I read your post and want to let you know I understand. I have been married 18 years and my husband was diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago. Almost all the things you described I have experienced. It is so difficult to keep trying to fix, problem solve, do differently and end up back at losing patience about repeating things we've already discussed and agreed upon, getting hung up on, getting blamed for things not my fault, etc. Irrational. Unreasonable. Quick-tempered. I completely get it.

So many things my husband did or didn't do I thought were because he didn't care about me or love me enough -- that they reflected how he felt about me or valued our relationship. After reading books and information on the Internet I began to understand it had nothing to do with me. If you look at your husband's experiences across his life, you will find the same patterns of behavior that you experience he has experienced with bosses, coworkers, with family members and friends (if any are willing to stick around), etc. So, then, it is clear the common thread is him. Educating myself helped me to understand the big picture.

I started counseling about 10 months ago which has really helped me come to terms with what I can do differently and what must be accepted. I happened to find a fabulous psychologist the first time. Her husband and two girls both have ADHD. So, not only does she have the psychology education and the 15-20 years experience in counseling, she lives with it just like I do. She gives it to me straight ("he gets stuck in the problem, you have to help him break it down" and if I'm not willing to do that, for example, then I have two choices: continue the way things have been or leave him. I don't mean to suggest that that kind of choice is easy, but the clarity discussing my frustrations with a professional has been very valuable. There's a safe place to talk about it, which helps me not feel alone. I've learned a lot about myself. I've become more confident, more comfortable with who I am. I am strong to have dealt with all of this for so many years. I can't "buy in" to his criticisms. If I am so busy being hard on myself I make it too easy for him. Now, if he starts to get angry and say something disrespectful, I cut him off, put my hand up (stop), and calmly say, "No. You're not going to do that," and I walk away. Discussion/argument over.

I'm sure I have a long way to go still. But this has helped me tremendously. It has even helped me be more comfortable talking to some family or friends, but I am still careful. This disorder is about him, not you. Don't let him make you feel worthless. Even if you don't physically put your hand up and verbally say no, say it in your mind. Don't let it in. And remember, there's a woman out there who anwered your post, going through almost the exact same things. You're not alone. There's many out there, silently suffering. You do the best you can, and when you know better you can do better.

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Thanks so much for the reply, this helped me a lot and it does make me feel better that I am not the only one going through this, its great to have people that live similar lives and have to deal with this as well as me to be able to talk to and vent to, these are some great pointers and I will start trying to use them thanks so much for the reply to my post.

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