I feel your pain. I have a son that is ten years old and he was diagnosed four years ago. We have been through a lot of what you are going through. My son is behind at school...especially with reading...5th grader reading at a 2nd grade level. Learning disability, anxiety disorder, speech problems, but under all of his issues, he is a great kid. We have had to work hard to uncover that great kid though because he was getting lost in his symptoms. We got on board with a great therapist and an awesome psychiatrist who listens to me. You know your kid the best, and if you think its the meds that are making her wet her pants, then you need to stand firm. We also instituted different behavior programs at home. We have a jar at home where we put marbles in for good deeds and we take marbles out for bad deeds. For example, if my son comes to the table to do his homework without complaining, he gets a marble. If he gets frustrated and acts out because the homework is hard, a marble goes out. It helps make the kids more self aware with a measurable system. If there are marbles left in the jar at the end of the day...it's reward time. Watch some tv, play a video game, have a treat. Something they really want. If school is hard, get in touch with all of the special services at the school. Make sure she has ALL of the accommodations that she needs for this. My son gets special chairs to sit in that help him with his wiggles, he gets a scribe because his fine motor skills lack and part of his learning disability is the ability to pull answers from brain to paper. There is a lot of help at the school and they will help. A social worker at school helps my son with behavioral issues (not always having to win at games, not always having to be first in line and so on). Find all the resources available and USE them! One trick about homework...have her stand up to do her homework or take ten minute breaks in between. I also get a bunch of fun pencils and pencil grips and erasers. I leave them on the table and my son grabs whatever pencil he wants and rotates. One math problem with the fuzzy pencil and another math problem with the funny eraser pencil. Helps a little with homework by not making it so painful. Hang in there! It's tough, I don't deny that. But you are your daughter's advocate and her help, so make sure YOU get the help YOU need too. Good luck!

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My strongest advice is to find a really good child psychologist, one who is familiar with adhd and with a range of disorders and challenges. Your daughter could have multiple conditions that are wearing her down. Psychiatrists these days are often just "medication managers." Yes, I go to my psychiatrist every other month for adhd meds, but we meet for 10 minutes ... You need a counselor who can get to know your daughter and can help you sort of our what is going on ... The psychologist can then help you give good information to the psychiatrist.

Most adhders really need the help of a great psychotherapist ... It's a complete misconception that medication alone is enough ... the condition leads to all kinds of challenges and frustrations that wear people down.

Call around and go to the best child psychologist you can afford.

Good luck.

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I'm a big believer that medication, while helpful, is never the entire answer. Is your daughter in therapy? It just sounds like you and her could benefit from some ongoing advice. I would think that the temper tantrums are more an impulse-control issue, and the "accidents" seem like the kind of thing you want to discuss with a child psychologist. It just sounds like she's really letting you know something's wrong. It also sounds like you could benefit greatly from a professional you can trust taking apart these issues and providing new tools to deal with them. Although lots of people may offer some good advice, I'm getting the feeling here that good advice on an internet forum isn't going to solve all of this. Maybe steer you in the right direction? Seeing a child or family psychologist doesn't mean there's something "wrong" or "defective" with your kid or your family, it just means you care enough to use a professional's knowledge and education to help. I don't think anything you've described is at all shocking for a child of her age just started to deal with a new environment like school. The most important thing would be to not dismiss what concerns you, but also not try to guess at a solution, and a "quick fix". Why not try regular visits with a child psychologist for a few months, just see if weekly or bi-weekly visits help? You may find some of these mountains turning into grains of sand, and you wouldn't want to miss that. If you want at-home help, although she's a little too young to read her herself yet, Patricia Quinn's books, including "Attention Girls!" was really on point for my daughter. If this is AD/HD, you want to be prepared for the fact that it just doesn't always manifest the same way in girls as it does in boys. Getting as informed as possible in those differences may prove very very helpful.

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