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Help!! I'm at the end of my rope!!
Okay, I'll start by saying this'll probably be a long post.
My name is Leon - I come from the UK, some of you may or may not be aware but, in the UK, ADD/ADHD is a very misunderstood problem and the country is very ill informed of it. It is almost never brought up in schools and doctors are more likely to slap a bipolar label on you.
I'm 19 and most of my teen to adult life has been spent in transient depression. I have a fairly nasty background, laiden with horrors no child should go through. All these problems in my past have affected me in the past but they are almost none existant now, they have been dealt with.
Even so my depression past the age of 15 - By now I had failed all the way through upper primary school (middle school in the US?) and continued to fail in High school. The thing is - all my class mates touted me as the most intelligent in the class, something I NEVER listened to. I detested myself by this point.
I have never held hate against anyone as much as I hated and continue to hate, myself. Everything I did I failed at, be it small hobbies, enjoyable tasks and work. I was constantly explosive with my family - I'd be doing one thing, only to erupt into a insane rage when my grandmother asked for my help - I hated my self! No one should make their grandparent walk on eggshells around them.
With this incredible feeling of self loathing and severe lack of self esteem, I became extremely anti social - I hardly ever left my bedroom besides for school. I just sat in my bedroom and played computer games for 7 years, only stopping because I had completely snapped again and gone into a fury.
My family were helpless and so was I, at the age of 17, I attempted to take my own life by cutting my wrist and taking a overdose of tramadol. I spent 4 weeks in hospital. At that point my life was at the lowest of the low.
The doctors in the hospital diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder.
Following my diagnosis I started anti-psychotic drug therapy. Nothing worse could have happened. It was as if someone took my entire cognetive ability away. It was horrible. Whatever I was feeling before, was now made worse.
After 8 different jobs, a second suicide attempt and my doctor giving up on me - I'm here at 19.
I wasn't even aware of Adhd til' 3 months ago, a friend who is training to be a mental health nurse brought it up, saying I may have it. I dismissed it at first but until last week I looked into it and here I am.
I still know little to nothing about the disorder and thats why I'm here - everything in my life seems to finally make sense after hearing about this, the sheer lack of concentration, to the point of fury and mental degredation. The depression. The bizarre mood swings of feeling low and suddenly feeling completely energized.
All I want is the right diagnosis and the right treatment - I've booked a appointment with my doctor for the Wednesday coming and I can't shake the feeling he's going to laugh at me when I bring it up. I heard add is biological and it kinda makes sense cos' my mother was a heroid addict and I'd guess if anything that'd cause problems like this?
If you managed to read my massive wall of text which I spent a horrendous time composing in notepad
What do you think? :S
Thanks
Leon
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9 Jan 2011 @ 6:43 PM
27 Jan 2011 @ 11:25 AM