three weeks after this incident my DS is about the same with his attitude towards EVERYTHING! I do try to praise him when he does well and punish him appropriately. None of it seems to matter with him. He acts like he could care less about anything but I see a little boy who has grown into a teenager that wants to do well but for all the reasons related to ADHD & all the ones not, he can't. All of this breaks my heart. Thank you all for listening and your support.

Overwhelmed & Sad Mom

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I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and it frightens me that I am headed down that road. My son is 7 and has really been the way he is all his life though he was diagnosed at 5. We went to one psychologist who treated a lot of ADHD kids and said my son was severe ADHD and one thing I found is that yelling at him only makes him yell louder which becomes an argument and physical punishments only encourages him to hit back which he has done a few times so I don't do either anymore. I work full-time so managing him wears me out but I have posted a few House Rules (which he tore up) that has consequences on it and my job is to make darn sure that he has consequences when he's been warned. I also make sure that he doesn't make any decisions himself even for simple things like what is for dinner, the idea is for him to see that I make the decisions and for him to be rewarded with positive attention from me he needs to be respectful (that means no buying him anything, no going out to eat, etc) and at all times even when I am mad as HECK at him I stay super calm and quiet. In terms of homework you might want to discuss the situation with his teacher and see what she recommends though maybe the natural consequence of a bad grade or repeating a grade might be the only recourse if you try everything else. I have found that I get the most cooperation BEFORE the medicine wears off and at one point his psychologist mentioned the posibility of getting a short acting dosage of a med that would get him through till bedtime. When my son doesn't do his homework I send an email to the teacher (we spoke in advance about this) and she said not to yell at him, simply send the homework back incomplete and he'll have to do it during recess (or perhaps after school). I have found that the med works well during the day and that my son RARELY gives his teacher a hard time. I asked him about this and he said that he is put into a time-out and doesn't like that, I assume because it embarrasses him so maybe your son's teacher could offer some suggestions. You certainly can't make sure son do something since he has his own mind and body but you can take things away that he values. My son often breaks the House Rules in the morning before meds have kicked in or at night after they have worn off and in either case when he violates a rule like backtalking I make him write X number of times I will not backtalk and while he won't do this in a fit of anger after he's cooled down he will (like the next evening when we get home from school/work). If he won't do it then I simply give him say 5 min to start writing or I take something away he values and I walk out of the room and come back in exactly 5 minutes. I have found that I am using a timer a whole lot! Also after consulting with his pediatrician, my mom and two best friends, I need to simply ignore some of his mouthy comments unless he goes too far with it but most of time issuing the consequence and then walking away helps. For example "Son you have 5 min to shower or you will lose...." then in 5 minutes I come back to check on him and if he's not pretty close to done then I follow through but if he's making an effort and close then I tell him to finish up. I am not sure if any of this helps since your son is older than mine but thought I'd share my experiences anyway. The main thing my friend who is a social worker says is that you have to follow through no matter what and it take two to argue. Remember that you can only do so much, these little people we are raising have body,mind and strong will and make their own decisions sometimes that is not always the best, don't blame yourself you have no control over what somewhat else does, you can only guide them and hope it sinks in.

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Wow! This is my first time on this website. I'm amazed at how many experiences I've read about are so similar to mine. My 12 yr old daughter is ADHD and I don't know what else. She is so immature, defiant, she lies, steals and we are absolutely fed up. She's on Focalin 20 mg and that works for school work. It doesn't have an adverse affect on her appetite so she eats well. The before and after behavior is overwhelming lately. I'm actively trying to find a temporary home for her. We are sooo stressed out dealing with her. We need a break!!

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